Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
I had been gamble free for about 6 months, then "fell off the wagon" so to speak. When I fell, I fell hard. Around January I had taken money from the kids savings acct...(not to justify) but this is something I had done for a while and always returned it by payday. All completely a result of gambling and getting in over my head with debt. My wife found out and it was unfortunately during an inbetween week and I had not returned the money...this made matters worse of course. I've made countless pleas to repay this but she will not allow it and I told her to look back over the history and she will see that i had put the money back. Don't get me wrong, I've always been ashamed of this and the discovery was like a knife to my heart that I inflicted myself. She is a recovering alcoholic who has been clean for 15 months. Unlike me and gambling, her alcoholism never led to any real consequences (ie DUI, kids hurt while she was passed out and i was at work, etc.) I'm happy for her in this regard, but the consequences of my gambling are constant..(debt, bad credit, theft from the kids) and there is no empathy from her in this regard at all. Everything regarding the kids with her problem is a "coulda happened" with me it's a "did happen" so therefore she trumps me and I recognize this. I can't forgive myself for involoving the kids and she can't forgive me. We've been in a marriage of convenience for a couple years now but I want it to work at all costs. I've lost all of her trust and respect and recently I blew up when I found her secretly e-mailing an ex. I don't want to think divorce is imminent because I can't imagine that hardship on all of us and honestly neither of us can afford it. On the brightside, I've stopped gambling since January as a result but this too is not enough. I need to work extra to pay off debt so that means less time that I am helping with the kids and she feels that this is unfair to her as well. I don't know what to do..this is the first I've ever contemplated suicide over gambling because the shame and pain has been horrific. I know that won't solve anything..(negating the life insurance would put the kids in more of a bind)...
Will I ever forgive myself for sinking this low?? Will she ever forgive me?? Does time heal all wounds?? Does it ever get better or is it waiting for the next relapse?? Will the debt ever go away and stability show it's face?? I'm sorry for the long post but I'm heartbroken and I think just generally broken. Last question, if it comes to divorce is gambling and debt something that will deny me joint custody?? It hurts to breathe and I feel so powerless over my own life...Our kids need me to be normal and our marriage to be normal as it was 10 years ago prior to my gambling and their births..Can I get that back for them?? Thanks for listening/reading and please share...I'm at the end of my rope and I may have fashioned a noose.
Will I ever forgive myself for sinking this low?? Will she ever forgive me?? Does time heal all wounds?? Does it ever get better or is it waiting for the next relapse?? Will the debt ever go away and stability show it's face?? I'm sorry for the long post but I'm heartbroken and I think just generally broken. Last question, if it comes to divorce is gambling and debt something that will deny me joint custody?? It hurts to breathe and I feel so powerless over my own life...Our kids need me to be normal and our marriage to be normal as it was 10 years ago prior to my gambling and their births..Can I get that back for them?? Thanks for listening/reading and please share...I'm at the end of my rope and I may have fashioned a noose.
You brought up a great point I've been trying to figure out regarding the suicidal thinking and the compulsive gambler... "Unlike me and gambling, her alcoholism never led to any real consequences.." For one she was very fortunate - don't think it is always like that for an alcoholic though - I was married to one but there is some real truth to what you said...
It's the paths that compulsive gambling almost guarantees a walk on - the debt, the loss of credit, the stealing, the lying, the complete secret life, the stress (a drinker numbs it), the loss of material things - or just basic needs in life like shelter... an addiction is an addiction but this one especially comes out in nasty ways - and for me - it happend fast....
Anyhow..Sorry to hear that your wife is using what happened with the kids savings as a means to punish you - and her un-forgiveness is tearing you apart. My guess is that she may be using that as an excuse (sh'es been emailing an x???) - and if that is the case - that it REALLY unfair to you.
you can't change your wife's actions or make her forgive you - but you can continue do the best thing for you and your children right now: You are on the road to recovery - been gamble free for 6 ms - next step is maybe forgiving yourself (?) - Most of us cg's have really done some crappy things were ashamed of - if I dwell or think about some of the things I've done because of this disease I'd never be able to move on. And I know about the suicidal thoughts connected to this 'thing'... started a discussion thread on it. When I first started posting here - its where my thoughts were.
Take care and I hope you continue posting here - are you going to GA? You are going to need every ounce of support you can get. The worst thing to do is be alone with our thoughts and also have at the same time someone who is unsupportive....
OR she is VERY hurt by what has happend and is in self protection mode. Got thinking about when I was married - and what the xh did to our lives because of his addiction - at one time I did have someone I was talking to outside the marriage (no affair) but I was let down - hurt by the man who was my husband and the man who was the father to my sons - couldn't understand how he could allow his self to become the person he did and hurt his family. I didn't understand addiction then, and even while I do today - I'm still upset with him (my xh of 13 years) and unforgiving.. but then again he is still drinking... but had he done something about his addiction while we were married - eventually I would have been able to forgive - I WANTED to forgive - but like others have mentioned - it is about trust. When trust is broken - its not easily gained back - BUT that doesn't mean it will never be gained back. I would have with my x - might have taking some time - but as much as I 'punished' him - and to this day still do and he thinks I hate him, if he would just got on the road to recovery and started rebuilding our lives - I would have learned to trust again.... in time.
Keep keeping on... keep moving forward...hopefully in time your wife will be on the same page as you. I say this because my xh thought I despised him - I didn't - I was just really, really hurt.
And for my Houes to be restored it took time. Patience for both. Words had to match my Actions for Trust to be found.
By the way.. I felt hopeless in recovery when the 'dream finally died. But it was the grieving process. YOu can ''pass through this. It takes reaching out farther for help in your area..TRy GA. The only thing you may lose is YOUr Pride.
Be Well Sandra..