I know exactly how you are feeling. I am hoping that given some time to honor my convictions that I have caused this pain for the last time, I will begin to forgive myself as I see things improve in my life. This is one of the reasons, though, that I have put in front of my face, on my desk at my computer, the damage I have incurred in writing, so I never forget this feeling. So even when I begin to forgive myself, I will never be able to justify a step back to where it all began. I don't want to forget and find myself falling down again the same path. All the times I have relapsed is because I would push away the pain of the damage I have created by my actions. I am looking forward to replacing that pain someday with the good feelings of knowing I stopped the madness and life is better now.

Hi Praying - Forgive yourself in order to move forward with your life. Sure, you can have regrets but carrying a heavy cross around for the rest of your life isn't going to help anyone. Being healthy and happy is the BEST way you can help others. Prove you can make a "come back", live in the present moment. Check out Echart Tolle's books, "The Power of Now" and "A New Earth".

the worst part about feeling like a loser is you think everybody else thinks your a loser too[well thats what i thought]but i just soldiered on concentrating on giving up,using all my resources etc; self exclusion,hpnotherapy,councelling sheer bloody will power..i love that saying -time heals all wounds,,,,,so true.anyway after a year and 4 months of not gambling i don't feel like a loser anymore but i am always mindful that i am still an addicted gambler and i have to keep my guard up for ever.

Interesting that you brought this up. I was kind of thinking along these lines yesterday. I wonder if this is in some way our "comfort zone" and as much of a habit as any other. It is my own opinion but I know that for some reason I have an easier time thinking negatively about myself than using the affirmations that I know are so beneficial. Do I sometimes use self-sabotage as a way to keep myself down? I know that when I pray at night I thank God for all the wonderful things in my life, and these don't happen by themselves. I often think of that old saying "I know I'm somebody, cause God don't make no junk". I lie there and think :Be still and know you are a child of God. Mercury has pointed you toward The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I have found this to be helpful, just in the way of staving off worry and anxiety. When you live in the now, you don't borrow trouble. I believe that as addicts we tend to complicate even the simple things. Sorry for the rambling. I guess the thing I think of is that even the thief on the cross next to Jesus got redemption. As long as we are breathing we are a work in progress. Peace be upon you.

Great post. This is what goes thru my mind daily. I have a boss that has a young son who had a kidney transplant. He is headed to Chicago tomorrow to get a check on the progress. I have done some shady stuff most of my life. I'm a diabetic (which is basically a death sentence over a certain amount of years), but I have managed to dodge many life threatening illnesses.

Why did I deserve to be ok while this innocent little child suffered? And why must I continue to throw my life away with such a blessing of good health? Doesnt seem fair to me. Life is kinda confusing sometimes. I would trade places with that kid anyday.

I hope that my purpose is to suffer this shit and save lives one day. Be a motivator and a friend. Thats the only way I can see it. Cuz little kids suffering doesn't seem fair to me.....Ugh

well think when were caught up in the game were caught up in ourselves and nobody else matters but us. yup we can be thought of as scum of the earth and what part of it isnt true?

I'm sure everyone has their own tipping point, but I stopped feeling like a loser when I started to see the rebuilding of my life. When I stopped lying. When I stopped the hemorrhaging of our bank account. When I felt the ground under me go from shaky to firm. Do I still have regrets? Yes, most certainly. I always will. I regret the lost hours, the lost money, the lost sense of self, the lies, the betrayal of those I love who trusted me. But those regrets will find their place, just like the regrets I have of how cruelly I handled breaking up with my college boyfriend, or not being more sensitive to my daughter when she was going through a tough time, or not spending enough time with my grandparents before they passed away. All regrets, and many more, but they have found their place in my life's journey, and staked their claim, and have taught me to be a better friend, mother, wife and daughter. This gambling addiction, this temporary insanity, has taught me so much as well, so the regrets stay, along with the lessons learned from them.
And dewit2it, no-we are not the scum of the earth. If we were, we wouldn't be *here*. We wouldn't be laying out our hearts to strangers, hoping and praying that we can overcome this madness. We have all done scummy things, to be sure, but the desire to change and the action of coming here to *try* shows that we have guilt, and thus a conscience. So hold onto that, for a while it was *all* I had to hold onto, when the guilt and shame and sick became almost unmanageable. We are not scum of the earth. We are errant dreamers misled by our own brains. We go from cock-eyed optimists to desperate money jugglers and check floaters and payday loan customers in a matter of hours, or even minutes. We have an addiction that compels us to blow huge amounts of cash to get the highs of winning. Then, we have to lie and scam and wheedle and sometimes even steal to make it through financially to the next payday. But, we are HERE, and TRYING, and that makes us NOT scum.
And bbird, it's interesting that you bring up the poor little sick boy and the kidney transplant. The final straw for me for gambling came because a friend of mine was recently diagnosed with ALS (also known as Lou Gehrig's disease). It's an incurable, progressive disease, and he has a prognosis of 18 months to live. I kept hearing compulsive gambling being referred to as a disease, and all I could think was how my friend would feel if the doctor told him "OK, this is the deal. You stay away from the casino, and NEVER go again, stop buying scratch tickets, and you will be cured. You will live to see your children graduate high school and get married, and you will be a loving grandfather to your grandchildren. You will not have to use a respirator, you will be able to get out of bed in the morning and walk to the coffeepot, you will not be in constant pain, and you can play golf and tennis and look forward to a beautiful future. But, you CANNOT go into a casino."
How can I even think of allowing my "disease" to destroy me when the cure is so simple? When the cure is a choice?

mercury, love your post! Just got the "Power of Now"!

Shelly

Well sugar coat it like the flavor you like best. I'm just straight up

I have days where I am feeling pretty critical of myself...but then I also know I am more than just a statistic of failures. My life must have some purpose...maybe it is to help others with problems I can associate with myself.

We all have a caring heart...a desire to help others...and we try our best to share the lessons we have learned the hard way. Maybe God intended for us to help others who feel the way we do. We can turn our problems around by helping others and letting them know we understand this crazy thing called Compulsive gambling.

I know it's hard somedays but just take it a day at a time..."Just for today I will find purpose and joy in the life I have been given". Good or bad..we all have a story. Now it depends on what we do with it that matters the most. Share it to help others and we help ourselves right? God Bless. :-)

Thank you all for your stories and support. I am sorry for my ranting lately, I am just so consumed with this guilt. Maybe this is part of withdrawal?? I just wish I was this disgusted 15 years ago and curbed this awful habit. It just has really hit me lately how much life I have wasted. I am so sad and ashamed. This is just not who I am. I have done some horrible deceitful things to feed my habit. I am just utterly disgusted with myself. I have too much going for me to blow it. Please keep praying for me, as I will for all of you. I am feeling so low and ashamed. As my name on here shows, I really just want normalcy & peace!! :(

well bless your heart there girl. but i dont come to a site like this to be pampered. im a ass and i know it. yup be doing me better for calling me out for the ass i am

I guess so long as we continue going down this path of destruction, we will continue being losers, or scums. Even if we have good intentions going in, the result does not change. We still hurt people, we put our selves down, and we feel like losers. Ill be the first to say it, I am the biggest loser, moron, jackass, scumbag, person for stepping into the casino and putting my self down. The moral of the story, we can continue being losers, or take that damn tag off and become incredible.

Guilt and shame keep us sick! You have the internal medicine which is forgiveness, to heal yourself. You aren't ranting. That's what this forum is for. Ask God to forgive you, those who you've wronged and forgive yourself which is a process, not an event. Everytime those feelings/voices remind you of what you've done say, "I'm forgiven." If you say this long enough, eventually your feeling will line up and you'll feel better. You accept the truth that, "You are forgiven!" This disease is trying to kill you! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! I'm praying for you. God Bless

When I first came here I was just like you are now, I felt as if the lies and betrayals were so bad that I wasn't worthy of being forgiven. That if I did forgive myself it just showed how much more selfish I was, that I could destroy and just walk away having "seen the light". Recovery and rebuilding was what gave me the foundation to forgive myself. And then I started to think about the nature of the love I had betrayed. If my husband, or one of my children, or my parents had done what I did, would I be able to forgive them? And of course, the answer was yes. If they showed me that they had committed to change, and fought like hell to break the grips, *of course* I would forgive them! And I am *not* an exceptionally forgiving person,( never did understand those people who would forgive someone who murdered their child and go visit them in prison.)
It takes time, and recovery but you will get there!
The memory of what I was, what I did, confuses me now. GA helped, this site helped, individuals helped, books helped.
Stay the course, you ARE worth it.