i am working on recovery. i got out of bed, went swimming, then i did a few other things today. i have had 3 good days in a row. i was out today, near this place where if i wanted to i could have gambled coz i am not banned, the thoughts and urges came rushing through my mind, i thought at one point i was so desperate to go there just to kill some time. but here i am, on the pension, unemployed for many years, barely getting by, lost all my savings gambling, starting to save again, feeling a tad guilty for i feel happy, i need to give myself permission to feel happy, it's not easy. not eay to relax, i have been through alot, at the end of the day this is my mind and my life, i don't want to live in a hellish state of mind until i die. so i have decided to go to the pool more often, spend more time on positive facebook sites. i quit television just about the same time as i quit gambling over 3 months ago. if you think doing nothing is the easy, it's not, if you think it's easy doing nothing, try it for a year, it's not easy at all. why is it that i can't just let go, relax, like my therapist has tried to teach me in breathing exercises, why can't i accept that i am free and fortunate, and have the ideal life for me, i want nothing, i do not wish for more clothes, or better house, or anything, i want to lead the simple life. luxery doesn't appeal to me as much anymore. when i see someone who in their poverty smiles, and makes the best of it, it gives me more joy than to see a ferrari or a million dollar house. i am content, yet nervous. one day i will learn to relax even more. just relax, i have everything i need right here and now. i need not more.