Alex... You hang in there. It does get better.

Earlier in my recovery, I wasn't even sure I wanted to live if I couldn't gamble. I felt hopeless about my future. I was sick over what I had done to my life.... The years I had wasted. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I was a lying sack of crap and that's all I knew. My therapist told me that people in recovery were the coolest people around. They had looked their demons dead in the eye... They have admitted their failures and lived in dark times. They had walked into the light, learned to appreciate every day. They know themselves. And it's true - Look at the folks here. You will come out of the dark. Keep walking until you see the light.... Stay on that path.
My financial life is in shambles. I may lose my home. I'll be years trying to get out of this. BUT. I feel better about myself than I have in years. I am trying to live my truth instead of hide in the dark.
Just keep moving forward. See this as life or death and do everything it takes to make it through these dark times AND not gamble.

Hi my name is Kim and I so know what you are going though. July 16 th I checked myself into a rehab center. My life had gotten so out of control that I was going to loose everything including my mind. I hated everything about me. I had hurt my husband my children my friends everyone. I could no longer live that life so for 30 days I had to remove myself from my life. It was the best thing I could of ever done. I can now look myself and the people I love in the eye again. This is a ugly illness that we have no control over and without help it will take over your life. If you can get professional help then please get it. All I know is a treatment center saved my life.
God bless you and I so feel your pain! Seek all the help you can!

Hi Alex, have you ever heard of the Kubler-Ross model or the 5 stages of grief? They include denial, anger, bargaining, depression & acceptance. Before I became a CG I was a daily drinker, I quit drinking over 8 1/2 years ago. From what I understand this is a fairly common occurance, switching addictions. I went through the 5 stages with my drinking. Outside of my family my relationship with alcohol was the longest sustained relationship in my life. It really was like losing someone. It was my best friend and my worst enemy. I've been gambling for about 8 years and to me it is worse [the withdrawal]. I don't know if this is making any sense, but my point is, maybe you have to go through what you are going through to get to your next stage. I hope you will stay the course. You have nothing to lose if you don't gamble, but you might have everything to gain. Love ~atticus

Dear Alex,

Yes, it does get better. I'm up to about 9 weeks now since my "accident" that at a casino that caused me to simply become so disgusted that I never have gone back.

I've had a few times where I wanted to go, but thought about all of the harm it has done to me and others that I know. I have chose not to go back.

Today, my bank account no longer has a paltry $15.00 in it, it has money in it so I can pay all of my bills on time IN FULL.

That right that makes it automatically "get better" so to speak.

Hang in there Alex, one day at a time and I promise you that things will get better if you stay away from these hell holes that are run by people of the lowest caliber of human beings that I've ever seen in my life.

Many of the people I know are continuing on their downward spiral to hell losing all that they have. Few care to quit and keep going back to these dumps.

Be proud of yourself for having the desire to stop and realize that it is doing you no good at all.

With time will come more positive things your way and new places to find, new friends to find and most of all freedom from this horrible problem that all of us here fight one day at a time.

Hang in there Alex!

Your friend,

hope4acure

Alex,

WOW...it is as if the 3 angels have descended upon you to guide you throughout this most difficult period in your life. ll2live, Kim and Atticus...such poignant reflections and thoughts...so beautifully spoken.

I am a firm believer that everything that happens to us in life, happens for a reason, Alex. We have been inflicted with an illness, a disease that cannot be cured with over the counter or prescribed medications. But there is a way to arrest this silent "killer/destroyer of life". It is by coming to terms with the root of it's cause - swallowing that first "pill" of truth by recognizing we are powerless over our addiction.

The first pill is always the toughest to swallow, but you have done that successfully. And yes, the first couple weeks and and months are definitely the most precarious, the "gag" reflex is the most intense. It does get better, trust me, and so too, will you! Take your pill of truth each and every day, religiously! Know that better days are in store for you...muster up the strength to get through these painful days and I guarantee you, the answers to all of the questions you posed will begin to radiate luminously off of the temporary dark clouds of despair you feel today.

One day at a time Alex, one pill of truth each day...stay strong!

Warm, radiant regards , Tagg

Correction, Alex....4 angels with the wonderful insight of hope4!

Wow, great posts. I sure needed to hear them too. I hope your mourning period is soon over and the beauty shines through again.

Hi again Alex.

I read your blogspot and wow, I am impressed!

You said it yourself right here:

>> Gambling is a heartless friend, it only takes and takes and never gives. It takes away both money and also takes with it all hope, ambition, self respect and eats at your very soul. It lies to you, makes false promises, and then cheats you and leaves you cold, broke and alone.

Boy is this ever the truth.

While you state in your blog that you have never lost tremendous amounts of money, it became a problem anyway.

This is much the way I was too. I don't have much money to spend/lose being I am disabled and receive a paltry pension that is next to impossible to live on. However, I've been doing it for a long time and I go on anyway.

The very last place I need to be is near a casino. I too am one that never lost tremendous amounts of money but, I lost tremendous amounts of TIME. I'd often be at these places for up to 12 hrs. at a time playing low bets and often losing more than I could afford to lose.

I had my wins too, usually nothing big being I never played "big". If I could have, I would have though. I know this.

I realized my addiction to casinos as a young child believe it or not.

My father's family came to California during the Silver Strike (1860s) in Nevada where my old grandfather ran a silver mine near Virginia City, Nevada years ago.

We used to go to the casinos when we were kids (and yes, in Virginia City, Nevada they used to let young kids in there to have a look around). At the casinos in Lake Tahoe and Reno, they had "play rooms" where your parents could leave you to play. I remember feeling bored to death waiting for my parents to come and get my brother and me. When I walked by a slot machine, I had an overwhelming desire to play one and I remember thinking, even as a child, that I was glad I did not live anywhere near Reno as I wouldn't be able to control myself around those machines. So, I knew at an early age that I had a problem already.

This went on for many years but I had no access to a casino, I had to drive 6 hrs. to get to one so I did not go often.

When they began opening up these Indian casinos, that is when it began to get strange for me.

I'd go to escape the illness (MS) that I have and it made me become so distracted that I did not notice the pain I life in quite as much. When my mother died, I had to go to the nursing home she'd been in and collect her things. She passed after I'd paid for a whole month and the person running this place was shocked that I asked for the money that paid for the rest of the month back. She wrote me out a check, gave me a dirty look and was expecting a hell of a lot more. She was hoping to get money from my late mother's will. Being I was the executrix, believe me, I didn't give this woman a penny as I was disgusted by her greedy behavior.

And then the casino had another role, the role of being a compassionate friend, a place to escape yet another reality and that was that my parents were both dead leaving me alone with a crappy disease. So, I kept going.

As more and more of these casinos began to open where I live they began to compete with one another for customers. Soon, I was getting as much at $800 or more a month in free play money from them.

I found myself having to drive to one place one day, drive to the other place the next and so on, never winning anything big but again, never any huge losses either.

I was becoming bored with all of it when I fell at the casino in July and ended up in the ER. Those hospital bills are still coming in from that day -- so far almost $7,000.00 for what? For a hellish life going nowhere.

I really hope you can see the INSANITY that goes with this problem. Just because I never lost everything does not mean I do not have a problem. I've had a problem since I first laid eyes on a slot machine as a kid and that was 50 some years ago!

I really hope you can find yourself again. I believe that is what you are "mourning", loss of yourself, aka, your "best friend" so to speak.

Your friend,

hope4acure

Beautifully and eloquently spoken, Hope4. I feel certain that having been diagnosed with MS, you hope that pharmecutical (sp) companies and their scientists are working feveriously to come up with pill that will arrest this debilitating disease. In the meantime, I know you have regimented the things within your power to help thwart off the affects as best you can.

So Alex here's the proof in the pudding...our dear friend Hope4, diagnosed with MS, an illness she did not ask for nor inflict upon
herself. She has absolutely no control over what her prognosis will be as far as MS is concerned...waiting on that miracle cure, that miracle drug.

We (CG's) can redirect the outcome of our deadly illness if we have the drive, desire and will to make it happen. We are the scientists for our own gambling disease-but we have to be a willing and contributing participant on the Miracle Cure Team!

We do it by joining hands and hearts, standing tall and shouting YES WE CAN-a whole army of us crying out HE'LL NO!

Great, truly inspiring thread here, my friends-keep the faith and the hope in your hearts and minds!

Kindly, and with fever pitch....Tagg

All the previous comments are fabulous and inspirational.

Hi Alex,
I just wanted to add that as a CG myself I have experienced those feelings...It may have been the worst withdrawal I had ever gone through because my husband was depressed too...he watched television and just sat around. That was not him...he was a worker who was on the go all of the time before he and I began going to the casino.
At that time I gave in and went back....nothing was different and gambling was ready to take more away from my life. I made the decision to come back here and fight.
I understand what you are saying.....your brain is looking for that high. My counselor told me that in time we will be able to get back to where we were before we gambled. If I were a gambling counselor I could explain this better but to put it in simple terms the gambling flooded our brain with endorphins..."the high" that we felt. The trouble was it was not a natural high but it was a rush. Our brain remembers the "feel good" high and wants more of it. I believe that is why you are feeling like you are right now. (Me Too).
My counselor said that if we can just give it time...."hang in there friend"...we can make it!!! God Bless!!!

Withdrawals Suck! Actually abstinence period not that pleasant too, but recovery is awesome.

Wow!!! All I can say is wow... these messages have been so helpful and inspiring to me the last couple of days. It seems the darkest darkness has passed for now, it always seems darkest before the dawn, is that from the Lord of the Rings or something? Here is hoping the sunshine sticks around a bit more!!!

That's great new Alex.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in."
Leonard Cohen