ll2live, I had the same feelings this Monday. Ramping myself up and pressure building inside of me and all the other cr.a. . we, cg feel when urges come. Breath, count, read, relax, run or excersise until you completely exosted, eat, sleep, do whatever.., cry, talk about all the sick feelings inside associated with it, do some good for yourself. You are not alone in it. And remember it passes eventually and you'll grow one more muscle in your recovery. Hug, Vicky.

Your story very closely mirrors my own, as so many people have mentioned, we see our own stories reflected back, time and time again. I was taught that in my other program, look for the similarities and not the differences. When I think about going back to the casino, I am deterred by the realization that I would have to go through all those hideous withdrawals again. I still get the urges, and cravings, but they don't last as long anymore. Also I have heard, and I firmly believe it, that you start right where you left off. The downward spiral would kick into high gear almost immediately. We would be swallowed by the vortex, and the self-loathing would return like the constant companion that it was. You will get respite from your urges, but at what price? Do you want to go down that road again? You have been talking about what is behind the gambling. Is your pain so severe that you would rather keep gambling, and wait to live your best life? 2live you know you can get through this. I have had some extraordinarily tough times, where I had to fight the urges with everything I had. But, so far, I haven't caved. Be strong, do something to stop those voices telling you "go ahead". Read your old journal entries, think about your child/children. Do you feel like you deserve to fail? So many people care about you. I wish you could care about you enough to get through this. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Love ~atticus

I'm with you ll2live, hang in there..... God will make a way, when there seems to be no way, He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for us.... Let us keep on holding on.... We are exactly on the same boat...

Play the tape to the end. How do you feel after you gamble? I'm sure it's not happy because if it was, then you wouldn't be beating yourself up for going, so the release is temporary but leads to more pain. It's good that you are sharing this. Most, if not all of us have been there. I've been headed toward the Casino, driving and crying. Close enough to go, then pull into the parking lot, cry and go home asking, "Why do I have to go through this! This is crazy!" And it was but that was then, years ago and this is now! If I can make it, anyone can and that includes you. I just finally accepted that I'm powerless over gambling and once I did, my life was no longr out of control because I started telling, "HELL NO, I won't go!" Damn the Casino! Ain't nothing there but DEATH and you want 2live. I got your back. Remember 1-800-522-4700 The National Association of Problem Gamblers if ya want someone to talk to or listen. Remember you always have prayer which is direct communication with GOD. 24/7. Make a list of all the reasons to GO and not to GO and I'm sure which list will be longer. I'm praying for you. GOD BLESS

Oh man am I ever glad you posted this today as I am feeling the exact same way right now. It's been on my mind since this morning. Thankfully I have to work, but I keep thinking "hmmm, I'm off in just a couple hours...." But that's just thinking and I am telling myself a BIG FAT NO, YOU WILL NOT GO! All that would happen if I went is I would lose my money because even if I win, I still put it all back in! Then I'd be going home full of shame, remorse and broke to boot. So, it's not going to happen, no matter how bad I want to go. This urge today is nothing compared to how I would feel walking out of the casino. Be strong!

Thanks, y'all have given me a lot to think about. Really. It means something coming from those that have been there done that / doing that. I've got a bunch of road blocks up and I know what I need to do. Now I've got to muster the strength to just stick it out, one more day.

CONGRATS TO ALL WHO ARE FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT OF FAITH! There is no temptation that the devil puts before us that GOD has not planned room for escape. A phone call to or from a friend. Car won't start. Made a wrong turn. Coincidence? More like Divine Intervention. GOD has saved me from myself on many occasions. WE are here! Fighting for our lives! Remember 1-800-522-4700 if you need to talk/listen. Come back here as often as you like/need and prayer is available 24/7 which is your direct line to GOD. You are all in my prayers. Good to see people shapening and using their tools. We are gonna cut this crap into the disease that it is and send it back straight to the pits of hell from which it came! God Bless.

ll2live....Hang in there, girfriend and think about this... (author's notes: this depiction can and does apply to me and perhaps anyone else that is making the journey to arrest our addiction)

In my mind, two of the most horrific ways of dying involve death by fire and death by drowning. The voice you hear telling you to "go have a littel fun" comes from a bastardly beast.

We have all made a conscious decision to stop gambling, because we've had enough of the insanity that this insidious disease inflicted upon you. That was because for years, this bastard, with shovel in hand, dug a deep hole made especially just for us. He convinced us to crawl into that deep hole where he promised we would be safe from all the conflicts and challenges in our life. He would give us a beautiful sanctuary to calm our darkest hours.

At some point,he standing above ground, and all of us in that deep dark hole, he decides to saturate us with a liquid that we think is water, or wine...another round of free cocktails for all! He smiles, as we enjoy the liquid hydration, for after all we're thirsty. But unbeknownst to us, it is gasoline. Then he lights a cigarette and throws it down on us. The hole ignites into flames as he sits back and enjoys the show - watching our souls on fire! We scream, cry, scammer to help each other with putting out the flames; scarred, disfigured but nonetheless we survive the worst of it.

So we make a pack, muster up what combined strength we have left to crawl, scratch and pull our way out of that hole. We vow never to listen to the voice of persuasion again. We start our journey.

We must always be mindful of the hurt, pain, agony of that horrific experience, but we must not dismiss all the things we did to come out survivors. We have worked SO hard to be where we are today and accomplished much along our journey...along the path to freedom. Don't give these things up lightly.

There will always be another bastard standing by a hole for us to fall into. We have a choice! The next bastardly beast will extend another invitation for to climb in the hole for comfort from life's inclement weather. He has no shovel - it is the same hole. A truck is nearby with a long pipe extending from the back to the rim of that hole. No it's not concrete; instead, he's decided to fill the hole with quicksand - with US in it.

We will surely drown in our own sorrows if we make the choice to climb back in that hole.

Stay strong, Lady - the only way out is through! Stay focused, and fight with every ounce of courage you can find. We are all in this together.

Love, Tagg