The quote on my profile says: The wound is the place where the Light enters you (Rumi). After 2 years of real recovery, I can see how true this is. I was broken to pieces, and very close to dying. I was hopeless. My thinking was so demented, I could not see a way out of my situation. I think I had dug the hole so deep that there was nothing but blackness around me.

My days were consumed with stress, fear, anxiety, urges, sickness, restlessness, scattered thinking, sadness and pain. I didnt sleep well. I couldnt. I was unable to focus on anything important in my life. All of my energy was used to fight my addiction to gambling. I couldnt make plans for my future. I couldnt make plans for my present. All I could do was fight the urge to gamble until it overpowered me, live in the abyss of remorse after a gamble, and then live in the world of fighting the urges again.

I felt like there were two different entities living in my body. The rational person and The urge. The lines were always blurred as to who was the real me. It made me crazy I think.

Today, two years later, I feel full of light. I feel that I have been to the school of hardest knocks and come out educated on how to live a peaceful life. My life is not close to perfect. I am still sad some days. I have fear and anxiety and stress. I am in such deep debt, my future is still uncertain. But, I dont care. I can be happy anyways. I can enjoy a quiet night at home. I can enjoy the hard work of pulling weeds. I can overlook the little things that bother most. I have been reminded, again, that I have the strength to take me through the toughest of times. I know that I want to live. I know that I am flawed, and that that is okay. I know who my real friends are. I know what addiction feels like. I have more empathy. I know what desperation feels like, and how it can lead to suicidal ideation. It is easier to cut through the bullshit a lot more now. I feel okay living in the nitty gritty of life. I feel okay.

Having said all of this, I almost went to the casino the other day. I left my attorneys office with some not so great news, and that little addict that still lives inside of me whispered its hopeless anyways, mine as well go and I actually thought about it. Luckily, I had a enough roadblocks still set up that it would have been harder than a left turn instead of a right out of the parking lot. It was a very helpful reminder.
When I started this post, I said that I had been in real recovery for 2 years. What I meant by that is that it was 2 years ago that I surrendered to my addiction. I gave up trying to fix myself and reached out for help. I told people about what I had done, that I felt powerless, that I didnt have the answers, that I needed help. I had relapses among the moments of clarity. But along the way, things started to shift inside of me. The light found its way into the cracks and the darkness started to disappear.

Please, if you are struggling today, keep fighting. Dont let a moment or a month of relapse keep you from trying again. You dont drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.

Xoxo Lisa