Remembert..., First, Glad you are doing well. I totally get what you are saying. I have family and friends who have had substance addictions and I never really understood what it was like for them. I thought I did, but now I realize you can't understand what addiction is like until you experience it. That understanding is one of the good things that have come out of my own personal journey. I no longer have that 'holier than thou' mentality that I once had. It got knocked right out of me. I wish you continued success with your own recovery.

Thank You Pennyluv for reminding me of my own arrogance and understanding that yes I will grow from this experience although it is so painful at times.

Looks like my post got hijacked ...too bad someone thought we need help to win

I can see my own lack of compassion towards my dad is now the compassion I need to give myself.

In my quest to understand how I could be soooooo out of control, when in all other areas of my life I was in complete control I found out how little control I had of anything.
It was only letting go of trying to control all that I began to get the counseling and understanding of where my addiction came from.
That for me seemed to include looking back at my childhood and upbringing which was not bad but was not as good as I had always "been told" it was.
I see how impulses and obsessions played a role in my life since a very early age. I was trying to control what I thought that I could and hence became obsessive and compulsive. It was only a matter of time, especially since alcoholism was in my family and I think other addictions of compulsion, before I too became controlled by the demons in my mind, heart and soul that had to come out.
It took so long, about 8 years for me to understand how this all fit together.
Some people say to let go of the need to understand, but for my analytical mind I just needed way more understanding of how this stupid and controlling gambling could have gotten so deeply ingrained in my mind and behavior.
It didn't seem to take so long to become addicted to gambling but boy oh boy, when I got there it was a bugger coming out of it.
I believe that gambling is at least as bad as any other addiction and maybe even stronger as it is so widely and socially accepted.
Yuck, that is the worst.
The very best deal for me was to sign out where ever possible but that isn't always an available option.
Make the money UNAVAILABLE.
or sometimes we have to get broke for a while to get it done.
god bless you and don't ever give up on giving up.
Your life is at stake.

Newway: I too had t experience addiction to fully understand it. Warnings from others I guess fell in deaf ears thinking I could come out ahead. I have made money unavailable> I am remembering the pain I have caused myself and am trying to heal. The intensity has lessen but I am still so scared of how I will pay these cards back.

Thank You and pennyluv for your words of support. This site is so helpful. Ive been reading posts all weekend as well as doing GA meetings. I no longer want to be in that fog that cost me friends, money and damaged important relationships. Being grateful helps me a lot too. Counting my blessings and staying humble.

WTG! Good for you! You are on the right path! I have overcome past addictions bu did not think gambling was the same until my problem outweighed my denial.
I just passed the 18 month milestone and continue to attend an aftercare support group with other ladies that are in recovery from compulsive gambling. My life has less money in it, but other than that, treatment, support group and many lifestyle changes later, all other areas are improved.
Hope was the first thing that I gained back with the help of a great counselor.