So, in recovery, I still dream about my gambling experiences.  I see myself, walking aimlessly in the casino, making the excuse, that I wanted to wait for the sun to come up before I drove home.   I would go to play cards for just a few hours, and it would turn into 3 days straight, by the time I was leaving, I was a mess.  My phone had been blowing up with family members worried, or sending terrible messages to me about what a terrible person I was or my phone would be dead since I hadn't charged it for three days.  I hadn't eaten anything for three days, I powered down at least 10+ redbulls, I hadn't showered, I was wearing the same clothes I had originally come in wearing, thinking I was only going to stay for a few hours and I was sleep deprived.  Once the tables closed that I would play for hours, I would move onto other table games I didn't typically play, I would even sit at a slot machine, just to pass the time before my "regular"  games would open up.  I would go back to the regular game I played, once they reopened the table, and in would come the same dealers, the days prior, or the same players who had gone to bed in the holel and then come back down to play and they would always comment "did you even go home?"  I would sometimes lie, and say I had, but you could tell just by looking at my sorry face, that wasn't true.  I would have red eyes, and clearly hadn't slept for days, kind of hard to lie about that, when it was obvious, I had been there for days.

The most incredible thing for me in thinking and remember those moments, those days is,,,, how the hell did my body keep going, for 2 nights and three days, no sleep, no food, no shower, smoking like crazy?  I'm 56 years old, this addiction started 15 years ago, and during the start of my addiction, I would go, maybe stay the night, and go home, as it progressed, the time I was there got longer, and honestly, I didn't even know how long I had stayed, until I finally left.  When I would get home from my "adventures in gambling" I would immediately take off my nasty clothes, check my bank account to see how bad it was, and it was always bad,,, or if I had brought money home, I would take my clothes off, check my account, get in my car and drive to the bank after not sleeping for days to deposit the cash in my wallet.  If I was broke, I would go on line and find a loan to take out to cover my loss, and then have to pay it back at 130% interest.  I probably took out three loans, that I had to pay back.    Then when I finished what I needed to take care of, like pay attention to my dogs, clean up the house, etc., I would lay down.  When I went to lay down, I would not fall asleep, I would close my eyes, and I would crash. I would get physically sick, running to the bathroom and physically get sick, of course nothing was in my system, so my body was shutting down.  When I finally fell asleep, and woke up hours later, my eyes would open, I would lay there, with my dogs around me, and think, OH MY GOD, what did I do?  I knew what I did. 

I would promise myself, others, that I would work my program, I would work on my recovery, I would go to meetings, I would never do this again.... and of course the cycle would continue. 

I went so far as to do lifetime bans from all the casinos in my area, I walked in, did the lifetime ban, and thought that was it. Unfortunately, Harrahs, kept sending me my points flyers, and I came to find out, they hadnt done the ban right, so I went back in, I didn't use my players card, and was able to gamble, no questions asked.  Of course, they only care about taking our money, they don't care if I did a lifetime ban.  The last time I had gone there, I actually won the jackpot at a table, but since I hadn't used a players card, in fear they would catch me in the casino, I didn't win the jackpot.  Funny how that happens.

The last time I went, and I came home. I sent all the corporate offices / people an emails, attached a photo of myself and told them I had done a lifetime ban. To please pass my photo onto all of the managers, all of the dealers and if they saw me again, to call security. 

The last time I went, I was asleep, when I heard a knock at my bedroom door. It was my family, all came to see me, I own my home, they don't live with me.  They called me downstairs, they had been worried about me, apparently my daughter had come over to see me, after my last binge, and she walked in and thought I was dead.  I was unresponsive to her when she tried to wake me.  My family looked at me, and hugged me and told me they would never not love me, but they would need to let me go, because the pain they were suffering as they worried about me, emotionally, phyiscally and financially was too much. They pointed to my home, I worked so hard to get, and told me, I was going to lose, everything.  They were loving, they were kind, they were firm.

That night, something FINALLY clicked.  Something finally clicked.  Am I the perfect poster child for GA? No, I'm not. Do I get to a lot of meetings, not really, but I try to as much as possible.  Do I work the steps, yes, I do.  My recovery is the single most important thing to me, everything else is secondary. 

Excluding God.  God, this addiction...

xoxoxoxox