I want to change, not just quit gambling. I want to heal those parts of my life that either threw me into gambling or kept me there for so long. For me, one thing I know is that I never learned to communicate my feelings because they were seldom valued or even recognized. I've never been accused of not shutting up.

I believe that holding everything in and being "so strong" all of the time finally caught up with me and I found an escape from it all in front of a machine. I've been trying to learn to speak my truths. It's like rebirthing myself - a sort of growing up again. This is something I wrote about it.

Grow Up

grow up
find courage
communicate
speak truth in love
give words to your feelings
give them to those you love
and dont love

and

stop shutting up
and walking around in fear
it strangles your voice
and without a voice you become something less than
not equal to

just speak up
stand up
fight for what you believe in
grow a pair
and stop shutting up
and shutting down
its a dead end path
destination heartbreak

say it
just fucking say it already
whats the worst that could happen?
I dont know
but I do know that you will find that people care
or they dont
and there youll have it

dont say it
and your feelings are left to be described
by those that dont have a clue
or only a guess
why would you let them tell you
how you feel
or should feel
or dont feel

get mad
real mad
lose your temper if thats what it takes
and let it give you the courage
to find those words
and speak that truth
because you know

those that mind your truth dont matter

be sad and say it
cry if you want
or yell
do something
stop shutting up
and being polite
and believing in how kind you are
when you hide the truth

because you know what
no matter how hard that truth might be
there is kindness in it
because the not saying
and not knowing
will eat your soul
piece by piece

peace by peace