Haven't posted in a few weeks, but I thought this milestone deserved a little recognition. January 1st marked my 90th day without gambling. As a former betting man, I'd venture to guess that one of my resolutions on 1/1/17 was "catch a few more big scores." That didn't happen, but the end result on 12/31/17 was so much more valuable than any big score.
My wife and son are up in the Pacific Northwest visiting my in laws. I've been at home for the last week with no one watching, no rules, and extra time on my hands due to the holidays. Like many, this would normally be a time I'd go on a gambling bender. In the race/sports book from opening to close, spending and spending, reaching deeper than I knew I should but without care. I know the extra time this week made my wife uneasy (rightfully so), and for the first time during my recovery had me feeling similar. I knew I wasn't going to relapse, but I think the thought that I could if I wanted to was still in the back of my mind. Instead of sitting home I addressed the issue head on. I went to lunch at a casino and sat right next to the race book. I watched a football game in the sports book. I went to the movies at a casino and walked by the race book. I did these things on purpose. I refuse to live in a shell. I'm stronger than the addicition and I need to continue proving that to myself. For me, I feel that there is only risk if I give in to the addiction which I refuse to do. In 3 months I have found new resources, tools, and motivation as to why NOT gambling is the path I need to be on.
I continue using the advice I read early in my recover...play the tape. It turns out the same EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
So on Day 91 today I feel good. I feel proud. I feel like there is still a lot more work to do on myself. But I know I'm doing the right thing for me and my family. Today is a good day.
This time of year can be "slippery" for me. I'm starting to feel vulnerable because of the strong feelings and memories, both joyful and sad, that always come up around the holidays, not to mention the extra stress from the out-of-control consumerism, unrealistic expectations, crowds, traffic, etc all around me as the season ramps up. I'm posting to remind myself to breathe and remember that...
I am feeling sorry for myself tonight. Yes, i went on a bender at the casino and lost our last $200. I am 43 and have no money. I have two kids, who have tons of stuff, nice clothes, don't need for anything. I just hate that it's another Christmas that i don't think I'll bother with a tree as i can't afford it and there is nothing to put under it. My husband has had a trucker license the last...