Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
I'm not sure where to start...I've been with my husband for almost 7 years and didn't really know how bad his addiction was until we moved to Las Vegas. In the beginning, he was able to hide it well and it didn't seem like it was that big of a deal. It escalated to weekly binges, disappearing for hours on end and always coming back filled with guilt. He turns to his parents who continuously bail him out. It doesn't help that both of his parents are gamblers. He tried going to GA a couple of times, but uses his job as an excuse of why he's not comfortable with that. He tried a therapist once, but stated that he didn't like him so he stopped. At times, he believes that he can just stop on his own, but may have relapses. He has given up financial control over to me, but i still allow him to manipulate me into giving him money.
After the most recent episode, he (again) swore he would stop and began seeing a new therapist. He said that she has been helpful and one strategy is not to quit cold turkey, but to decrease over time, i.e. only spend half of what he spent the last time. Doesn't seem to me like that would be effective, but what do i know. So, today he had been pushing me over and over and i gave in (like a fool). I set expectations in hopes that he would agree- knowing where he is, a time that he needs to be home, setting a limit, etc. and here i sit not knowing any of it.
In the past, i would say that I'm leaving but then the tears flowed, and it would get the better of me. I don't have the luxury of leaving anymore. We recently obtained custody of his two kids, the younger one with autism, because their mother couldn't take care of them. If i leave, I have no rights to the boys and they are the ones that would suffer. I don't know what to do anymore and i am so hopeless right now. I feel like crap all of the time, and only hold it together so the boys have some stability. I want to believe that he wants to change, and he says it often, but just isn't showing it in his behavior. I don't know what to do anymore.
For the most part, our good times outweigh the bad and i don't want to give up, but these down swings are getting lower and lower for me. I know i should see a therapist to help me cope, but time for myself is hard to find working full-time, and having a special needs kid.
Having a place this to vent has been helpful and reading the stories that others are going through makes me feel not quite so alone...
After the most recent episode, he (again) swore he would stop and began seeing a new therapist. He said that she has been helpful and one strategy is not to quit cold turkey, but to decrease over time, i.e. only spend half of what he spent the last time. Doesn't seem to me like that would be effective, but what do i know. So, today he had been pushing me over and over and i gave in (like a fool). I set expectations in hopes that he would agree- knowing where he is, a time that he needs to be home, setting a limit, etc. and here i sit not knowing any of it.
In the past, i would say that I'm leaving but then the tears flowed, and it would get the better of me. I don't have the luxury of leaving anymore. We recently obtained custody of his two kids, the younger one with autism, because their mother couldn't take care of them. If i leave, I have no rights to the boys and they are the ones that would suffer. I don't know what to do anymore and i am so hopeless right now. I feel like crap all of the time, and only hold it together so the boys have some stability. I want to believe that he wants to change, and he says it often, but just isn't showing it in his behavior. I don't know what to do anymore.
For the most part, our good times outweigh the bad and i don't want to give up, but these down swings are getting lower and lower for me. I know i should see a therapist to help me cope, but time for myself is hard to find working full-time, and having a special needs kid.
Having a place this to vent has been helpful and reading the stories that others are going through makes me feel not quite so alone...
I would say that you really do need to seek out therapy and Gamanon for yourself to help yourself, protect yourself and help with the children.
In so far as where your husband's at, I must say that I went through these fits of stopping and re-starting for about a year or year and a half before finally seeing the light, so I would see a small silver lining in that it at least appears he knows he's in too deep and will have to make a change, the problem is that everyone has their own timeline and mental line in the sand to cause them to really make that change.
Hang in there and take care of yourself,
Jay
But sharing like yours makes me wanna never gamble again, seing how such an ass I was and am to my family, people who trust me and love me.
I want to thank you!
Take care of yourself and stay strong.
Vicky
because this site does offer a lot of understanding
and compassion.
When you are talking about children and their needs I tend
to think you should get professional advise.
But also I do not ever remember a counselor telling me to
"taper" off on the gambling, quite the contrary.....
We gamblers do spin a web of lies to keep the gambling going.
The GamAnon would help and they offer excellent advise as far
as finances and family etc and have the resources you may need.
Please do not wait as everyone is already being affected by his
behavior and it will only get worse.
Also, welcome, please keep coming back and letting us know how you are doing and we always like the questions and concerns as we learn from you as well.
My prayers are with you and the children to keep safe and you need to take care of yourself; you have a heavy cross right now.
Compulsive gamblers mean well, when they are trying to quit, but quite often we underestimate the severity and the magnitude of the addiction. It sounds like your husband is trying to control his gambling, if he said a counselor told him to try and cut back slowly. Either that, or the counselor knows nothing about addiction!
Please do seek out therapy for yourself and Ga-monon as has been suggested. I would also suggest Al-Anon. You need to set your boundaries and stay by them. When your husband isn't gambling, tell him what is acceptable to you and what isn't and stick by it. Don't let him talk you into giving him more money. Let him know the consequences and stick to it! I know I told my husband countless times that I was sorry and wouldn't do it again, only to repeat the process. Luckily at this point he is still with me, but that will change if I don't stop. I know that now.
You must be strong for yourself and the children, they are counting on you. You will get strength from going to meetings and talking to people that are going through what you are going through. Tell your husband he has to watch the kids so that you can go to your meeting or therapy - they are his kids, so he should be capable of doing that. YOU need to take care of yourself, so you can find relief!
Please do keep coming back and letting us know how you are doing. Again, I will say prayers for your family and I am so sorry you are going through this and that your husband has not gotten totally honest with his addictions yet!
I have considered leaving so many times in the past, but now that we have my step kids with us, it's not as easy. I'm so afraid that they are going to be the ones to suffer- I have covered for their dad so many times, so far, they haven't been affected too much.
Everyone's advice has is so greatly welcomed as well as your thoughts and prayers. I think right now, I am in such a bad emotional place and hopeless- I need to get it together and start doing something. Thank you again.
please know that you can call the National Gambling Hotline
and tell them your story, completely anonymous of course
and ask them for advice.
They can tell you of programs etc to go to and
where to get help for most anything.
You are still a victim of gambling
and that is what they are there for.
please call...............1-800-522-4700
they have schedules of Gananon and counselors and assistance of all kinds to direct you to.
Only you know what is best for you and your family, but sometimes when you are lost in the chaos.. it's hard to know what is the right thing to do.. and the more time you have invested in a relationship.. the more excuses you may have for the person that you love and why they are doing what they are doing...
let me share how my addiction started...4 years ago my husband was introduced by his brother to on-line poker..and for one year.. he played poker from the time he got home 4-5 in the evening until 2-3 in the morning.. some days he did not sleep at all and would play poker unitl it was time to go to work. He did this everyday.. even during a family vacation. The fortunate and unfortunate part was this was all free so he never ran out of money and did not stop.. At first I was angry and thought I could not do this and we fought a lot... but then I got tired of fighting.. I got depressed.. I told my family about it and they told me he was a nice guy and that this would pass and things could be worst.. he could be having an affair or be unemployed.. I told his family and they blamed me for being a bad wife.. I ignored my pain and unhappiness and dealt with it alone.. felt into this deep depression and the pain was so great.. when we started gambling with his brother and his wife... it felt great cause we were together...it was our joint escape and now that he has stopped gambling.. I can't..I still want to escape.. I don't want to face reality cause it hurts to much....
My point is.. you have to care for yourself and this can be hard when you are busy caring for others.. find a support group, find someone who can help you figure things out. I think it was Maria Schriver or someone famous who said this in an interview once and it hit me so profoundly when I heard it.. "sometimes the only person worth saving is yourself."
It's hard to change someone until they are ready to change.
Take care of yourself and get the support that you need so that you can figure out what is best for you and your family!
Thank you sharing your story. I am truly hopeful that my husband can beat this...so many of you have given me so much hope.
One thing (and there are lots) is that I wish my husband truly understood how this affects me- not the kids, not the finances, not his parents but me. I understand that that is very selfish of me, but as much as he is going through in trying to overcome this, everyday I wake up wondering if it's going to happen again. I feel like I'm beginning to sound like a broken record and I truly am trying to find a therapist to help me, but this site has truly been a blessing for me.
I don't believe that you are a selfish person whatsoever,
you are very concerned for your husband but you must
be and are afraid for your family.
You have been reading and you can see on this site
just what a toll this can take on someones family.
You may want to also protect yourself financially as this
can get much worse.
A very good idea,
to "save yourself" and to seek counseling and I believe there
is another group on this site for partners of addicts.
the very best to you,
keep coming and reading and asking
we are all here to help one another
from one addict to an addicts wife....
this disease and illness will and can cause
me to lie, cheat, steal, coerce, and devestate anyone in my
path when I am in the throws of gambling compulsively.
Your story aches my heart. I can feel the love you have for your husband. It aches my heart because it made me think what my husband had gone through over two decades of dealing with my compulsive gambling.....
If he is not ready, please make sure your fianance is secure regardless of his behavior or his reactions. He will thank you when the time comes.
stay strong and thank you for sharing.
Love,
Victoria
Actually in the throws of another of his binges. He was able to get into my bank account and took out several hundreds of dollars. He had been harassing me all day about giving him money and I was strong for a while until he came home and was being mean. To keep him away from the kids, I finally gave him money and told him to leave. I packed the kids up and we left for the night. Now that he's figured it out, he keeps sending me nasty texts. I know the drinking isn't helping, but I think I've hit rock bottom.
I do love him, but tonight I came to the realization that the only reason I'm staying at this point is for the kids. If I leave him, I lose them- step parents have zero rights.
Other than him getting into my account, I have been able to keep myself financially safe.. Thank you for your kind words.
As harsh as it may sound, the time has come to let him off "the cliff" as my daughter told my husband long time ago. Now I wish that he was able to have done it.
Yes, it is for your well being and yes it is to save him.
love,
victoria