Strength2. Been there so many times it makes me sick. Went to school in SF and attended meetings there and San Mateo. Recovery comes in many ways. Meetings, therapists or cold turkey. It makes no difference to me how someone gets clean. My history of gambling was to seek the action. I used to con myself into thinking I was going to win or had a lead pipe cinch. But, what I really wanted was to play, and play, and play. You see, I loved to gamble. The suspence, the thrill, the not knowing the outcome and then feeling so smart when I won. But winning was not enough. I wanted to keep playing. There was no amount I wanted to win and then quit. I wanted to gamble, period. It didn't matter who I hurt or how much damage I caused. I wanted to gamble. The more I gambled the more I wanted to gamble. One day at Bay Meadows race track after losing and stumbling drunk I went towards the commuter train and thought about walking in front of it. I grabbed hold of a light standard and grabbed hold with all my strength. I realized the next day that I was afraid of me. I realized if I could kill myself I could kill someone else as well and not know what I was doing. Drinking and gambling had brought me to the brink of disaster. I loved to gamble. I did not want to quit. But I wanted to live. Stopping gambling was the hardest thing I have ever encountered. It was my main love. My girl friend, my wife, my job, my everything. I would be empty without it. How could I live. What would I look forward to. No next bet. Help. I can't do it. Surprise, I quit and found life. Gambling. 100% loser in the long run. Disaster, divorce, suicide, hatred, insanity.Where is the big win in that. Thank goodness for the commuter train for me. It scared me straight. Jon

Strength2- Well I doubt I can add anything to what Jon had to say. That pretty much sums it up. We've all been there- the rollercoaster is always operational, it's just a matter to not take that ride. You obviously know that the highest highs don't count and the lowest lows follow the highest highs. Stop the coaster and get off.
You gotta remember the lows and the pain each time you get that itch- it sucks, it's difficult, it's painful, but, it's absolutely key to putting some distance between you and that first bet.
You owe it to yourself- don't gamble, plain and simple- incredibly easy and unimaginably hard, but it's possible.
Jay

Thanks guys. trying and i keep coming back and trying the GA meetings, but have always fallen off the wagon

It is clear from your comments and those who replied that gambling is not a conscious decision made with deliberate calculated thought. What is it then? It can be argued that it is pure selfishness, we love the physiological changes that occur when winning and believe it or not we love the physiological effects of losing. For example one year I found I could not lose on the blackjack table, I found myself playing the pokie machines(which you cannot win on) to experience the normality of Gambling, that is the physiological changes brought on by the desperation of losing.

great reply Jon! I have come to feel this way recently too; many years ago I may have become addicted to gambling bc I wanted to win, but I am so far gone now that I know there is no amount that would satisfy the monsters appetite, so I played just to keep playing. And James is right too, sometimes despite knowing how bad the odds are and knowing for a certainty I will lose I play just the same, enjoying in a sick way the pain and suffering of losing.

I don't need that anymore!! Time to move on and "grow up"!

great post jon, i sent you a hug for that. i too was scared of myself which led me enjoy gambling as a way to cope with life

this is what advice i got when i was in a similar situation, i was told to take the winnings put it in an envelope and send it back or donate it...when i heard that advice i thought this person must think i'm some kind of fool, no way in hell was i going to take those winnings and send them back, afterall it was mine i had won. anyway, i couldn't help but give you that advice, until you learn that the winnings only make it worse for you, you will never get past this demon. the winnings are the god dam problem with gambling in the first place, does this gambling demon really think i'm that foolish? why do i let it fool me then? degrade me? put me down in such a way, take my pride and smash it into pieces, why would let this deceiving kniving lying bastard fool me again and again until i have lost every ounce of self respect etc. fool me once fool me twice, but don't you ever i mean ever think you can fool me until the day i die. i'm not low, neither of us are that worthless. remember life is waiting for you, to count your blessings, to enjoy the peace, to see nature and every moment as beautiful and endearing, afterall none of this lasts forever... you can feel good without the deception that gambling is, you can feel like the richest man alive without any clothes on your back on shoes on your feet, you don't need money, you don't need anything but selflove, not selfish love, greedy love, but caring love. peace to you, you are not alone

keep the faith