Tread,

I'm trying to get my head around everything you've just presented, which is why this post will be short and sweet-because I'm still chewing and trying to digest! Perhaps others are feeling the same way too, but I just hate swing a discussion post sit on the board with a zero in the reply column.

You sound like a very intelligent guy, and articulate. I had to reference my online dictionary a few times to ensure I was not losing the meaning of your thoughts. Not trying to be sarcastic, I am being humbly honest.

So here's my simple question to you. What will you do, what can you do, what shall you do to get a grip on this progressively destructive disease that is choking the life out of you? That's what you have to to start mapping out. And cross out suicide, as one of those options, as that is a permanent solution to a problem that can be arrested if you have the desire.

I'm going to ponder more of your post and perhaps respond later on. In the meantime, I 'll pass the baton off to one of my team mates in this marathon race for a meaningful life. Maybe they can shed a different perspective that will help you sort through the choices you have before you.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Tagg20

well guess things may look bad but your trying and realise the gambling problem. your head is above water it seems in that your bills are paid and dont sound like your loosing your home. face it it could be a lot worse. glad your searching for answers now and not waiting till things totally blow up. leave the cash and cards at home to start with. take no more money with you than you need for the day. guess not having acsess to cash when the urges hit is your biggest defense. glad ya found this site and all is not loss for ya. chin up and just take it on had at a time.

Do any little thing you can- you are not a spectator in this, put as much into not gambling as you do into gambling-this site is a good place to start, leave cash and debit card at home, self ban, call gambling hot line etc. I started out lamenting my problem on this site but not really doing anything but gnashing my teeth-i have to participate in my getting well-finally I quit carrying cash, limited the amount on my debit card, went to a counselor and like you I thought I hit rock bottom many times-well there is no shame in falling only in not getting back up. You can do this! I have had days too where I thought "who cares" I have done so much, wasted so much time and money, lie after lie-what is the use, it is unfixable. But I know this is not the life I want for myself or family so I will right it, and I will live, really live! We deserve too have a good life, our kids deserve a present parent, so I will keep fighting and I pray you do too, come with us and we can fight this together!

You are not disposible! You are a valuable, loving human being! You are a person with problems, like all of us, not a problem person. You can and will get past this! Hold on! Time out for the guilt and shame that keeps us sick! This is a trick for the enemy. If you can, and I know from personal experience sometimes it's difficult, but if you can, focus on what you have left, rather than what you have lost. You can't solve this problem with the same behavior that created it! No more Casino. Tell HELL NO, then don't go! I'm praying for you. You are among people who have been there and done that, so no judgement. We are you. Hold on! When you are triggered, remember how you feel right now. Play that tape to the end and maybe you won't make a round trip to HELL which is gambling. As a Compulsive Gambler I realized that I can no longer gamble responsibly. The days of fun are over. This is worst than heroin, crack, prescription pills etc. I remember going back and forth the ATM not stopping until the machine read, "Sorry your request can't be completed at this time!" Thank GOD those days are over. And they can be for you as well. Have I stumbledk relapsed over the years, YES. Today, I'm free of the misery that gambling has caused yet, dealing with the consequences. Tax issues, bankruptcy, stress, I could go on and on. In spite of it all, I'm still here and so are you. Keep your head up! I'm praying for you. Talk to this disease. Tell, Hell NO when you are triggered. Find other positive things to occupy your mind and time. Do whatever you need to do, to take care of yourself and your family. God Bless

Thank you all so much. I am sorry for the long post and I am trying to highlight the positives. I went to the GA site prior to posting and took the 20 question test again. Scored 18/20. I am not in denial about my problem nor am I avoiding the meetings. It truly is a scheduli g nightmare for it to be held at 7pm. My eldest daughter has autism and that is the main reason I can't outsource the homework because it takes her a long time and requires a lot of patience when she has outbursts and refuses. Due to being held back a few grades, she is now in the same class as her younger brother so it isn't uncommon for a task that takes him 20 minutes requires at least 90 minutes for her and the baby sister begins first grade so homework will now be a 2-3 hour prospect. I tried a therapist a year ago but he knows my wife personally and pretty much said, " Stop gambling because a divorce will be more expensive". An addiction to a drug or alcohol is so much easier for others to understand because they can relate to a tangible object that affects brain receptors to initiate withdrawal. What most don't realize is for those of us that are compulsive gamblers, the brain chemical Dopamine is released in enormous amounts. It is also tough because while my wife hates the gambling, subconsciously when I try to stop she takes measures to get me back at it. "We haven't been out together in a long time, I'd like to go to the casino because we are too old to go to a nightclub, etc.". I feel she does this because it helps her to justify her alcoholism. When I try to decline it turns into "So I have to never go anywhere because you can't control yourself?". She may only ask to go twice a year at most but once I show a sustained period of not going is when she starts trying to have a "date night". As an addict, I understand the manipulation because I've been a pro. "If you lemme go, I'll split my winnings with you." I've literally set aside a couple hundred at home so when I got back I'd give it to her pretending I had won. Of course when poker was the only available option, it wasn't a lie and I would give her some of the take. But I can't control myself to play that game now that the others are there in front of me. But her win expectations are the same and her suggestions for me to go never cease. It's all my fault but this is my only feasible support. My parents (mother mainly, Dad can take it or leave it) are stil in the throws of compulsive gambling and I can't really talk to them. I have been such a disappointment to my father and wife and it's very painful. I do have good qualities. Where my wife and I work opposite 12 hour schedules ( I say we are 2 married single parents) I have been blessed with the unique situation to raise the kids equally and alone on my days. I've learned to cook, clean and do laundry very well, and do everything that she does as a mom. I never neglect them and I go to every sick visit, ER situation ( primarily because she is too intoxicated to drive them.. I have had to close my store down a couple of times in these situations because she needed me to take one of them). It's just this addiction of mine seems to supercede all my good points. My self- hatred and feelings of failure truly drown me. I'd never truly consider suicide because my children (especially my oldest) need me. But I feel I have not been the provider I should be due to my addiction and blowing my money. And I wait till they are asleep before I leave to the casino but if I knows wife drinks and something were to happen, that responsibility falls on me too for leaving the house with her in the condition she is either in or heading toward.
So now what? I am going to try the " wear a rubberband on my wrist" to help focus on this goal of abstinence. I've never done that. I know from previous meetings the focus is Day by Day but for me I have to try to expand that a bit.. end of summer, etc. Then the challenge is not to "reward" myself with a night of gambling. I have to have faith that if I can contain this that each new day will be a little easier for me to not go back. My hope is that it's not too late for me to save and get ahead. Initially I left one job to take another for the sole purpose of tapping into my 401K. I had shamefully taken money out of my kids savings account. I have replaced these funds and I have never tried to access their money again. That might be the most shameful thing I've ever done and I'll never forgive myself. That was in 2009 and I was able to replenish it in 2010 with more but the shame is unbearable. But it took less than a year for blackjack to deplete the rest. Of course I owe the IRS.. Anyway I got side-tracked. My day-to-day goal is to visit here as daily. My short-term goal is too see if I can actually go "gamble free" after I get my next paycheck until I am issued another one 2 weeks after that. Perhaps I should look into finding another therapist, but this is costly given its an out of pocket expense or we have to pay 70%. I'm sorry I got wordy again.
Lastly, I feel ashamed and selfish coming here because I know ther are people here who have experienced far worse and struggle with so much more. I am ashamed for feeling sorry for myself when I am the direct cause of my problems. Especially when I face my daughter who was born Autistic and did nothing to have that happen to her other than being born. All my wounds are self-inflicted and the impact my poor decisions have caused has affected my family in it's wake. I'm solely responsible and I pray I have he courage and tenacity to do the things hat will help me stop. The fact that you all have taken the time to respond really means a lot. You are all wonderful people and I don't deserve the time you've spent praying for me or encouraging me over the past 12 hours. I really want to change and be able to earn the kindness you've shown. I really am a good hearted person and I wasn't raised to lie and steal. It's said that character is how you behave when nobody is watching and character is how you treat people who can do absolutely nothing for you. With regard to the latter I have it but with the former, I am a man of low character. This beast needs caged and hopefully with your help, I can indeed do so. I don't deserve the blessings I have with my kids nor the kindness of the strangers here, but I honestly pray that one day I will. Thank you all and I'll check in later. I'm encouraged and awestruck by the success most of you have shown in defeating this and I truly look up to your determination. I hope I can do the same. 72 hours gamble free!

well geee tread ya gotta stop beating yourself up. i know ive done it to myself in the past too but the past is the past and only today matters. you seem like a awesome caring person. stop making yourself out to be a monster cause that your not. we all feel like asses when we gamble and shrug off our responsiblity. yeah we put ourselves in a hole we do and sometimes feels like theres no way out. your definatly not burried ya just need to dust yourself off a bit, get agrip and take a good look at your life cause it aint that bad. you sound like you wanna rise above this gambling addiction and pretty sure ya will cause i sure see i willingness in ya to try. stay strong and for today not gamble. dont pay to worry about tommrrow only the here and now ya got control of. take care and be kinda to yourself.in your thoughts.

snap out of it, get angry and fight back. one minute you say you are a good person then you turn around and say you do not deserve our prayers, god doesnt make mistakes and i trully believe that you are a good person so that means you do deserve our prayers and you do deserve a happy life. there is a lot of power in our words and thoughts, every time you have a negative thought replace it with a positive one, i know right now its hard to see a positive one while you are still in the grip of this disease so start small. you are alive, you have your kids and your wife..........ect. it will get easier as you get more practice and time away from gambling. i didnt mean to sound harsh at the beginning but we as cg have a tendacy to waller in self pity and that will keep us in its grip. i wish you and your family the best and hope your wife seeks the help she needs as well, you could be an inspiration to her if you work on getting healthy. i have been in your shoes and once felt it was hopeless for me to quit or to have a better life, i have been gamble free for 11 months and am happier than i have ever been. there is hope for you and your family and you do deserve it, god bless and keep coming back.

Thank you so much for your post, and sharing your feelings. "...more numb and devoid of emotion than at any time in my life" is exactly how I've been feel for quite awhile, even when I haven't gambled for some time. I often waste time; the only things I seem to care about are my job and my grown children when they are around. I have so much to be grateful for. I alone have caused my unhappiness.

These feelings are unusual for me, as I am a very optimistic person and usually get busy solving whatever concern I have, seldom having a "pity party." I have been working on not gambling for a year and a half and have been doing fairly well during "normal schedules" i.e. when my husband is home. (However, I've yet to make it two months-have had several "rock bottoms") When he is 200 miles away helping his elderly father, I have gone gambling.

I can't believe I can fail so many times and keep doing the same thing and sending my self esteem down the dumpster.

Thanks so much for sharing, as today I really needed to read your post as I was feeling so alone in my feelings. (Not that I'm glad that you are having these feelings, too; I wouldn't wish them on anyone.)

hey face it, its just the way gamblers feel. its letting them out that sets us straight up and ready to fly right.

Thanks Bugs and Dewitt. As always,presence felt and respected.

great looing family ya got there. can see why ya would wanna keep it all together for them. jeep the fight going.