Gosh, you sound just like me. I almost wondered if I wrote your message. I've been at my lowest many times and still haven't quit. Like you, many, many times I lost everything plus cash advances, won it back - and immediately lost it again. I give up on the thought that I will take home money because I always put it back in the machines. I haven't gone for 3 weeks now, but the usual craving is coming back. You're right...probably from boredom. I need to find a new "high" that's not so idiotic. I used to volunteer at the Humane Society, but it's too far from where I live now. Maybe I'll check into a local shelter to see if they accept volunteers. Not that I have a ton of time on my hand, and already have dogs at home to take care of, but maybe looking forward to helping the stray animals will bring something new to be excited about. I'm glad you are aware that you have a gambling problem and know others are in your shoes.

Sounds just like me too. I think the merry-go-round thinking is just that in itself it is addiction. I can only speak for myself, but what I know to work comes from the the twelve step programs. They define insanity as doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. So while I have admitted and accepted complete powerlessness I have to have a defense against this insane urge or thinking if you will. My defense seems to come from others with the same problem and then finally from a higher power. Every meeting I go to, time spent with others with the same issues, prayer and meditation, helps me to make the right decisions not the insane choice the addict in me thinks up. The twisted thinking doesn't come so much now but it does come and when it does I try my hardest to think it through honestly against the lies in my head. Against the pathetic addict reasoning that I can only try 40 dollars and walk out. I think once we are honest about this lie in our heads we can begin to help ourselves. Everyday and a few times during the day when I catch my thinking being insane I ask my higher power as I understand this higher power to help me not gamble today and to take the desire from me. It has been working. For me I have to also surround myself with positive action also. I know I can not gamble, but I still want to in a way sometimes. I probably always will- the important thing is that I don't and I pray I won't. One of my favorite sayings in meetings is "if you always do what you always did you will always get what you always got." I didn't reach a bottom like most of the people on here, but I was so tired of losing all my money. Of saying I would walk out with my winnings to pay a bill I had shuffled until next pay day, the vacation money I blew and knew I would make up next week only to get the money back on a machine, but be so mezmorized I gambled it all again and got more out of the ATM. I would feel so guilty and disgusted. I know now and accept that I can't stop once I start so I don't want to start. That is bottom enough for me. I hope you make a decision for yourself and if you do run with it.

Wow! I was thinking while I was reading this that it mirrors all of us. You asked have any of us been there, and YES, we all have. You described the feelings and emotions explicitly.

You also asked What helps? What did it for me is that I finally realized what this addiction can do and has done to me and so many others. Like you said, it is not the winning "per se" but that mesmerizing feeling. It began to make me feel sick and depressed. I felt that way for a long time until I realized that I needed to help myself. I realized that the only person who cares about me is ME. I am the one responsible for taking care of ME emotionally, physically and mentally.

So, I picked myself up, brushed myself off and started all over again. I put a lot of work into ME along with the help of my Higher Power.

It is something that I NEVER want to do again. I feel too good now to turn back. I would rather have NOTHING and feel GREAT than to have WON everything and lost my SOUL.

I do not want anything that is bad to have that kind of POWER over me, so I CHOOSE a different way of thinking and a different way of looking at things.

Like you said, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID! You have it all figured out, you just need to apply yourself.

Sounds like you have more skills than you give yourself credit for!

TAKE CARE OF YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE #1! :-)

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo mamabear21

Everyone has to hit their own low, their own bottom, and sometimes many times, before you can finally have enough courage to quit. and its ridiculous how low some of us have to go. for me it was being broke, bouncing payday loans, not being able to pay rent, and not having any furniture, even when i made good money. pawning items for 50 bucks to take to casino to hope i won enough to pay off my debts i had aquired. i had to file bankruptcy, and still i struggle.
im not like i was, but i still have slips and issues. at least now i have a real bed, not sleeping on the floor.
if you want my advice, stop trying to figure out why you gamble, and just accept that you do and that you have a problem. if you keep trying to figure out why, it will keep you going back, that you can have self control this time, that you will walk away this time, only go with a budget, to try to regain some self respect and get some answers. ITS NOT ABOUT THE MONEY. it never was about the money. the money doesnt matter. dont chase it. its about self control, and its a sickness, a compulsive disorder that is difficult to control. it doesnt matter if you lose 20 bucks or 20,0000.
its about something deeper. and you might never know why you started gambling, or why you kept gambling in the ridiculous way you did. it may be boredom you say, but if you think about it, what are things you used to enjoy before you started gambling? isnt it strange how you forget? what did you do before you gambled?
i cant remember really, but i remember always paying my bills, i remember having fun. but that was also so long ago.
dont give up. do what you have to do to stay away.

I know how u feel and I dont spend as much as u but,I spend enough, I feel bad after I do it.I want tostop.I pray everyday.I think that is my problem to bored.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNWz8rcQtSI


Check out this video, if You really listen to what this guy is saying about CG, it makes some sense. I don't know if it is why I gamble, although It did make me think a bit about it. I do know that it is not about the money and it is about the feeling. Hope it helps.
Do anything that helps.

For Me, 14 years ago, I would have put My life on the circle of the blackjack table, It was then I felt My life became unmanageable, I did feel self destruction was the only way out of the mess I had got Myself into. Although I continued to gamble after the pain started to ease, I have been in and out of GA since then and remember how I felt back then and know I never want to go back there. The only thing that truly changed concerning My gambliing is the amount of time and money I devoted to it, the feelings and wasted time have always been the same, and the end results have always been the same. Everyone has a different bottom and everyones recovery is different as well. For Me, I can not look back any more and regret what I have done, I can only choose My lifes path moving forward with or withoug gambling in it. I feel if My recovery becomes genuine, I can help many others with this terrible sickness. To recover, I have nothing to lose, If I continue to gamble, I have everything to lose, My family, friends, freedom, sanity....and for what? The love of money... I have a sickness, an addiction, a life long battle with a problem that can make My life miserable or I can seek the help that is available to Me to recover and live a normal happy life. I know wich one I want. Just for today, I will not gamble. I'll worry about tomorrow once it gets here. I wish You success with what ever path You choose to follow, My friend.

My sponsor often tells me that some people need to go out and get more pain. I hope you do not have to keep going out and get more pain. Get to a G A meeting where more support can be given to you. I believe a person has to do a complete First Step which once and for all tells the person working the step - "I cannot gamble." And then choose not to gamble. I wish you well.

Rock Bottom. Compulsive gambling. Addiction. I can remember wondering how much more can I possibly hate myself. I can remember wondering why no one was stopping me, despite the fact that I hid my addiction with denial and lies. I can remember becoming a shell of a person filled with fear and pain. Rock Bottom. I can remember feeling lost and wondering how others changed their way of living and thinking simply because they stopped gambling. I heard many stories much, much worse than my own, here, and at GA meetings. It made me feel rather chicken shit, excuse my language, but that's what rolled through my head, I'm a half ass addict. My story sounded sort of pitiful when I compared myself to others. But the pain of mentally and emotionally falling apart was my ROCK BOTTOM. I believed I was going insane. I actually wished someone would commit me, at least in a straight jacket I couldn't gamble. There's a little pamphlet at the casinos, "When the Fun Stops", I remembering wondering, was it ever about fun, for me. Isolating, yes, desperation egging me on to win enough to stop. I won enough to stop so, so many times. The problem was I didn't stop until it came down to gambling or my family. Gambling or sanity. I wanted the nightmare to end so badly. I got to a point where I wished I could stop, believing I would never know happiness again. I just wanted it to go away, even if it meant I was still insane! I thought I'd rather be crazy than a crazy, gambling fool. A fool on a stool. I knew it wasn't about the money. I wanted to lose so I could go home and pretend to be normal. I know, I'm writing a book! Ha, ha, ha! I didn't think I had much to add after reading everyone else's replies! I love this site. I love the lovely feeling of happiness, the happiness I thought I could live without. Not about the money. I remember part of my confession, telling my husband "it's not about the money", believe me, there was no way he could agree with that one, still can't, because it was his money. My father was an addict, drugs, alcohol, sex ( I guess you could say)...what else...I loved him dearly, still do. But an addict he was. He told me it not how much, it's what ever it takes. I understand that now. I'm not sure if he was a compulsive gambler, but he gambled. I now know there isn't enough money for a compulsive gambler, it's what ever it takes. I hope I didn't type your ear off, but I want you to know, you sure helped me. Thanks for the post. Here for you, too.

I had the same exact experience tonight. I gambled Everything .. won Nothing .. went and borrowed some money .. went back Immediately and lost Everything .. I have Nothing left .. at this point, not even a few dollars to put gas in my car until next payday .. Yeah that's broke .. how bad does it have to get ?? Well it got bad enough for me to find you all here .. what i do know is I Am feeling like i am in Hell Right now and what i know about Hell is Hell has No Bottom .. it can Always get worse .. Even fatal .. this is my thinking for tonight and forever .. it was an addict who once shared with me the knowledge hell has no bottom and i was raised in church yet never heard anything so profound at the time i heard it .. tonight .. =)

I don't know anything about Ga but i have my first f2f meeting in the morning .. what i know about the steps i have done in alanon is that one of the promises or readings in the big AA book used for alcoholics annonymous is the Hope that as far down as we've gone .. this is how high up we can go if we Truly work the steps .. The steps never change; only the problem .. with this in mind i'm really hoping GA 12 steps can work equally as well if i work them ..

I'm devastated tonight .. the only requirement for membership i would guess is a desire to stop gambling .. well .. i don't Feel the desire but know i wish to God i didn't have this obssession or compulsion .. hence i have a desire .. it isn't about the money for me either and if i'm bored, lonely, irritated it probably stems from one thing .. disconnection from my higher power who can give me everything ..

Really hoping to find the healing i need through the meetings .. praying for us both tonight .. !!

I knew I had a problem but thought that I could control it on a budget. Uh, that didn't work but I kept trying it through several years and a few thousand dollars. I knew I had to try quit or be financially ruined, divorced and totally filled with self-loathing. I'm still trying. Trying feels so much better than wondering whether or not I should try.

Fool on a stool... that to me is so profound. I can so relate to that.

Feel the same way as all of you!!! I work so hard as most of you do and have nothing but a bunch of debt to show for it. I should have thousands saved in the bank, but I chose to be stupid. i can't tell you the amount of times, I've won and put it back plus some and then some, only to leave feeling like a jerk, depressed, sick. It scares me to know that I will never be the same person I was before I gambled. I may be better, but there will always be a part of me deep down inside that could relapse, making it start all over again. SO SCARY!!