I don't think you are an imposter. I believe you truly want to quit as much as any of us do. You just haven't figured out what is going to work for you. Whatever you are doing to get and stay gf isn't working. Keep trying something different until it works.

I believe that if I had quick access to money I'd be gambling often. When I get that voice telling me "just go" "you'll probably win this time" "you deserve it" "one more time isn't going to hurt" (etc) I really really want to go. I've set it up where in order to go, I have to drive to a bank 30 minutes away from my house and cash a check. It's only open until 6 so that means I have about a 30 minute window after I get off of work to get in the car and drive there. This means that I only have to really struggle for 30 minutes. After 5:30 there is no way I can get money. It's worked for me.

I know you can find something that works for you Alex. Just keep trying and forgive yourself for not figuring it out yet. xoxo

Hi alex. just by still posting i can see that you do still want to quit, just havnt figured out what will work best. we are not judgemental here so feel free to post even if you stumble. we have all been there. i too have cycled thru every table game in casino, slot machines, keno, sportsbetting, scratch offs, was even about to try the stock market. I just finally had enough. I have had to drive into my thick head that i will never win at gambling. i have lost at everything..yet the though of gambling still crosses my mind. Dont think i will ever be certain that i wont evergamble again. Im sure you can find a way to reslove this issue..just hang in there. Best wishes to you Johnny

Hey Alex,
No need to apologize, that's what we are all here for- support and advice. Also, don't feel like an imposter- we all have had slips or total relapses- try and take this as a slip- moments of weakness that you can learn from- as those before me so rightly put it, you just haven't gotten the correct formula yet. Since you seem to have told some family and friends that you quit or were trying to quit- reach out to those who have been most supportive- maybe have one of them handle your money for at least the time being if not set up something more long term that you'd both be comfortable with. I wouldn't worry about disappointing them, especially if they know you and what you're going through. I've been so surprised how many people are very supportive of our common problem- you just need to be open and honest- with them and yourself.
Hang tight!
Jay

Hi Alex,

If you are being truly honest with yourself, what you REALLY want is to be able to gamble and not have it hurt. Unfortunately, what you want is impossible. You just haven't gotten to the point where you have really accepted that yet. I never "wanted" to quit. I just got to the point where I HAD to quit. The financial despair was what drove me to quitting. I'd lost thousands of dollars that I couldn't afford to lose, was in danger of losing my home, my family, everything.
It wasn't until a few weeks later that I came to the full realization that money was the least of what I'd lost. I'd lost so much more in distancing myself from those I loved, the stress, anxiety, shame and guilt that had closed me off. The lies I told. Being hostage to compulsions. Those were the real losses.
Maybe you haven't hit the proverbial rock bottom yet. And I hope you never do. But just the fact that you keep coming here shows that you are creeping closer and closer to the point where you will make the choice to live a life free of that rabid monkey on your shoulder.
So you're not an imposter. You are a seeker, and deep down you know that what you want (i.e. to be a compulsive gambler without consequences) is not possible. Keep seeking us out, Alex. And when you're ready, so are we!

"We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing."

Really the only way is if it is possible for you to get away is to go to the mountains away from the temptation, every week end if necessary. Bush walking in the fresh air will clear your head and let you get back to the basics in life that is good physical health which leads to good mental mental health. Remember gambling addiction is not something to take personally for there are physiological responses that form part of the addiction. Take a holistic approach to improve your perception of who you are.

thanks for all the great replies everyone, it feels so much better just to get it off my chest!

I know what you mean about setting up barriers 2live, one of the issues I struggle with is just that, access to money and easy ways to gamble, bc I work part time at a restaurant where I get cash tips so even though I combined bank accounts with my wife so she could monitor my spending, she only sees what I put in.... and also I have my own credit card. the restaurant is also just 15 min from a casino so if I finish early it has been very tempting. but those are all just excuses, I know I can do it regardless of the temptation, I must be able to, I have to!

resolved, I think you hit the nail on the head, I want to think I can have the best of both worlds, to gamble and to enjoy it (which means winning) and gambling just doesn't = winning, ever. Every bet I have ever made was a sure loss, because wins just turn into more losses. I just have to think logically and not let my monster control me. - and yes, I have hit rock bottom, several times, the problem is every time I hit rock bottom, things get better, I go on and I live and things become ok again which allows me to think everything is ok! I just can't keep putting my wife and my parents through this though, I am better than that and they deserve better!

Thanks again for all the love and support!

I know how you feel about being an imposter. For me that always feels like a problem. Everyone thinks I am fine and yet I am falling apart. Keep trying and keep coming back to talk with all of us on this site. It really helps. My advice to myself goes to you too, come back to this site when you are doing well to remind yourself of how easy it is to mess up again. That is when I forget . Good luck and peace to you.

Alex, My friend, I read something a few weeks ago "Failure is not falling down, failure is refusing to get back up". Well, here you are, and I so know what you mean by imposter. Do you know the song The Great Pretender? Here are some of the lyrics -
Oh-oh, yes I'm the great pretender
Pretending that I'm doing well
My need is such I pretend too much
I'm lonely but no one can tell

Oh-oh, yes I'm the great pretender
Adrift in a world of my own
I've played the game but to my real shame
You've left me to grieve all alone

Too real is this feeling of make-believe
Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal -
So, Yes, I know how you feel. I just know how much you want it, Alex. The other part of your post that hit home with me was "Am I just stupid? Am I self destructive, wishing to destroy my own life through something petty rather than choosing to make decisions and choosing the life I want?"
I have looked at myself the same way all my life, until I got into a 12 step program and I was free to admit it. Yes. I am defective. But, what to do about it. Just keep doing the same shit, different day. NO. How empowering to realize that I am powerless. That may sound contradictory, but it is so true. To finally surrender and say -this is bigger than me. I can't beat it on my own. We are so lucky to have the wonderful resources we do. I have utilized DS every day for years now. The thing is, it took what it took. All those sad yesterdays. But, I know this. Today I don't have to gamble. Please, we are all pulling for you. And everybody that comes back after succumbing to their long-time lover. We will always be here. Love to all ~atticus

Alex, you are not an imposter, you are a gambling addict just like the majority of us on here. I don't know if you admit to yourself or not that you are a gambling addict because you said "money is the disease". I too have self-loathed, thought I was a total unintelligent loser because I knew I had to quit and wondered why I couldn't....but here's the thing...you CAN quit. You CAN be successful at abstaining from gambling for good, but you have to BELIEVE in yourself. Don't say "you know it won't last that you will relapse again"....you need to focus on the positive and I'll tell you why. When I have repeatedly gambled and lost big over and over again I went through the self-loathing and self-hatred and totally beat myself up over it...and then I finally realized after repeating the cycle enough times that the negativity doesn't help, it actually feeds the addiction. Maybe not right away that night you lost, but the very next day I would be back chasing my losses at the casino. And as Mark Twain said about smoking "quitting is easy, I've done it a thousand times"...the same thing applies to any addiction. Quitting--picking a date and saying "I quit" is the easy part. It's the process that's hard -- finding ways to STAY quit. Quitting is a process, not an event. I dunno, maybe if you're a tough guy think of your gambling addiction as a real person....look 'em square in the eye and size him up...who's gonna win? him or you? When he starts talking smack (one more time won't hurt, you got out from work early at the restaurant no one is gonna know, you're gonna win this time, I feel good/lucky) ...punch him once in the face...tell him it's your f'n choice and you don't want to gamble and lose your hard earned money. Tell him you are a real man that decides his own future and gambling isn't a part of your future. Whatever works, do it. YOU ONLY LOSE IF YOU STOP TRYING!!! Don't give up on yourself....kick some a**!!! Also, it has been my personal experience that I cannot gamble at anything because it sucks me right back in. No bingo, no scratch tickets, no sports betting...a $5 scratch off might seem innocent enough but it sucks me right back into the addiction, and for me that's losing up to $1,100 per casino visit. The choice is yours---each and every time.