As I was reading your post, I just kept nodding my head in agreement. I'm one of the tons of people who've been in your situation, and I remember those feelings of shame, frustration, and remorse all too well. It's been a while now, but relapse nearly did me in, I fell further, harder, and faster in six months of relapse than I had in all my years of gambling before getting into recovery the first time. What is helping me now is writing it all down - the good, the bad, and the ugly, saying it out loud, and being willing to dig into the issues that drove me to addiction in the first place. I can only do it one day at a time and I cannot do it without help. I have a counselor and I attend a support group in addition to this forum. It's been strange during the pandemic as no one is meeting face to face right now, but it's still crucial for me to have that network. Glad you posted, and keep after it. You are worth it.

Thank you so much for the response. Thank you for being so open and honest about your own story and situation. I sincerely appreciate it. I had done one on one counseling in the past, and perhaps need to look at that again. I come from a long line of addictive personalities and have seen the destruction that gambling addictions and alcoholism can do; And I think that’s one of the things that frustrates me the most about not being able to stop. I want different things for my life yet I keep falling back into the cycle. So today I am choosing to pick myself up, dust myself off, forgive myself, and keep charging forward. I just have to remind myself of this on a daily basis.
Thank you again for the response. I hope you’re doing well today.

Hi!
I’m right there with you!
I could have written your post. I am a slot machine addict and I live in LV which makes it harder. I moved here several years ago and I already had a propensity for gambling so moving here was not the smartest decision.
I had fun for months until the reality kicked in. I was losing money, spending previous time in a negative environment and breathing in the awful smoke. I was putting myself into harms way on so many levels.
I decided to join a special gambling addiction program which required 4 days a week commitment. It was wonderful! I even had a small graduation and celebrated for being away from gambling for months and went through the program and worked on myself.
After a few months, I had slipped back into gambling.
During the quarantine, I
was happily surprised to see I was not Desirous of gambling.
I didn’t miss it, was saving money and when the casinos were about to open, my anxiety level increased significantly as I felt that I wanted to go to the casino and play for a few hours. It turned out I went back many times in one week. I felt ashamed and yet untethered. The addiction was getting a hold more fiercely than before. I have been seeing a therapist and discussing my setback.
She’s been very understanding and explained how as humans we tend to go back to places that feel familiar. We are all in a significant crisis in our life with so much not known about our health and financial future.
You would think we would stay away from a place that could make us physically sick with the virus and have our money be lost.
I am really working on myself and feeling like I have a better handle on being able to stay away from the casino. More than anything, my health concerns do scare me enough that I feel I will stay away.
I am here to connect with in the days and weeks ahead. Let’s try and stay in touch so we can support each other.
Sending my very best wishes for a healthy outcome!
Nan

I'm glad you're doing better. Your post is a good reminder that this addiction does not respect our will power or our rational thinking. It will try to snag us even though we know good and well that it's dangerous. That sneaky little voice will start whispering that we've done well so it's ok to go out again, or that we can control it now, etc. One thing that has helped me when I get those urges is to immediately sit down and write out a description of what would happen if I gave in. The details vary, but the general idea is consistent, starting with feeling anticipation and excitement as I walk in, experiencing the roller coaster of winning and losing while I'm playing, and it always, always, always ends with walking out broke, grimy, miserable, and full of shame and regret. Taking the time to write it out gives me a chance to breathe and break the momentum of the urge. It also helps snap me back to reality. I wish you strength for the journey! Today I will not gamble.

Hello LM!...I now exactly how you feel. I was in your situation and because of this insidious addiction 2 years ago I filed for bankruptcy... My life was completely out of control just working and gambling and then after losing thousands of dollars at the local casinos driving home angry and depressed...First thing that I did I proudly SELF-EXCLUDED myself from all the casinos in my area and that was a big relief...then second I attended a 6 months gambling addiction therapy sessions where I really was able to understand the deceitful power of gambling ..and third I surrended my life to God and started to pray more especially when I had the desire to gamble. Today I'm doing good and my life is completely transformed...no more gambling related and money stress.....SO MY FIRST ADVICE TO YOU IS...GO TO THE CASINOS AND TELL THEM THAT YOU WANT TO SELF-EXCLUDED YOURSELF AND THEN ATTEND GAMBLERS ANONYMOUS OR SOME PRIVATE GAMBLING ADDICTION THERAPY... I WISH YOU THE BEST❤

Hello , ditto, ditto, I excluded myself from all casino's also , the 3 months of non gambling, saving money,
I too have had counseling, The one thing that helps me also is what my counselor calls mind full ness,,, Agree when an urge comes around , take a moment to write down, advantages versus disadvantages, a love letter to yourself, you will see how loving yourself and wanting to improve your life will
win. This is the WIN,,, just one day at a time.

Thank you all for the responses and sharing your experience and advice. I greatly appreciate it. It’s definitely a time for self reflection. I say to myself multiple times throughout the day “ today I will not gamble “. I’ve also left myself sticky notes around the house with TIWNG as another reminder. I also added a background on my phone which says “ be strong. Stronger than yesterday.”. I know all of these are just small things but they help me to remember that I want to feel better more and then I want to gamble. I like the advice about writing down the advantages and disadvantage is when I’m feeling the urge as well
It just helps immensely to hear your stories and support, and just know that I’m not alone in this battle!
Today I will not gamble!

Wow! That could be me writing that post! I don't understand why I'm doing this to myself either. I was THRILLED when our casinos re-opened. Went on a week long binge...lost more than I care to admit. So guess what? My mortgage won't get paid, neither will my utilities. I want to think I'm smarter than this. But something just grabs me the minute I walk through those doors. I tell myself on the way, I will only lose so much. Even if I win, I give it all back. I won't leave until I'm broke and can no longer get money out of the ATM. I'm beyond hooked, and I feel hopeless. I KNOW I will do it again. I don't know how to stop. Maybe it is one day at a time? Maybe just saying "Today I will not gamle" is the start? Certainly worth a try. Thanks all for listening. Have a great day!

I think we all can relate to these posts.I sure know that I can. After many attempts to stay away it seemed much worse each time I "thought I could go gamble sensibly". The losses got greater each time. No matter what I won it all got put back at some point. Life was constantly up and down. Severe depression and anxiety almost every casino visit I made. I haven't gambled since 2-26-20. This is my longest break. I have to say I was feeling some anxiety this weekend knowing the casino was open again. But I did not go. Thinking about that now makes me so glad. I know that was the right thing to do. Again, just taking a day at a time. Thank you all for your posts and encouragement!!

Snowgirl52 - congrats! It’s great that you haven’t been since February. That must feel good!
It’s so nice to hear everyone’s stories and know that, not only am I not alone in this; but your experiences are EXACTLY mine. This is just a strong addiction that affects so many. The ups and downs, the anxiety, the anger, the shame, the depression. It’s nice to have this network of support for each other.
Take care of yourselves.
Today I will not gamble.

I too was a professional woman with a good income. I truly know that feeling of not feeling like I could NOT stop gambling. I hated the afterward as well, pounding my forehead, tearing my clothes and screaming "why, why, why am I so stupid". For me, treatment and an earnest whole hearted effort for abstinence, employing every tool I heard of and trying everything. To begin with I just had to stop. I had to attack this problem on every front and learn about my own triggers and justifications for gambling. In treatment and GA I learned to get back to the basics in life that make life worth living. I am retired now and living far better on a limited income than I did with four times as much income when I was still gambling. You can find out if your state provides any help for problem gamblers by calling the National Problem Gambling Help Line : 1-800-522-4700. I have a friend who is a recovering Compulsive Gambler and lives in Vegas as well. There are many GA meetings available there and abstinence can be obtained. Fight for recovery like you are fighting for your life ---because you are.