Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
I need advice about dealing with a loved one who gambles. My girlfriend and I are close to being engaged. We were even saving up money for a wedding, but she borrowed my wedding fund and has not paid it back yet. (Only $300, and only 5 weeks, but it's off to a bad start) Each week she talks about being able to save for a wedding, but usually it ends with her borrowing from her family. She borrowed from me to pay them back. She makes good money, but she always thinks her problem will be solved if only she can make more money. She used to make more money, but it was never enough then either. She is in foreclosure, bankruptcy and has old ripped up furniture and bald tires on her car.
I go to AA, but I can't convince her about 12 step recovery. I went to a couple of open GA meetings with her, then she went one more week and dropped out. She says it does not really help and that she can't get anything out of it. She says she just wants them to tell her what works and not read out loud about the steps from a book.
She never seems to worry about money, it will all work out magically and there will be money for a wedding. She looks through magazine pictures oohing and aahing about the most expensive wedding things. I look realistically at how she cannot save and talk about a pot luck reception, but she won't hear of it. She seems lost in a dream world as if a big win were certain at any moment.
She always promises to pay people back for the money she borrowed and claims to no longer gamble, but she also can't buy tires or keep her cell phone, internet or cable tv turned on. They remove bankruptcy payments from her check, and she is letting her house go back to the bank, though at one time, she was going to make payments for it and keep it. Even with the house payments out of the picture, there is still not enough money to get to the next paycheck. She makes plenty of money, about 60 K a year, Scary.........
I go to AA, but I can't convince her about 12 step recovery. I went to a couple of open GA meetings with her, then she went one more week and dropped out. She says it does not really help and that she can't get anything out of it. She says she just wants them to tell her what works and not read out loud about the steps from a book.
She never seems to worry about money, it will all work out magically and there will be money for a wedding. She looks through magazine pictures oohing and aahing about the most expensive wedding things. I look realistically at how she cannot save and talk about a pot luck reception, but she won't hear of it. She seems lost in a dream world as if a big win were certain at any moment.
She always promises to pay people back for the money she borrowed and claims to no longer gamble, but she also can't buy tires or keep her cell phone, internet or cable tv turned on. They remove bankruptcy payments from her check, and she is letting her house go back to the bank, though at one time, she was going to make payments for it and keep it. Even with the house payments out of the picture, there is still not enough money to get to the next paycheck. She makes plenty of money, about 60 K a year, Scary.........
In my humble opinion, and I hate to make a judgement w/o truly knowing her, I would say there are enough red flags here to be extra cautious.
At the very least, money issues are one of the major problems in a marriage and it seems as if you are at different ends of the spectrum when it comes to your values about saving, goal setting, etc.
You're in AA so you know "it takes what it takes" to finally get out of denial and admit you have a problem...seems like the big question here is whether you're willing to accompany her on her journey to acceptance?
I wish you the best.
Paula
I do want her to start her journey, and i want to be there for her. I just think she is not ready for it yet. I can't marry her knowing that she will want to spend all we make and borrow money from all of our relatives when we really need to live within our means and not borrow money we can't pay back.
We have not had the big talk about how i can't propose until she gets some sobriety over money and gambling, but we will have to soon.
I wish you the best.
It sounds like you struggle with whether or not she just has a blatant disregard for money or whether she is an addict. Both of those things are going to be tough to deal with in a marriage. Perhaps you'll get some answers if you do have that conversation with her.
I think that real change has to come from within. You can't make her want to change. You can just be honest, make some boundaries and take really good care of yourself.
I can't brag about my finances. I've been a starving college student most of my life and now that I have a career, I make more money than I ever thought I would, still far less than she does. It saddens me that for me, my income makes me happy, for her more income is never enough. We really have to postpone any idea of getting married next year and get on the same page about money and gambling. I'd like to see over 1/2 a year of sobriety before proposing. Still, even for highly motivated people, beating gambling addiction can be very difficult. Some say harder than drugs or alcohol.
I would advise you, go regularly to gam-anon meetings and create a support group for yourself as well.
Good Luck!
Thanks everyone who has shared the valuable advice. I'm glad to have it. It helps hearing from others who are farther along in recovery than my girlfriend. She is still at the contemplation stage and often thinks that it will end different for her.
We talk about wedding planning, and I always bring the subject back to first things first. We need to save money and then when we have enough, we can make a budget about what to buy. For her, there is always a different first step. It is always shop first so we know how much we need to save up. My thinking is that there is no need to shop first, weddings are expensive and we need to save as much as possible before we shop for things.
She seems to think that having a strong desire to have something means that it will be fulfilled. Like there is a "god of luck" that places these desires in her heart and will then fulfill them. I've heard her say as much. It almost seems to frustrate her when I talk about saving up first, like this is the wrong way and we are doomed to failure. Credit is not an option, no one would lend us money, and she would not be able to make the payments and would not set aside money for the payments. Often she is behind on her bills and lost her house by gambling the mortgage payments away. We are capable of saving up several thousand and having a nice (though not dream) wedding at a local church. To her this seems like not an option. Why save for something average ( but real) when we could win and have something big (but will never happen). She claims not to use other people's money to gamble, just to pay bills that she could have paid if she did not gamble her bill money away. She does not see how it is the same thing.
I realize this post was back in December but I just wanted to check in and see what your current situation is. I really wanted to offer a firm support for you and your girlfriend. Did the wedding ever take place? Wondering how things are, it's obviously really hard to get somebody who either doesn't think they have a problem or is not willing to look at the right solutions to really get going into their recovery, but I wish you all the best. Here to support and would love an update on your situation if you're still checking the forum.
All the best,
Sean
Hard to imagine that gambling affects so few people and their families. The casino parking lots are always so full! By contrast, AA is well attended and supported throughout the metro area. Dozens of clubhouses with meetings throughout the day.
My girlfriend does go to meetings 2x a week now and talks about getting her one month chip. I'm supportive for her, but she is very early on in her recovery. i remember being only a few months sober and it felt like I was just between drinks and not fully free of addiction. She still wants to get married and not having sobriety or money does not seem to be the issue. She is eager to borrow money from her parents and spend it to get married. I think it is the gambling taking control and making the arrangements. It seems that way because their is never a need to take money away from gambling to pay a mortgage, phone bill, or to save for a wedding. If we were young and poor, but without addictions, that would be one thing - but we are middle aged and we can afford to pay for our own. The idea of asking her parents (whom she already owes several thousand dollars and are in their 70s and on a fixed income) to fork over the dough is not something i would want to do! I cannot imagine being this old and entering into a son in law relationship owing money to in laws that i know my future wife would never pay back. In our situation it is very important that we have the experience of saving and spending together. Marriage is full of saving for vacations, new cars and retirement. I've talked with the spouses whose partner gambles. They paid all the bills and went on vacations alone. The spouses who gambled always promised that they would contribute and go to - but in the end, gambling would not let them.
Someone above mentioned that gambling is like a mistress in the relationship - I would have to disagree. Gambling comes first and the spouse is treated like a mistress and gets what is left over (if there is anything!) I wait and we will see. I am not proposing till I see a long and lasting recovery that includes making amends to all those she has borrowed from. Maybe not in full, but regular payments of a reasonable amount.
It takes a while, but even though things seem worse, I see (from what I read in your last post) it is going a good route.
Good luck in everything!
Vicky
You are right and thanks for your support. We still talk about marriage, but it is a long way off because of the gambling. Most recently my girlfriend has explained that when we are married that gambling will not be an issue since she will not go to the casino in the middle of the night because I will be there. Apparently she does not have a real addiction, she gambles because she is lonely and has nothing better to do. This way she does not need to stop gambling before we get engaged, she can continue to gamble up to the wedding date and then magically stop! I'm actually holding out for a year of sobriety from gambling before I consider proposing - then if there is relapse during the engagement, we post pone the wedding indefinitely. We are on very different pages, but we are in couples counseling, so that is a good thing! It creates a safe -place to share our expectations about married life and addiction and debt. To me it does not matter what the addiction is, I'm a recovering alcoholic and can't be around people who manage their lives with compulsive behaviors.I will end up relapsing and drinking again. Much to talk about in our few remaining sessions! pray for us.....