Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
Hi, I usually post in another forum. I have been in therapy now for about 15 years. Now, divorced 2x from the same man. The divorce just became final last month and it was nasty, costing me about $8k I can't afford in legal fees for protection, having been through all this before (with him and knowing his strategies).
During the discovery part of the divorce, I really started to "get a grasp" on how much money disappeared through his gambling. I'm now multiplying several hundred dollars (to $1000 or more) a month times twenty years.
I just tried to use my debit card to get gas and I was overdrawn. I'm facing bankruptcy, and the majority of debts I have are due to his tactics throughout the marriages and divorces .... I left with only one credit card that had an $800 limit in 2000 and am now well over $20,000 in debt. My car was bought when he refused to finish settlement after the 1st divorce and he took me to Court to limit me from seeing our children, when he knew good and well the reason ... I moved 40 miles and had no transportation. That same car has 195,000 miles on it and constantly breaking down. I've been forced to do the repairs I can, and go to the salvage yard for tires as I can not afford retail anymore. He spent $300 -$350 month (plus comp/coll insurance) for cars over 9 years, never owning one.
Over the past two years, I have found more and more evidence of his gambling and how he did things to me ... he had his brother and (our) pastor snatch our children when I tried to leave for a few days, then had me hospitalized, claiming I was homicidal and was going to kill the pastor. Rather than do a long rehash, I have gone through a nervous breakdown, been painted falsely as a druggie and lunatic and NOW, it is coming out more and more what has fueled a lot of his behavior. When he had me hospitalized, he closed our joint checking and savings and I never had access to the money in there I earned ... filed for divorce and got temp custody b/c I was a "lunatic" (I was in shock by the time I got out, but they didn't keep me because I didn't meet criteria).
Since the hearing, I found evidence that even more and worse ... he was in casinos out of state and I always believed he really was going for the reasons he said. The judge made an "equitable distribution" as I guess there was not even evidence of his dissipation (I trusted me attorney on that and was never told I needed to look for more)
We live in the middle of nowhere ... I lost one job because of my car breaking down and stress (sleep problems). I want to leave here, particularly as he is now trying to force the mortgage and utility payments on me; that's almost $1,000 a month I don't have. I have a $5,000 judgment of a year and a half I haven't seen a dime on and the house is ordered to be sold, and $4k to attorneys first before I even get "equalized" for personal property.
I looked on here for support groups (current) for family, etc but didn't see any. So I hope you don't mind me asking about all this.
He is planning to marry someone else and I KNOW that is one of the big reasons he was determined to divorce me. Just that he demanded, and seriously, that I get out, with only the stuff I had brought with me when I moved back ... and he wanted me to transfer nearly all the debt on his credit cards to mine, too.
I'm having a hard time with all this. I've been sent to mental hospitals, had to sleep in my car without access to money, had a nervous breakdown, went through the first divorce because I was afraid he'd put me through it all again. Misdiagnosed for five years due to his interference and ended up with PTSD, which got A LOT BETTER, after I was out of here. Then it was his refusal to make settlement after divorce, yelling screaming and threats when I would try to see our children, or refusal to allow visits, then Court fights (and more $ out), failed attempt to get a protective order and then, being thrown in jail as a result of all that because I wouldn't willingly hand our children back to someone who was terrorizing us, then more Court filings by him, trying to cut me off as much as possible. I came back finally because my attorney told me that although I was MUCH improved and had a great job (by then) there was no chance of changing custody ... despite all he did.
I've never heard of gambling causing this level of problems, especially to do all the things I've been through. But when it came out that he was having an affair, his sister told me (last time she would communicate with me) "don't trust him". I stuck to that and it is good that I did, even though where I am now is bad enough.
I tried talking with him, when I knew "pretty much" the worst and just told him that if we were "both right with God" and with one another, there wasn't any problem that wouldn't be solved. That things needed to change and that I could even understand "some" (I won't pretend to understand much of this), but that if he was in recovery, I would be there to support and encourage to best of my ability. I know the other woman represents a continuation of status quo and denial, a false level of "control" which he always has accused me of trying to have over him. I'm sure not perfect, but we live next door to his mother and he told me we could never move with his parents living, because he "can't break a promise to them". Apparently, to him, breaking vows to God and spouse, and all the effects on our children, are no big deal. SO I think that is where the main "control" issues come from.
I'm not sure what I am asking; does what I have gone through sound "out there" (it feels like living through a really bad novel or nightmare) or does this happen to others? Are there other places I can check for gambling? I am trying to get some breathing space to get another job/get out ASAP. I know, too, if I move out, the house is unlikely to ever sell ... while he lives. I have a protective order against him as he kept making threats, etc (all the stuff I failed to get it for in past ... this time I recorded it all). I'm also trying to work with my creditors as I would like to avoid bankruptcy. I think if I can get out and get a "real" job again, I will be able to do that. But with the lower income and legal/counseling averaging $450/month on top of all else, for over two years, I'm strapped. I tried to go through mediation (usually cheaper) but he would not co-operate, rescinded the one settlement offer once I reviewed it with attorney and accepted. And sort of bitter, last year I was approved (but needed decree or signed settlement) for an FHA mortgage for more than I would have needed. Now I can't afford gas to work. I've called every place and person/agency I can think of ... I'm ready to give up.
Thanks for any help or suggestions. I'm just emotionally exhausted/burned out trying to keep going and I guess I expected a better outcome. Feel like I am in shock.
During the discovery part of the divorce, I really started to "get a grasp" on how much money disappeared through his gambling. I'm now multiplying several hundred dollars (to $1000 or more) a month times twenty years.
I just tried to use my debit card to get gas and I was overdrawn. I'm facing bankruptcy, and the majority of debts I have are due to his tactics throughout the marriages and divorces .... I left with only one credit card that had an $800 limit in 2000 and am now well over $20,000 in debt. My car was bought when he refused to finish settlement after the 1st divorce and he took me to Court to limit me from seeing our children, when he knew good and well the reason ... I moved 40 miles and had no transportation. That same car has 195,000 miles on it and constantly breaking down. I've been forced to do the repairs I can, and go to the salvage yard for tires as I can not afford retail anymore. He spent $300 -$350 month (plus comp/coll insurance) for cars over 9 years, never owning one.
Over the past two years, I have found more and more evidence of his gambling and how he did things to me ... he had his brother and (our) pastor snatch our children when I tried to leave for a few days, then had me hospitalized, claiming I was homicidal and was going to kill the pastor. Rather than do a long rehash, I have gone through a nervous breakdown, been painted falsely as a druggie and lunatic and NOW, it is coming out more and more what has fueled a lot of his behavior. When he had me hospitalized, he closed our joint checking and savings and I never had access to the money in there I earned ... filed for divorce and got temp custody b/c I was a "lunatic" (I was in shock by the time I got out, but they didn't keep me because I didn't meet criteria).
Since the hearing, I found evidence that even more and worse ... he was in casinos out of state and I always believed he really was going for the reasons he said. The judge made an "equitable distribution" as I guess there was not even evidence of his dissipation (I trusted me attorney on that and was never told I needed to look for more)
We live in the middle of nowhere ... I lost one job because of my car breaking down and stress (sleep problems). I want to leave here, particularly as he is now trying to force the mortgage and utility payments on me; that's almost $1,000 a month I don't have. I have a $5,000 judgment of a year and a half I haven't seen a dime on and the house is ordered to be sold, and $4k to attorneys first before I even get "equalized" for personal property.
I looked on here for support groups (current) for family, etc but didn't see any. So I hope you don't mind me asking about all this.
He is planning to marry someone else and I KNOW that is one of the big reasons he was determined to divorce me. Just that he demanded, and seriously, that I get out, with only the stuff I had brought with me when I moved back ... and he wanted me to transfer nearly all the debt on his credit cards to mine, too.
I'm having a hard time with all this. I've been sent to mental hospitals, had to sleep in my car without access to money, had a nervous breakdown, went through the first divorce because I was afraid he'd put me through it all again. Misdiagnosed for five years due to his interference and ended up with PTSD, which got A LOT BETTER, after I was out of here. Then it was his refusal to make settlement after divorce, yelling screaming and threats when I would try to see our children, or refusal to allow visits, then Court fights (and more $ out), failed attempt to get a protective order and then, being thrown in jail as a result of all that because I wouldn't willingly hand our children back to someone who was terrorizing us, then more Court filings by him, trying to cut me off as much as possible. I came back finally because my attorney told me that although I was MUCH improved and had a great job (by then) there was no chance of changing custody ... despite all he did.
I've never heard of gambling causing this level of problems, especially to do all the things I've been through. But when it came out that he was having an affair, his sister told me (last time she would communicate with me) "don't trust him". I stuck to that and it is good that I did, even though where I am now is bad enough.
I tried talking with him, when I knew "pretty much" the worst and just told him that if we were "both right with God" and with one another, there wasn't any problem that wouldn't be solved. That things needed to change and that I could even understand "some" (I won't pretend to understand much of this), but that if he was in recovery, I would be there to support and encourage to best of my ability. I know the other woman represents a continuation of status quo and denial, a false level of "control" which he always has accused me of trying to have over him. I'm sure not perfect, but we live next door to his mother and he told me we could never move with his parents living, because he "can't break a promise to them". Apparently, to him, breaking vows to God and spouse, and all the effects on our children, are no big deal. SO I think that is where the main "control" issues come from.
I'm not sure what I am asking; does what I have gone through sound "out there" (it feels like living through a really bad novel or nightmare) or does this happen to others? Are there other places I can check for gambling? I am trying to get some breathing space to get another job/get out ASAP. I know, too, if I move out, the house is unlikely to ever sell ... while he lives. I have a protective order against him as he kept making threats, etc (all the stuff I failed to get it for in past ... this time I recorded it all). I'm also trying to work with my creditors as I would like to avoid bankruptcy. I think if I can get out and get a "real" job again, I will be able to do that. But with the lower income and legal/counseling averaging $450/month on top of all else, for over two years, I'm strapped. I tried to go through mediation (usually cheaper) but he would not co-operate, rescinded the one settlement offer once I reviewed it with attorney and accepted. And sort of bitter, last year I was approved (but needed decree or signed settlement) for an FHA mortgage for more than I would have needed. Now I can't afford gas to work. I've called every place and person/agency I can think of ... I'm ready to give up.
Thanks for any help or suggestions. I'm just emotionally exhausted/burned out trying to keep going and I guess I expected a better outcome. Feel like I am in shock.
I would recommend not to contact him at all and move on with your life, taking small steps. Right now you need to save yourself, because he still will try to manipulate (using children) and destroy you, if he will not be able to get anything from you. Don't give up, please. Don't let his ugly " figure to cover a sun for you. Keep believing tommorow will be another, different, good day. And for now you need a good sleep.
Blessing to you!
Hug, Vicky.
Other than the divorce hearing, I have had no contact with him since July, when he violated the PO. I have been reading a lot of others' posts and so I am seeing the realities I didn't know, that this can really get people doing some destructive things, to themselves, ultimately, but also to those who love and trust them. I've had my own issues in past and done some things as result that I definitely am not proud of, so I can relate on some level.
Around here, there are a lot of meth labs and stuff ... the authorities spring into action when they find that going on, especially when children are involved. Because gambling is legal, and much of the damage hidden like the foundation of a house crumbling til it collapses, nobody has gotten "excited" here ... even as I KNEW that we couldn't afford all the legal battles and etc and yet I knew he'd throw me out if I wasn't protected.
I will get some rest; I am tired. Emotionally exhausted. And thank you again. I feel like in some ways, despite all that I have even more recently learned and how our lives affected, I am still scratching only the surface.
There is too much going on for you to cope with all at once. As corny as it may seem, make a list, make your children number one on the list, then list EVERYTHING else, then work your way down that list. See if you can get some family or a friend to help you sort things out and focus.
Your burden is heavy but your eyes are wide open to see what is going on and what you need to do. One thing at a time.
Gambling changes people and they will not improve until they are ready.
If you can, stop talking to your ex. He seems to be trying to keep you off balance. Deal with him through a third party.
Focus on making sure you are ok and your kids are ok.
It will not be easy but most things worth having does not come easy.
There are some very wise people on this site who I' m sure will be here to support you in any way they can. They will offer WONDERFUL WORDS OF wisdom.
Stay strong and pray.
Peace, love and blessings
Lately, I feel like I've been "hitting the wall". Inside, it's like I feel motivated, etc. but I have no "oomph", no way other than forcing myself. Even at that, I'm not getting a lot done. I read an article recently on the effects on the family and the article mentioned "burnout". Haha. Talked about how the family members can "seem" to be mentally ill, but it's all due to trying to cope with craziness, and especially, we (I ) haven't really been clear on the source or how gambling affects people. He actually put me through a nervous breakdown in past. I recovered very nicely after a few years away from him, particularly since his interference in treatment & life left me with a 5 year misdiagnosis of bipolar, which HE liked, but did nothing for panic attacks/PTSD that I actually had
Probably the HARDEST thing is that I know he wouldn't have been able to continue playing destructive games, intentionally, with my life without his mother enabling and financing him. Tried talking with her. She's ecstatic about his married girlfriend; no problem that she's helping destroy her granddaughter's lives and stability x 2. She told me I will be an adulteress if I get involved after the divorce. I told her her diabetic son post heart attack and non-healing foot wound doesn't have long life expectancy and I'll be free after that, no prob. I don't speak with her anymore, either, now.
When I refused to leave, he threatened me twice - to bankrupt me through the divorce. All I wanted/needed was several months to pay down some bills and save some money ... so it strings out over 2 years, I've had $450/month legal/counseling fees to pay on top of "normal expenses" and he KNOWS IT. I've known for years we needed to increase our income and decrease spending. It's just been like being in a hostage situation or someone in a speeding car; watching that wall come closer, knowing you're going to crash and no way to jump out or stop them.
I am burnt out and not wanting to do anything because it results in nothing. What I accomplished has all been taken or destroyed, spent and stolen. And I have called, e-mailed and contacted so many places. Many, I needed help with car repairs so I can get another job again (and not lose this one, too). Why anyone would drag out a divorce, when I would have foregone all my assets and gotten the heck out, it's just vindictive, mean and petty. He has ALWAYS seemed to think he has the "right" to punish me for not obeying his demands but I will die before he is my "boss". He may "win" his game, but that's not going to change anything in my heart or mind, but I know, there are people who just need the outward "show" of compliance.
I read earlier some excerpts from a Gam-anon book about the games played. i remember, when I went into therapy 15 years ago, I started seeing us as a couple of overgrown adolescents "playing" adult with his mom and dad next door, setting the limits beyond which we were not allowed to pass. I didn't want that, especially as I supported myself and managed a store, etc before I got together with him. I think I was naive, some problems but not major. Picking the fight and blaming me (he's great with setting the kids and I at odds, although I don't fall for it much anymore).
But it's weird; he wants to throw me out but won't let me just go, reasonably. I don't get the needing to destroy me, other than he knows I don't "need" him? And don't "respect" him or his attempts to force me to play his drama script? He wants me to be "mom"and by that, yes, be responsible for everything while he plays, but also the "stand in" for his hatred. I can't do that and have worked to keep myself away from that dynamic, as I saw it creeping into me without my even noticing.
But seriously, HOW can someone keep motivation going when every proactive and "I'm trying to get out of your hair and life" action is met with destruction and mayhem and NOBODY will make him stop or ??
I have the protective order as he smashed a dehumidifier after the basement flooded (other things, too, including threats). Our youngest daughter has had fairly severe allergies since infancy. A week later, our daughters were (mildly) sick and I was coughing up blood. It cost me over $200 to replace the dehumidifier, medical treatment and special furnace/duct filters. All because he was freaking about a $28 increase in the electric ... and he wasn't even living here. He'd come in when nobody was here and turn things off, unplug them and then go eat chix wings with his guy friend and all kinds of other fun stuff (found lots of phone pix of him in restaurants).
That's where I'm having trouble. There's no point in trying if he not only destroys progress but adds more debt. It's like being in a sink hole and everyone sees me going down, but somehow I'm expected to save myself? Does that make sense?
But no contact with him since July. Sometimes that's worse because I used to think I was somewhat devious (in past); I was a babe in the woods. It's actually like he is trying to torture or break me ... but why? Because I don't want to play the game, after I found out that's what it was? Because I won't kowtow to him? The excerpts I read were so eerie and familiar I hope to read the rest. But mostly I just want out of here, so very much. It hasn't mattered if I'm "nice" or I'm assertive, although when we were divorced and I was regaining power in my life, there was a difference. I just don't have any power other than the power not to give in or to some extent, not to fall apart.
Sorry to go on with this, but something just struck me.
Occasionally, I've had these weird, weird thoughts/emotional sensations and turns out I was "picking up" and internalizing his disowned emotional states. So I am familiar with that. Is it all "burnout" or could I have some of internal stuff inside me, despite our not having contact? Reason I ask is I usually bounce back, set goals and go; stuff like cleaning and fixing the house I jam on. Obviously, the more I can get done, the faster and likelier the house is to sell. That should give me hope and renewed energy/determination. Usually, when someone treats me like dirt, I do what I need to, get away from them if they won't change and go on with more positive things and people.
I am going to get that book about the (mind) games because I think it will be helpful to me, as well as my daughters will obviously continue having some contact with him/his relatives and I am wondering if there might be some other good books or sites for info in terms of understanding "the worst" and hopefully how to deal with it. I found a site with forum for family, friends too so hopefully that will be a good place for info. A lot of forums no recent activity.
I wished and prayed he would be one of those to walk away; maybe in future, but realistically, he doesn't have a long life ahead and he has yet to take responsibility in other areas. Sad, because I think I saw glimpses of a really fine man he could have become and maybe tried to be. But he's not my husband or my friend; I can't condone or accept the destruction and boundary violations or any addiction related problems (his) being made mine. I've paid my share and then some, and so have our children. I get that.
Also, I just want to say I commend or congratulate all of you who are in recovery. Somehow it seems it's harder than some other things, from what I have read. But that and just the appreciate the willingness to say something and share, to help me.
I've had people I've known, friends or acquaintances who've become abusive or acting crazy and destructive, due to drugs and alcohol. Those things are more "out there" and easier to stop the "crap" dead on and take protective action. This has been a mind-bender for me, especially realizing it's been going on the whole time and I've gotten locked up as a loony and etc as a result, while he's flown under the radar. At least I got a whole lot of recovery out of it (!!) and when he DID start his stuff again, the old tactics didn't give him same results. I'm just never sure what to expect next, but figure people with more knowledge might.
IE divorce is final; house ordered to be sold (he does not want to sell and has already tried to force the expenses to me via attorney letter). I know if he forces me out, the house WON'T sell. Therefore, I have to concentrate on increasing my income and dealing with my debt, best I can. I'm actually nervous because my younger daughter is coming home and I know he works through them, I know he does not intend for me to be able to walk away from here and be able to make any kind of life! So though not going to live in "fear", there is still anxiety, especially not knowing from where the next arrows are likeliest to come. I'm also posting to some legal forums so if I talk with attorney again, maybe some good ideas. One attorney through the DV agency here already looked over my decree and pointed out my settlement isn't protected (like if the house isn't sold or sells short) by alternative means of satisfaction and recommended action on that.
I just really need to make it through this time and didn't think it would take this long or be so devastating. He even wanted it to be a fast divorce, til I "screwed up" his plans. I KNOW that he has been punishing me, because I know that is how he works. And I know the INTENT is still there, just that his previous methods haven't worked so any punishment has to be more insidious. He knows I will scream to high heaven and raise a stink (now), even if it makes me look a clown, if he messes me or the kids and I know it.
But I know he is also still living in his delusion and supported in that by his delusional "friends". So nothing is going to change for the better (with him) unless he has another heart attack or something and they can't influence him for a time. To him, I am "the enemy" and that is the one thing I know for certain, besides the fact that he is somewhat paranoid. Not a good combo.
I just know that I can't stay in shock; I HAVE to rouse myself somehow ... but I also know the stress adaptation model shows death (after exhaustion) to be the result of unrelenting, life-threatening stress. So a better knowledge handle and simple game plan ... cause this is too much for one person to keep going with indefinitely. I feel like I'm being punished now by decree and sale ... I remain hostage and must clean carpets and the whole house just in order to ransom myself. It sucks.