day 68 without gambling! I am in a pickle, and found myself emotional last night. My mom is by best friend, I adore her, and she is so supportive. Part of my family lives in Las Vegas, and we planned a trip the end of this month, 27th, to drive there and spend time with my family, my mom, who knows I'm in recovery is very protective over me, to be honest, sometimes a bit too much.

Last night we discussed the trip and she told me we were staying on the strip. She wants to go to shows, shop, etc. She is super excited about the trip, its only a few days, and not too far of a drive from San Diego. I went along with the conversation, and when I was done, I started to cry, it just hit me, emotionally, sitting in my backyard, it hit me like a small wave of emotion.

Honestly, she is so excited, I have always had a hard time saying no to my mom, and this time is no different, but when she told me we were staying on the strip, I knew I was going to have to. Although she told me she would be with me the entire time, watching me, etc., I really don't want to go, I don't want to be around the sounds, the people, I don't, I can't. I'm not ready and I'm not overly confident I ever will be. The thought of being in a casino, or even staying in a hotel / casino has me in a bit of a panic mode, and that isn't who I am, I'm generally a very confident, fearless type of person, but this situation has me in fear.

I am going to give it a couple of more weeks, to see if I can get past it, I know I will be watched, and with people that love me, and care for me, but I also know ME, and the triggers I'm afraid of. Plus, I don't want to have to have a babysitter, I want to be able to be some place where I feel safe, and not afraid, and to be quite honest, the strip in Las Vegas, for me, not so safe.

Thanks for listening, I figured, if there was anyone who would understand this strange emotion, it would be you. xoxoxoxox