Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
In GA literature it states that you may never know why you gambled and that it's really not important. I do agree with that, but I often find my mind thinking back to my youth and trying to understand what path led me here. I'm not one to put blame on others for my actions. I knew what I was doing the whole time. I didn't stop. I didn't want to stop. I made no effort to stop. I am a compulsive gambler. However, I am a firm believe that we are all products of our environment, and I grew up in a household where gambling was A-OK.
Hindsight being 20/20, I wish my parents had done things differently. How were they to know that I'd become a compulsive gambler? To the best of my knowledge neither one of them are. There was always dinner on the table. Vacations planned. Enough money to go out to dinner. All of my extra curricular activities were supported and funded, no questions asked. However, in thinking back to my youth, all of our family vacations (Mom, Dad, and I - I have two brothers 12 & 14 years older than me that were mostly out of the house during my childhood) were to cities that had casinos. Las Vegas, Laughlin, Reno, Bahamas. The Vegas/Laughlin trip was at least once per year if not more.
My parents did their best. No one is perfect. I sometimes wish they had done things differently though. I spent a lot of time alone as a kid since they both worked. Some of that alone time has allowed me to be a self sufficient, successful person. Some of it factored in my gambling behavior and created an intraverted hobby that led to an addiction.
When I was 13 I won a trip to the Bahamas. So cool, right? Random drawing, won an all expense trip for four to a resort there. The three of us went on the trip and while I have some great memories of hanging out on the beach, running wind sprints in the sand (getting ready for freshman football), and doing a bike ride around the island...I also have the memories of going down to the lobby and playing bingo with a bunch of adults. Paying $5 (or someting around there) to play in a real money game at the end and winning $130. I remember going to the casino, leaning over the horse racing machine (plastic horses running in a circle) and betting with my parents. Following that trip I remember that my feelings changed about going to the race track. I didn't hate it anymore, I loved it. Fast forward to 19yo, moving to Vegas to go to college. Parents decide to retire out here, I'm 19, school doesn't start for 3 months, I have no friends, no hobbies, so what do I do? Go to casinos & gamble. I looked young and at one point I get banned from a casino. This all occurs while under my parents roof.
I feel that most parents would ask WTF I was doing. But they knew, they didn't discourage it. That makes me sad in hindsight.
I don't blame my parents, but I know their enabling didn't help in the long run. It would be naive to think it didn't have an impact on me. It did. I wish someone would have grabbed ahold of me and tried to do something, but no one did. That sucks.
Fortunately now I'm in a better place, both physically and mentally. I'm focused on recovery, not on the past. I can't change what happened. But it would be foolish to not acknowledge it - at least a little bit. But theres a fine line between dwelling and moving on. I won't dwell on this, but I did want to share it as I'm sure others have similar stories.
Both of my parents suffered with severe drug addiction and alcoholism, plus mental illness. But neither was a compulsive gambler, that I know of.
My mother loved music and my father was an artist. Both had charming personalities. They divorced when I was about 12 years old, I think? There’s so much detail that’s blurry in my mind, and things didn’t get better after the divorce.
I’m 62 years old, I still suffer from severe depression, aka mental illness. I’ve been married 5 times, the first four marriages don’t even add up to five years. I have 2 beautiful children of my own and four beautiful granddaughters. I’m blessed. Both of my children are successful and in good marriages. Do I worry about addictions finding their way into my kids life.
Now I feel like I’m just sniveling. Life is better for me without gambling.
Today I will not gamble
Biological father was a compulsive gambler, my mom taught me gambling games at 6/7 yrs old. My mom was charismatic and depressed and narcissistic. I grew up feeling worthless, not good enough and I built on that theme proving it to myself with poor choices in men and behaviors.
Add unresolved grief and loss and it is amazing I or anyone else has survived.
Tonight I just got back from a 3 day camping trip with a friend that was absolutely wonderful. Time in the woods and time by the ocean. Nothing more healing for me. I would not have done it if I were still gambling.
That is part of why I won't be gambling today.
My parents are human. They did the best they could.
What more can I ask for? They didn't know I'd become a compulsive gambler, nor would they have wanted that for me. I wish they had seen the signs a little more clearly, but they didn't. None of that can be changed, it's just part of my history now.