Roxxxx, I had the same feeling so many times...
In fact, I felt so many times, especially after I would just barely pick up my head and be able to start to get above "water", all of a sudden - boom! and subottage myself, even with more force smashing my face of the ground, going and gambling again. At those moments, I had no believe in anything. But first of all, in myself! I felt, like a gambling addiction is engraved in every single cell in my body. I thought, I carry it inside, there is no chance for me for a better present and tommorow, and only way... to get rid of my gambling addiction is to get rid of myself! I remember planning, calling insurance companies to check if suicide would be covered, driving next to the cemeteries and be jelous to dead, peacefull souls bared in there, wanting to be one of them. What stopped me each time is love to my daughter, to my son. I just could not imagine them to be left without their mother, especially only with their depressive father. But thought of I am a problem, and a settlement money after my death would a solution came to me many times.
I also was wondering, where the F..k is my rock bottom?! Why people talk about reaching a rock bottom and I don't have one! I'll say even more, I purposely would steal, do something offensive in a casino, just to get a bad attention on myself and be arrested. I had a police called on me 3 times. Because, I thought maybe if I'll be locked in jail, I'll stop gambling.... But, then even thought of being in jail didn't scare me anymore. But by that time, I didn't want to be dead anymore, because of my daughter first of all.
By that time, I also exousted all possible options to get treated for gambling addiction. I done everything: self-help, self-exclusion/banning from every casino in the state, prayers, years in GA, counseling, antipsycotic drugs, mental clinic treatments with psychiatrist, hypnotherapy. All! With no result!
My last time I stopped, I realized I don't have any options anymore, and all I can do is to say I surrender. Despite all above options I tried, I never had a support system. But DS helped me to build one. It was just a right mix of my own determination, right time and support what I need (24 hrs a day to cover all my impulsiveness) from same gambling addicts as me. I stopped, and withdrawals I went through is my rock bottom now. I basically died to disconnect myself from the thought, I can Never Gamble Again in my Life. I disconnected myself from somehing what use to be my Life, my Love, my Friend, my Everything - and it was Gambling. The pain I went through I will never forget. But I am still alive and breathing. Regaining my peace.
Roxxxxy, please don't loose believe in yourself, please give yourself a chance of another day in your life without gambling. Sometimes, you have to do a lot of measure for being and staying GF. You can, Roxxxxy! You are wonderfull human being, loving woman, mother and grandma! You have lovely energy! Don't let Gambling Addiction to dominate and consume your soul. All Gambling is after - is your Soul! You need your soul, Roxxxx! You need it for yourself, so you can believe and enjoy better Today!
I want to wish you Strength and wisdom, to recognize what else have to be done on your behalf to just Stop. To give Roxxxxy another chance.
Big Hug to You!
Always remember, please, You are Not alone!
Vicky.

Roxx-hang in there-the ups and downs of addiction and recovery can be exhausting. You are not alone.

Roxxxy, read Vicky;s post over and over again. No one has been through more than her. And after a short period of time she is blossoming. You can do the same. She used the word surrender. That is a GA term. I was down as low as you can get too. I am still down but to a lesser degree. We keep on growing. I have a considerable amount of time from drinking and gambling and have an illness. I get depressed and sometimes I ponder giving it all up. Then I think of my kids and I say to myself what a chicken shit. I am here for a reason and it is up to me to figure out why, and I can't figure that out if I am dead. We at DS care about you even when you might not care about yourself. Trust us and surrender. We will hold your hand when you say those that word. We all are not on this site for horseshit. We are hear to help and so are you. To help others we have to help ourselves. Just a start. Nobody is holding a gun to your head to gamble. Write on this site every day for a while. You will surrender. We love you roxxxy, we care, we want you happy and helping others. Now, right now is the time to start. I hope to see another post from you today. Jon

Roxxxy, I feel your utter despair, I don't want to tell you that I have been there. I don't know if what I felt is what you are going through now. Vicky, Cloris and Jon offer so many words of great wisdom, I just have to add my truth.
For me, I believe, my addictions have always been caused by this feeling of emptiness. I am trying to fill it up with anything I can. At first it was with alcohol. Until that got so self destructive and out of control, I had to go to AA. Then it became gambling [switching addictions], until that got so destructive and out of control I had to go to GA. Throughout all my struggles and addictions I have gotten a stronger relationship with my Higher Power. Roxxxy, is this a possibility for you? Maybe you can fill your emptiness with spirituality and meetings. I do not know enough about your situation to know if this is an option for you. I think one of the greatest options available to us here and off the boards is volunteerism. I do believe that every time we reach out our hand, we get back two fold. It doesn't cost anything, and we are helping ourselves and others.
Roxxxy, please do not give up. We want you to be here, and tell us, yes, no matter how low we feel, there is still hope. I will be praying for you, and we are all in your corner. Love and hugs, ~Estel

Love all the replies. I know I needed to hear them also.

Roxxxy.......



We Wil, We Will,
Rock you....
Rock you....

when you can"'t find the energy to do it on your own. It's ok...as everyone here has said....we have all been in that place, in some capacity, along the way. But we must not give up, because our lives depend upon us pushing through times like these.

If you need to reach out, please, please, do...we will be here for you!

I believe in you, and know that you can do this...believe in yourself!

Love Tagg

ty all for all your wise words and support...I am going to read the posts again in the morning I had 2 real rough days at work and now ready to hit the bed for some overdue R&R...I am really glad I found all of you....thx again ...hugs and love
Roxxxy26