Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
This is something that I wrote at a very dark time in my life. When I was looking for something to share here, I found this. It's dark, but it was what I felt when I was in the throes of my addiction. I've haven't read much about the sorrows that this disease causes here... I'm guessing that is because we are here to uplift and support each other. I'm sharing this today as a testimony to where I was and how far I've come. I think I'll write something about the hole again... how it heals when given the medicine of love and peace and forgiveness and support and hard work.
Being in the Throes
She sits at her desk
Fantasizing about a permanent solution
To a permanent problem
The hole inside her is gaping wide
The edges are rough and bleeding
You can see right through her
If you look hard enough
Shes wounded
The kind of wound that
May or may not heal
The doctors would say
Her condition is fragile
It could go either way
She doesn't have any fight in her
She used that up yesterday
At 1 pm
When she just had to make it to 2
Its a hole
It needs filling
The emptiness is unbearable
But she must bear it
Find something else to fill it
And she scrambles
Looking for distractions
As the hole gets bigger
The sunshine use to heal it
And the smiles on her loved ones faces
But she doesn't see those things any more
Shes blind to them
Her vision blurred by the overwhelming desires
She is trying to ignore
The hole has a voice
It calls her name
Calls for her to touch it
To feel the emptiness of it
To explore its rotting edges
And recognize the filth of it
As it gorges on her peace of mind
She knows that if anyone saw this hole
They would flinch and look away
Or they might try to help
From across the crowded room
From a distance far enough away
That they could not be swallowed by it
So she stays away
Saving others from her pain
There is comfort in her solitude
But there is no comfort in her loneliness
And her sorrows aren't few
It is from that lonely place
That it calls her name
I am here for you
I will make it better
Get dressed and come along
Follow me
I am the answer to your prayers for relief
And I ask nothing in return
Except for one small thing - a little piece of you
There is already so much missing
No one will notice
It will be fine
Our little secret
And that secret
Eats at her soul
Gnaws at her sanity
Leaving a hole
That needs to be filled
A hole with a voice
And a secret
And its hungry
And it needs to be filled.
Being in the Throes
She sits at her desk
Fantasizing about a permanent solution
To a permanent problem
The hole inside her is gaping wide
The edges are rough and bleeding
You can see right through her
If you look hard enough
Shes wounded
The kind of wound that
May or may not heal
The doctors would say
Her condition is fragile
It could go either way
She doesn't have any fight in her
She used that up yesterday
At 1 pm
When she just had to make it to 2
Its a hole
It needs filling
The emptiness is unbearable
But she must bear it
Find something else to fill it
And she scrambles
Looking for distractions
As the hole gets bigger
The sunshine use to heal it
And the smiles on her loved ones faces
But she doesn't see those things any more
Shes blind to them
Her vision blurred by the overwhelming desires
She is trying to ignore
The hole has a voice
It calls her name
Calls for her to touch it
To feel the emptiness of it
To explore its rotting edges
And recognize the filth of it
As it gorges on her peace of mind
She knows that if anyone saw this hole
They would flinch and look away
Or they might try to help
From across the crowded room
From a distance far enough away
That they could not be swallowed by it
So she stays away
Saving others from her pain
There is comfort in her solitude
But there is no comfort in her loneliness
And her sorrows aren't few
It is from that lonely place
That it calls her name
I am here for you
I will make it better
Get dressed and come along
Follow me
I am the answer to your prayers for relief
And I ask nothing in return
Except for one small thing - a little piece of you
There is already so much missing
No one will notice
It will be fine
Our little secret
And that secret
Eats at her soul
Gnaws at her sanity
Leaving a hole
That needs to be filled
A hole with a voice
And a secret
And its hungry
And it needs to be filled.
The loneliness caused by this addiction is tremendous.
But if I've felt this way, and you've felt this way, and others here have felt this way, then indeed we are NOT alone.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Prsloan
Once again, I sit here in awe! Such a powerful, gut-wrenching portrait of a person in despair...of me while active in my addiction. I wait with baded breath for the sequel to the hole.
You are a magnificent writer - your work is like an invitation to the audience that whispers "Come...take a look.....you're cordially invited to an "out of body" experience into the heart of my soul"
Thank you, so so much for continuing to share your beautiful talents with us!
Love Tagg
"Follow me
I am the answer to your prayers for relief
And I ask nothing in return
Except for one small thing - a little piece of you"
It is so true, I felt it especially last time. And this piece from your poem is helping me today.
Thank you!
Good for you!
When I read it now, the feelings come right back. I remember the day clearly. I think it was around day 10 of getting sober. I was just a complete mess and thinking about gambling (every few minutes). I was still thinking that if I wasn't able to quit, I would kill myself. .... and I was pretty doubtful that I was going to be able to quit.
Mostly it makes me think that I NEVER want to go back to feeling like that again and that I will do whatever it takes to stop gambling forever and heal my wounds. Reaching out for help, getting out of that lonely place, admitting to my loved ones that I was addicted.... took away some of the power of that voice that tells me to go. I realized that I am not alone. I put myself into solitary confinement because of my pride and my shame and my depression and because I didn't know better. I know better now :)
Love you & Hugs
Lisa
Wonderful, moving and a must read for anyone new...
Jay