Well, we all know how you feel. I understand the emptiness/struggle and sick feeling you experience every time you leave the casino. So hopefully this place will give you strength. I am troubled by why you say you can't self exclude though. If your mom doesn't have a problem with gambling, let her get her own players card so that she can use whatever promotions they have that month. You need to self exclude!! period end of story! I dare say that if you went and told your mother that gambling has become a problem for you, she would understand, I would hope at least. There is another program called STeP that you can look into also. what this is, is you register your debit/card at this sight and it goes out to all casinos and it won't allow you to access cash from any atm or cashier at a casino. You may find that helpful to you and it will save you from getting additional money so easily. We are all rooting for you and are here for you! I love this site since i found it.

all the best,
robinn

Thank you. You are right. I'm having 'the talk' with my mom today. I have zero cash advances on my credit cards and no debit card, but I do have a hefty credit allowance at the casino, which is the biggest reason I need to self ban. It's a very sad day today.

Darling D-
I'm so glad you decided to post. We certainly have been there... win, lose, lose, lose. The sequence can change, but the lose is always there in the end.
I wholeheartedly echo robbin's post- your Mother really should understand and, perhaps, could learn from your problem herself. I personally feel that anyone in the casino is at least a temporary compulsive gambler, because that's what the games inspire. Fortunately, for most, that atmosphere gives way when they leave the bright lights and catchy sounds... unfortunately, for us that doesn't happen and, more unfortunately, those lights and noises bring more of us here each day.
Nevertheless, you should stand your ground and stop, self-exclude and take the money you WILL LOSE and save it to take your Mother some place really nice without the need to risk your money.
Hang tight,
Jay

Thanks Jay. You're right. My mother really 'should' understand, but she's old and she's been gambling a long long time and its her only form of entertainment. I am absolutely certain she is not capable of facing the realities of my or her gambling. I have to accept that and figure out how to do what is right for ME, notwithstanding any of her behaviors. I found a counselor who comes highly recommended and I will call him tomorrow. I've been wanting to go to counseling for a long time and this will be a big step for me. I appreciate your reply and input. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.

Get some counseling then take it one day at a time. YOU need to take care of YOU. That's step #1!
Peace, love & blessings!

darlingd: As I read your post, I felt like it was me writing! I spent the entire weekend obsessively reading the posts on this page, googling, you-tubing, praying, and writing out anything that I felt might help me when I'm weak. Although I am still frightened of the day I have to call upon this site and my journal entries to keep me from getting weak; I also am filled with confidence, faith, and hope that all this obsessing will help the inner-me fight the temptations. Really all we have is our own mind to save us...and each other on this site to keep us grounded. I look forward to the day we can both brag about how we have overcome this sickness. Hugs to you.

I clicked on your post because 'broken and lost' so describes how I feel about myself. It helps just knowing that others feel the same way. I've felt broken and lost for a lot of my life and I'm really tired of feeling that way. Really tired of crawling into whatever cave (gambling, booze, internet, drugs, work, etc..) is most available to hide from how I feel. I'm taking antideps and they help but mostly what I've found helpful is making a decision every day to treat myself well and realize the truth about myself; that I am not what I do but who I am and that I can change what I do going forward. I have a choice every day, every day, to make about hurting myself and others or not. I've hurt people who care about me and I've hurt myself out of a misguided view of myself that is simply not true or correct. Enough kicking myself and hurting myself. I wish the same for you. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself and if what you do doesn't work, try something else. Keep trying. Be as stubborn about your recovery as the addiction and you will wake up one day and realize the truth about yourself.

Thanks Deand, and to everyone here. Happy New Year to all.
I have suddenly found myself extremely distraught, crying and anxious. My kids have been home from college for the holidays and like their entire upbringing, my house has been overflowing with the presence of wonderful young people (my kids and all their friends). Young people working hard to achieve their educational goals, realize their dreams and find out who they are going to be in the world. For the first time in my life / their lives (their) I have realized one of the biggest reasons I ended up with this horrible addiction. These people provided me with a sense of purpose, something to focus my energy on and a way to use my time productively, purposefully and enjoyably. I was always 'mama', who guided them as they grew, celebrated their achievements and commiserated with them over those learning experiences that didn't turn out so good. Then they all went off to college and for the most part, I get that luxury once or twice a year now. That leaves a lot of blank time and a lot of lost days in a given year. I always thought I was 'enjoying' the freedom of those responsibilities. Now they've all gone back to their homes and schools again, and i sit here crying tears of the sad realization that it is really loneliness that i feel and an INTENSE desire to escape to 'my place', the place where i can numb that pain and feel 'better'..............now, immediately. I'm going to do my best and stay on the right track and NOT go. Stay in the warmth of my comfortable and loving home............whether there are physical bodies here or not.
Sorry for the long-winded boo hoo hoo.
Now I just have to make sure I do NOT get in the car and drive.
DD

Hi Darling. I am right there with you. My daughter is home from college, and it has kept me grounded these last couple weeks. I was already gambling here and there when she was in High School, but it definitely got out of control when she left for college. I have spent the last year and a half completely drowning my loneliness and money at the casino. Unfortunately for us, we now have the habit of the casino being our "place" so now we must try to find a healthy replacement. When I am not at work, on Netflix, or on the internet (here), I try to tackle big cleaning projects so that I will be so warn out afterward, I don't have the energy to drive to the casino. Once my house is spotless and I've watched everything on Netflix, I will have to find another outlet...I fight the urge multiple times a day. I just keep thinking about all the nice things I could've purchased with the money. Or how I could've given that money to my daughter in college (what a concept). I think the key for us right now is to come out here everyday and continually remind ourselves to STAY OUT...at least until they find a cure through some miraculous brain surgery and we can volunteer as test subjects.

Hi Darling,
I'm leaving off the D.
I can so relate and by the way we can be best of friends.
I would like that.
I added the turtle becasue that's how I feel so very slow to learn this costly lesson and just plain stuck in the sand on the beach when the water is where I want to be.
I see you can't tell your momma.
I didn't tell my mom because she is now 86 and sickly and I didn't want to "kill" her with such devestating information.
So I decided and I really believe we must tell someone; have some personal responsibillity to be able to do this. It is the help we need. Someone to remind and ask us not to do it.
I simply told my mom I had been having trouble the last couple of years and didn't tell her quite, actually not even 10 percent of what I'd lost. But it was just enough to concern her and let her know I could use some help in this area.
I really suggest you tell someone, your kids, your mom, your husband, exhusband.
I have gambled huge, really huge sums the last ten years.
I always felt like I didn't care and the money meant nothing because I was missing the important things in life. Family etc.
Now I know what few people I have I need to reach out to.
YOU do too.
YOU deserve it.
YOU really want it.
Don't hesitate.
I have tried to quit and gone to counseling, redimed psychiatric facility, GA, psychiatrists. Always wondering what and why can't an educated (eight years) person take control of this.
But besides being hooked it takes caring about yourself and what happens to you.
I feel in your message just a little bit like me, hey, the kids and your mom and others...give to them. Care about them and not yourself.
LOOK in the mirror....you have helped others now let them help you.
The best.
Keep me posted
New friend.
Pam

Stay strong. Ban yourself from the casino. Best bet I made.