Good point. In the beginning I wanted to win. As I dug myself deeper into the addiction I think I wanted to lose so that I would stop. I knew that if I won I would keep doing it and that wasn't what I wanted. A complicated issue.

Eventually, a compulsive gambler will win, especially if they gamble long enough, and spend enough, that machine will always hit a jackpot. A compulsive gambler, however, will never walk away with that money in hand because it isn't about the money. And, usually, the compulsive gambler runs out of money before hitting that jackpot.

Gambling compulsively has nothing to do with money. The money part is an illusion. Gambling is about the anesthetic effect, the escapism, the chasing the win only to lose it.

Loosing money while gambling and the associated anticipation of a "win" for the bailout gives me the illusion of success and acceptance and approval. I have been chosen! All the while knowing that is is all a charade.

I'm not sure if at the heart or root of my compulsive gambling is a desire to destroy myself but it is something I need to consider.

It isn't at all about the money.

I remember one time a recovering compulsive gambler telling me that he was trying to win $1000 at a slot machine to help him with his debt, then he laughed and said he had over $50,000 dollars in debt, what was $1000 going to do for him?

This is a very good thought for me to consider. Thank you.

For me it was not about money. But as mybestself said, it was about zoning out, escaping, the money was the vehicle that allowed me to stay for as long as it lasted.
I would only feel remorse or feel anything when the money and the dopamine began to wear off.

on some level, we need to use real money to get real money, otherwise we can just play the fake machines and not care about losing money for fun, for whatever reason/need it fills to be a victim over and over, i think deep rooted, we need to punish ourselves somehow

my opinion

In the early stages of my addiction it didn't really seem like an addiction. I was only going to the casino once or twice a week and only losing about 10% of my net income. So I didn't realize I had a problem because my addiction did not appear to be affecting my life.

It wasn't until I won money that it became a dangerous compulsion. I believed I would be able to repeat my success and this drove me visit the casino more frequently and risk much more than any reasonable person would.

But it didn't take long for the money to no longer matter. I didn't care about winning. I just wanted to keep playing. A slot addiction is different than drug or alcohol abuse. With a slot addiction you can achieve that rush dozens of times a minute. Every spin is a new event that provides that sense of anticipation that drives our brains to keep doing it over and over. The only role money played was it was required to continue the madness. Of course when you win there is a higher level of excitement than if you were playing an online game for imaginary money. But I wasn't trying to win money. I was trying to gain the more extreme rush a large win provides.

For me there was also an aspect of self punishment to it. I put myself in the role of being a victim repeatedly throughout my life (bad friends, bad relationships, bad employers) and habitually allowed myself to be taken advantage of. The casino fit my previous model perfectly. It allowed me a way to recreate this scenario day after day for years.