I totally understand how you're feeling, I was obsessed with the "brain" element of this addiction in the beginning of my recovery. I felt betrayed by my own mind! What has worked for me so far is *remembering* how my out of control impulses made me feel. I kept bank statements with me, highlighted the casino withdrawals, kept hundreds of dollars of losing scratch tickets in my purse, as a constant reminder of how much money I had thrown away. I read and re-read my old journal entries, and journals and posts of others who were still in the pain of the throes of this addiction. I'm ridiculously drawn to analogies, and I pictured myself getting into a car with no brakes, thinking I could stop it from careening down a hill with only my determination. I envisioned a rabid monkey on my shoulder, chattering and chattering in my ear, and listening to it instead of casting it off. Once I regained control of my *behaviors*, not making that trip to the casino, then the fog began to rise and I saw things so much more clearly.
I know I've written about this before, but a family friend was recently diagnosed with ALS (aka Lou Gehrig's disease), and the progression of his disease is a not-so-slow deterioration of his body resulting in certain death. There is no cure. When I heard about this, all I could think was if he were given a cure as simple as never going to a casino again, would he do it? Would he agree to stay away from slot machines in order to save his life and see his young children grow up? The answer is a no-brainer.
This is a treatable addiction. Resisting urges is the treatment. Find other things to become passionate about. Search for the reasons you feel you need to fill a void with gambling or material possessions. Obviously, that void isn't being filled with those things, they haven't made you happy, what *can* fill it? What caused it in the first place? What *should* you be looking for?
It's out there, you just need to slow down enough to make your mind still and quiet so you can listen to yourself. *You* have the answers, you just don't know how to hear them!
Sorry this was so long.....

from my experience and from what i have learned from others, us cg are like garbage cans. sounds horrible let me explain: pain, throw it away, disgust, throw it away, anger throw it away, trash can is full, cram it down, resentment, throw it away. we dont cope to well with our feelings so we think we can just avoid them and although some of our feelings can not be avoided some can. i used to do everything i could to prove i was a good wife. i worked full time, come home take care of the kids and clean the house. at the time my husband could not work because he wasnt legal in this country, but he didnt do house or discipline either. why, because i was running around acting like super woman. i never asked him to help, i would just do it then resent him for it. why, because of pride and the fact that i didnt believe in myself so i tried proving myself to him. the point is i was unhappy and used gambling to escape myself and my problems. i have been sober a little over a year now, due to the fact that i have been taking out the thrash and making changes within myself. i have been learning and growing as a person. im you just taking better care of myself now. when we dont take care of ourselves things like pride, envy, anger and many other bad traits creep in. you mention fear, that was a biggie for me, i was so afraid of things that i wouldnt say what i felt or do things that needed to be done. ga has given me an outlet to empty my trash as well as learn things and have support from new friends. it takes time and i still have to stay on top of it but i really dont have urges anymore and am a much happier person. my only suggestion to you is keep coming back here, find a support group or counseling near you, and take better care of you. i hope some of this has helped. god bless