Guilt is the feeling we have when we know we have behaved wrongly, especially in a way that hurts others and/or ourselves. Shame is the feeling we have when we feel less than human, beyond redemption, "lower than worms". Shame is toxic, it is like a hidden monster in the closet that pops out when we least expect it, sabotaging all we have done. Shame results in inner thoughts that strike at the core of our very existence. Shame is left-over critical voices that tell us we are bad or worthless people. Shame is soul-consuming and it is mainly made in our own minds, hearts and souls. Overcoming my shame has been the last and most important battle in my recovery. My own shame had me feeling that I did not deserve a better life, that I should be punished forever, and I was doing that to myself with gambling, as well as addictions I had overcome in the past.
The journey through shame required me to turn those inner thoughts outward and examine them as part of what were old messages originating from abusive parents and spouses that I had embedded in my own psyche. I realize that some of my anxiety comes from my own self-inflicted shame. I had to recognize shame when I felt it and make a conscious decision to turn those negative, self-defeating thoughts into positive affirmations. I am more than the sum total of my bad behavior, I am a person worthy of love and worthy of life, with valuable experience that can help others. Today, I have the courage to treat myself with kindness and let old wounds heal.
There is great power, comfort and freedom in love and kindness toward ourselves. Honestly, self-love, makes the need for others to love us and see us much less immediate. As I treat myself well, I have regained some trust from my inner child, that I will continue to take care of her.
Have a great thoughtful, reality filled, gamble-free day everyone, keep up the good fight!