Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
I suspect I have a problem with gambling, but my mind keeps playing tricks with thoughts like, "no, if you really had a problem you wouldn't be thinking you have a problem....so you probably don't."
But here's the deal....for the past 6 years or so I have gambled more and more often, increasing the bets, and at times having so much trouble leaving that I'd be there either ALL night, into the morning hours, or staying for 8 hours at a time. I've gone for a month or two or maybe three at times with no gambling, thinking I surely must not have a problem, but then it will creep back in again. For about a year in there I also got into blackjack online gambling, using strategies to take advantage of the bonuses many online casinos give, and I did pretty well with that at times (some big gains) and I did give that up completely. I don't gamble online at all anymore.
The scary part of this to me is that six years ago I didn't make even a quarter of what I make now for a living, and so I have SO MUCH more money to gamble with now than ever before. This scares the shit out of me. Having money I wanted to invest turned into a wee bit of an obsession with etrade investing online, which essentially is just another online casino!! Shit. So it seems like everywhere I turn, there is this compulsion in some form or another.
A few months back I won $8000 on a slot machine and decided to quit for a while after that because it brought me back to even for the year of gambling, I figured, and I considered it a big gift, and why not quit now. Sure....that lasted a month or so.
Last night I went and played slots and was up by $300. What do I do? Keep on playing of course! And then, when I am down, increase the bet to chase the loss and bye bye all the money....was out $400. Tonight, I went back to chase it. Lost another $600. The anger, shame, frustration and devastation I feel over what I could have done with that money and how stupid this feels is so bad that I have to take a xanax to be able to sleep. This sucks!!
About a month and a half ago I had a $1500 loss in a night and left crying....all the way home. I cried to my husband and begged him to help me, admitted this was a problem, and that I needed to stop. He is supportive. Over time, I managed to convince him and myself that this one night of stupidity and losing $1500 needn't make me an addict or make me restrict myself when I don't really need to, I'm like anyone else who just has fun with it and made a mistake that time. Next time, there will be limits.
Ok.....so....the current situation is that my therapist suggested a weekly limit. She said if I enjoy gambling and can stick to a limit and I can afford it, I shoudln't worry about it. My limit was $500 a week. It makes me sick to my stomach to think what that will add up to in a year....$26,000. Do I want to donate that to the Indian Reservation?
Here in Arizona there is a casino on every effing corner and I wish to GOD they were not so accessible. It truly sucks.
The saddest thing that comes to mind about facing this is....WHAT about VEGAS??? I can't go back? I got married there. It's fun. It's so sad that now I've ruined it.
I keep trying to control this so that I won't have to give it up....I guess that is part of the sickness.
Sorry this is so long but I have never shared any of this before and it does feel good to tell my story....
M
But here's the deal....for the past 6 years or so I have gambled more and more often, increasing the bets, and at times having so much trouble leaving that I'd be there either ALL night, into the morning hours, or staying for 8 hours at a time. I've gone for a month or two or maybe three at times with no gambling, thinking I surely must not have a problem, but then it will creep back in again. For about a year in there I also got into blackjack online gambling, using strategies to take advantage of the bonuses many online casinos give, and I did pretty well with that at times (some big gains) and I did give that up completely. I don't gamble online at all anymore.
The scary part of this to me is that six years ago I didn't make even a quarter of what I make now for a living, and so I have SO MUCH more money to gamble with now than ever before. This scares the shit out of me. Having money I wanted to invest turned into a wee bit of an obsession with etrade investing online, which essentially is just another online casino!! Shit. So it seems like everywhere I turn, there is this compulsion in some form or another.
A few months back I won $8000 on a slot machine and decided to quit for a while after that because it brought me back to even for the year of gambling, I figured, and I considered it a big gift, and why not quit now. Sure....that lasted a month or so.
Last night I went and played slots and was up by $300. What do I do? Keep on playing of course! And then, when I am down, increase the bet to chase the loss and bye bye all the money....was out $400. Tonight, I went back to chase it. Lost another $600. The anger, shame, frustration and devastation I feel over what I could have done with that money and how stupid this feels is so bad that I have to take a xanax to be able to sleep. This sucks!!
About a month and a half ago I had a $1500 loss in a night and left crying....all the way home. I cried to my husband and begged him to help me, admitted this was a problem, and that I needed to stop. He is supportive. Over time, I managed to convince him and myself that this one night of stupidity and losing $1500 needn't make me an addict or make me restrict myself when I don't really need to, I'm like anyone else who just has fun with it and made a mistake that time. Next time, there will be limits.
Ok.....so....the current situation is that my therapist suggested a weekly limit. She said if I enjoy gambling and can stick to a limit and I can afford it, I shoudln't worry about it. My limit was $500 a week. It makes me sick to my stomach to think what that will add up to in a year....$26,000. Do I want to donate that to the Indian Reservation?
Here in Arizona there is a casino on every effing corner and I wish to GOD they were not so accessible. It truly sucks.
The saddest thing that comes to mind about facing this is....WHAT about VEGAS??? I can't go back? I got married there. It's fun. It's so sad that now I've ruined it.
I keep trying to control this so that I won't have to give it up....I guess that is part of the sickness.
Sorry this is so long but I have never shared any of this before and it does feel good to tell my story....
M
I am a partner of a gambler. He is in a 28 day program now for the downward spiral it became hit rock bottom (he gambled his 10k inheritence and had an affair).
I definitely think you should consider contacting GA and obtaining some information and perhaps attending a meeting. Talking to your hubby was brave and definitely a sign you can get through this, heal. Keep that line of communication open, as partner we need it and want to help you.
I have to say i feel your therapist isn't right saying you can set a limit. It is pretty much enabling your habit. Often a common thing a partner does! If you truly do have a compulsive habit you need to put tools in place to NOT gamble at all. Even $2. I have learnt this via my OH dealing with things.
I wish you strength. I know what you mean about bloody casino's everywhere. Here in Sydney we don't have many but we have alot of clubs with poker machines. My OH works in one (he hopes to leave after rehab). Stay strong and look after yourself and perhaps consider banning yourself at the tempting casinos? Find some other interests that can take your time, with your hubby? And definitely talk to people here. Iknow they are an amazing insightful bunch here :-)
Please find a GA meeting and gain support from there as well. You mentioned a budget of $500 dollars a week. Holy smokes. Imagine if you put $500 dollars a week in to a retirement or savings account. Besides 500 bucks a week is still a pretty darn expensive entertainment budget. At any rate, I'm glad you are here and seeking help. You can do it....
I can relate to not ever being able to go back to Vegas or Laughlin, it sucks. I know I will never have the willpower to step into a casino and not feel the temptation of gambling. I agree with the other posts, you do need to get more information on exactly what CG is. The more you are informed the better. I'm glad you shared your story! It makes me feel less alone. Take care and God bless!
Jststopit, I went to the link on the three phases and read through that. I am definitely in Stage 2. I experience more losses, shame and anger about it, but I have not hit "rock bottom" so to speak, nor has it interfered with my life to a level that sets off major alarms, but THAT is precisely my problem....and the reason I don't stop. I really want to work my thinking into accepting that NOW is the time to stop, before my retirement goes out the window or I lose my savings, house, investments, etc, to this nightmare that could be ahead. I want so much to be able to look at it all and realize that I DO NOT want to go there. It's tricky though, since most addicts have trouble making a major change until something really hurts. I haven't gotten there yet. God forbid I do, I am just hoping that I will find a way to get out while the damage is minimum.
That said, if I were to estimate my losses over the past 7 years or so since I started gambling.....well holy shit, I bet it adds up to $50,000 or more, who the hell knows. But when it is a little at a time and I can still pay mortgage, have money to spend, it doesn't impact me. I know to some people they may view that as something to envy, but trust me, it's even more insidious if there is no impact, because it just slowly eats away until eventually it may take me down a very bad road of bigger losses. I so want to avoid that.
For today, I am feeling very much okay with NOT going and good about distancing. I'm thinking about other endeavors to take up my time because when I ask myself why I gamble, a lot has to do with being ADD (not formerly diagnosed, but it fits) and being easily bored with everyday life. That is at the root of the desire to gamble. So I am trying to explore ideas for new hobbies, creative endeavors, other ways to spend my time that are not self destructive. I have been thinking of that for years though, but the action part is where I lack. I hope I can make the next leap into action to start to work on ways to fill in the boredom so that temptations to gamble will lessen. Does that work for others?
Thanks,
Maria
I think in the long run, sitting in front of a slot machine and watching it spin was a really worthless way to spend time ... it doesn't help anybody, doesn't build self-respect ... there isn't anything positive about it. I used to hope that I wouldn't run into anyone who knew me at the casino ... a good indicator that I viewed it as shameful to be there, and not how I wanted to define myself.
Maybe once people stop focusing on the money aspect ... how much you win in a month, how much you lose, whether you're up or down, it becomes less tempting to chase losses. Then you can focus more on ... what do you want to be doing with your time and life?
if you need any help feel free to message me.
god bless
It is not easy to accept that you have an out of control gambling problem or call yourself gambling addict. Your story is no different than mine. Your just luckier than me because you won $8000, I never win that big. I lost more money than you.
The bad news is that it is so so difficult to get out of the addiction.
I tried so many times to stop but I continue to fail. I truly believe that my only hope in recovery is in God. I don't know what is your faith but faith in higher power will give you strength and hope. Abstinence and recovery is impossible by yourself.
Knowing that I am not alone helps me a lot in my road to abstinence. You will find support here. I'll be praying for strength.
Thanks for sharing your story, I could relate with it.
Another way I have been justifying is the last two times I went I exercised pretty amazing discipline by not staying for long and leaving when I was up. Maybe two hours at the most I was there and as soon as I was up I got out of there. I justified feeling proud of myself for that and that this was some kind of victory or control over it that I mastered. Slick, huh? Makes the whole thing that much more of a crazy disease.
Anyway, I was afraid to get back on here and share that I screwed up and went back, and especially because I chased a loss and won it back....because I know it's extremely rare for that to happen and I consider it actually a terrible thing as far as reinforcing some kind of positive thing about going back. Ugh.
However, I have put all of that money, about $968, into a sealed envelope, gave to my husband and said to hold it so we can have it for our vacation...NOT for more gambling. I'm trying to convince myself that NOW is a perfect time to stay away, when I'm up.
I know......fat chance.