a lot. I live on a reservation and I go about once every 2 weeks. I figure I spend a lot of money out there. Some of us joke and say we are paying our own selves and it will come back to us anyway. But I know that is not healthy thought. Or sometimes someone will come out and say we left money in there for you. Of course I never win. At times I would get my lights shut off, or would not have gas to make it to work and make it to the gas station barely on payday. The shame, guilt, and frustration at myself would be horrible. I would take it out on my children, and be angry all the time. My daughter told me I was always out at the casino. I didn't think I was out there that much until I started tracking the times I went out there. I was going out about three times a week and spending 5-20 dollars at a time. I felt like I wasn't doing any damage. I didn't realize I was missing out on my children growing up. I was asked what my sons favorite something or other was. I guessed. I didn't know what his favorite anything was. For two years I didn't do anything but chase the win. I wanted so bad to win thousands of dollars. I never did of course.
Now I am doing my best to put money in a savings account and watching my budget. Every time I feel like gambling I go and put money in my savings account. Whatever amount I think I would gamble away. I just transfer it into my savings. That is my strategy for now, today. Tomorrow I may change it. I may decide to fill my time instead of my pocket. I may decide to take a class. Or I may decide I need to take a trip with my family.
The children, my 4 beautiful children is what caused me to take a look at my gambling addiction. I know I have a gambling addiction. I know it gets bad for me at times. But I have a supporting, loving family who stands with me and helps me through my addiction. One day I may stop. I pray that I won't hit rock bottom. I know that stopping right now isn't going to happen. I am not going to say I am not going out to the casino ever again. I am going to say I am not going out to the casino today. I will go to church tonight. I will go to class tonight. I will save money tonight. I will be healthy tonight.
Night time is the time I go out to the casino. I went once during the day and it felt awkward. Because I was there when all my children were awake. They went swimming and I went gambling. After ward I went swimming with them and felt dumb because I lost that day, it was 5 dollars. I had some money to treat them to a snack afterwards. But with that 5 extra dollars I could of got them a full meal deal. I felt bad.
When i want to gamble I think of these things and remember I am lucky to have the life I do. I am buying a house, and I am saving for a car. I have 4 beautiful children and a family that loves me.
when I think about gambling, I think about losing money, I get excited and nervous at the same time. Then i think about winning. i think about walking out with thousands of dollars. I think about how much time I am going to spendi there. I wonder if I can stay just 2 hours and leave or if I will stay longer. I wonder if I will get the new car, or would I take the money. Of course some one else wins the car and I get disappointed about it.
I like to think about gambling. I like to think one day I will be able to think about it as a memory. But just for today I am not going to the casino.