Writing my journal and re-read them whenever I have urge so I won't forget the horrible past.

Sometimes it seems impossible to resist the urge. I just try to do something else for a while. Watch a movie, read a book, but my restless, stupid brain sometimes steers me back. I know all about the causes. The dopamine, the seratonin, the synapses. I just can't get around it. I make excuses...my fortune cookie says it is useless to deny my nature [!]. Oh, so that means just to cave. I rationalize, and make excuses. Trick myself into thinking "yes, this time it will be different". I do not enjoy buying new clothes. If I were going to treat myself it would have to be going to SF and seeing the Giants play [over 100 straight sell-outs], so that's out. Again a sign to me. Go to the movies? Already saw The Avengers and The Hunger Games [both excellent BTW]. I know if I can get past it, it will pass. Give me strength. It's Friday and a payday. I just know I am going to cave.

When I'm triggered, I play the tape in mind, to the end. I feel those giddy happy feelings. Visualize myself happily skipping in the Casino, then see myself worried sick with my head hung down coming out wandering around the parking lot because I've been in there so long, hell, I forgot where I parked. When I take myself through this process, I truly feel those sick, crazy emotions and that's enough for me to watch a movie. Read a book. Call a friend. Do anything, but gamble. Keep your head up.

Hi, Atticus63, hope not to late to say, DON'T GO! I get a small check on Monday and I just can't go this time! I can't. The last few months I haven't felt much regret, etc. for spending my small checks but they do mount up to over $500-600 per month just spent one at a time. Anyway last Monday when I went as usual and of course lost I did feel really, really bad. Bad enough to tell myself that I quit! But, but in a week you can forget those feelings. I really want to quit this time. I have to quit, I can't take those feelings of regret, those days without a cent to do anything, I mean no money at all! It has gotten to that point with me. I'm done. Will keep posting. Thanks, retaann

Hi again, should have said will keep posting, and most important will keep reading your posts because they are trully guiding me in this struggle! Thank God for Daily Strength, I really mean it! Thanks again, retaann

Hi Folks - It is refreshing to know that we are communicating to fight this affliction. Nobody understands what we go through. Ever have someone say to you "just don't go....." Clueless. After 20 years of designing my life to work with this demon, I've managed a few " urge" resistant tricks. Maybe try and purchase pre-paid gift cards (visa, amex) with your cash or checks. They don't work in an ATM but they are great for any other purchase or bill paying. It's a one minute transaction that will help you keep your money. I also pin reminder notes everywhere possible. "Remember the PAIN" keeps me in line because we all forget far too quickly. Having my sister (trusted person) hold my ATM card worked very well until, she moved (ooops). The hardest, for most, is to move to such a distance from the problem that it is grossly inconvenient to get there. I even tried Hawaii for a year. No form of gambling happens there. It was a great experience but too expensive to keep up. My closest casino is an hour away and after working long, brutal hours, I'm too exhaussted to get there. We are fighting for our financial health here, and the urges won't go away. Today will be a great day and I will be "SLOT-FREE" For now ALOHA ( May the breath of God always be in your presence)

Just thinking of gambling makes me nauseated. I get nervous and feel full of dread. Right before I finally decided to stop gambling I kept thinking that no matter what I do, I will walk out a loser. So, my advice to you is to remind yourself that gambling is a losing proposition. That's the way the billionaire casino owners designed it. You can not professionally gamble. Imagine yourself walking into the billionaire's offiice and just handing him your paycheck. Then imagine the fat cat laughing and pointing at you. This usually works for me.

Thats a good way of looking at it vegas ..
And I also like the idea of starting the journal here .. that I have been avoiding cuz' I dont think I want to admit my real feelings.
Yeah, Vegas is right , I mean geez, c'mon ... I work hard for my $ and have built a successful business. Why in Gods name would I want to throw it all away and keep shoving 20 dollar bills into a machine that is NEVER gonna repay me? I know I do that because Im sick, but I wanna get better! This is the end of day 2 for me ....
Thanks for all of You for being here, I really do appreciate it:-)

I think now its been almost 1 month - I'm actually proud of myself, never thought I would actually say that about myself, however I feel it.
I'm still struggling financially and trying to stretch as much as I can, however to know I'm doing the right thing I feel like a better person.
Each time I would say I will take these thousands of dollars of my hard earned pay-check and use it for the following:
my addiction
poker
fun
Try to make money to pay all the debt I have incurred from this addiction
THIS NEVER WORKED, I GOT DEEPER AND DEEPER.
The fact and reality that I never left with any money because I lost so much and if I won even $100 oh no....I would think that's toooo little to leave with, ya right - $100 right now could do so much.
Now I realize more than ever that my choices, reasoning for gambling were wrong - my life is sooooooo much more enriching. I find myself so much more caring and engaging with others because I'm not thinking of the next time I hit that casino...I don't want to hit that casino anymore, its not worth my life anymore. To think its been something like 18-19 years of "hell," for me - the ups, downs, no money, no life - its JUST NOT WORTH it, it took so much of me away from everything when I really had nothing to run from.
Something really has clicked for me this time....and again checking in on here REALLY has helped me too.
SO nice that were here for one another and really understand that we are good people, its just this addiction got the better of us, however its never too late to quit or stop gambling, we all have the power within ourselves to do it.

I was GF until yesterday when I decided to go to the casino with my husband. Before that I had not gambled since April 7th. I was actually doing quite well despite the occasional triggers that would come and go.
The thing that was helping me was that I was visualizing the casino scenario...like someone else said, walking in happy but then the same old tape was playing and it ended the way it always does. I am dealing with the guilt and the stress and anxiety of trying to figure out how I will recover the money. I am physically tired and mentally drained.
The best strategy I have found was to stay angry at the entire gaming industry for making money off of other people's miseries. I keep in mind how they set us up to come into the casino...sending us teasers in the mail and calling us on the phone...yes they do that too. I guess I feel like they are insulting my intelligence when they presume to think that they are really convincing me that I am very important..."VIP". It is like adding insult to injury.
So even though I made a BAD choice yesterday I will get back up and dust myself off and begin once again.
I will say this...I am getting stronger. : ))

Hi, I didn't go gamble yesterday! I did hear that little voice tho saying, "yeah, but you could double your money". Yeah, right! Instead got some groceries and a haircut. Feelin good!

Seems alot of us on this great site have reached the first step of GA. (admit we are Powerless over gambling, our lives have become unmanageable).

How do we get thru the second step (come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to a normal way of thinking and living.)

I want to do the steps even tho not a real GA group in my area. If anyone can give understanding to the steps I would certainly be grateful!

I'm one of those people who feels I must do everything myself if possible......so just don't quite get #2. Thanks, retaann

Retaan, I am going to start a new thread that may be helpful to you in step number 2. Please check it out.

Thank you, thank you, run4life, look forward to your post. Sincerely, retaann

Thank you, thank you, run4life, look forward to your post. Sincerely, retaann

I am powerless over gambling and yes, my life has become unmanageable because of it. I am a member of another 12 step program and have worked those steps and continue to do so on a daily basis . Now ... all I have to do is apply them and the principles of that 12 step program to my gambling and I stand the chance of being a winner and not a loser!
Im looking forward to following the new thread on the steps for ppl ( like myself ) who do not have GA mtgs available in their area.
Thanks Everyone for being here!