Welcome Candcand,

This site is a very good place to start, because there are many of us here in various stages of working through and out from under the grips of this insidious addiction. We are not losers, we are not idiots, we are not degenerates, and neither are you. We are people who suffer from an addiction that is silent, cunning and deadly, if we continue to allow it to rule our lives.

I completely understand how frustrated and disgusted you feel towards yourself, because you are unable to gamble like a normal person. We have all been there and have tried all kinds of zany methods to kid ourselves into thinking that we can keep it under control. But the truth of the matter is we are not normal, when it comes to gambling, and trying to control it is like trying to find gold using chicken wire as our sieve.

The best thing you can do for yourself, right now, is to admit that you are a compulsive gambler, a person with an addiction. If you had cancer or failing kidneys, you would most likely seek out professional medical council to assist with charting out a plan of attack to arrest your disease.

Start here, and make some time to read throughout the heartfelt posts on this sight. That will be the start of you realizing that you are not alone, and will never be alone, if you keep coming back to the sight. I am a member of GA, and have been for 13 months. This group and this site have saved my life....because I finally decided I needed to do something beyond thinking I could control my gambling.

We'll be here for you, Cand.....be kind to yourself, and stop beating yourself up. We "cando" this together....we just need your help and cooperation.

Warm regards, Tagg

Welcome here Cand. I am addicted to slot machines too. It almost killed me. It seems like the most painful thing I went through was having so much shame. I was mortified that anyone would find out how far I had run myself into the ground. I put on a fake smile every day and presented myself to the world as a person that had it all together!I have so much debt that I had no choice but to file bankruptcy.
I've been in recovery for almost a year now. I truly thought I had two choices, quit gambling or die. I was desperate for answers.
I remember being sick at my stomach when I made that first call for help. It helped me save my life though. That call was to a therapist that specialized in addiction.
You are not a loser. You are not weak. You are not stupid. You are an addict. This is a disease. You can manage it and live a happy life.
We are here to support you. We understand. Please keep coming back.

Thanks, Tagg and Live. I really appreciate your support. I will come back here every day because I have no other place to talk about this and I need to. I can't even afford a therapist right now and I am too nervous about going to GA, I am just not ready yet.

Hi Cand, I am a fellow slot addict. I know personally the shame, guilt and self-hatred you talk about. Also the covering-up and putting on a face for the outside world. Also I would miss calls from family and loved ones if I was gambling because I didn't want them to know what I was doing. Mostly I want to tell you that you are loveable, if you want to be in a relationship you will find it eventually and that person will love you, flaws and all. I just quit the slots 6 days ago so I am in the early stages too. I've been gambling for 8 years, this is the second time I've decided to stop and try to save myself. Best wishes and hugs to you.

You've got a great resource here, candcand, use it, learn from it and really take it all in. We've all got similar stories- i'm sure you will be able to see yourself in many posts.
I struggled with the embarrassment a lot myself- I could fix anything I thought. Truth is, this is one thing I can't fix on my own. I was mortified that anyone might find out I stopped gambling and think... oh, one of those guys... Truth is on that one too that there are more of us than people outside think (or are told about).
I've got a sensitive job and I'm cautious about what I tell, but I've made a lot of admissions to people that I didn't think I'd ever tell. It's been very liberating in the end. I think the way you say it means a lot, not nervous and anxious but matter of fact- I don't gamble anymore!
We're here for you,
Jay

Hello CC, so many of us here have similar stories, as Tagg suggested you should perhaps read as many posts as you can. I first came onto Daily Strength in 2009 and just read and read. I saw my own story mirrored back so many times. That is one of the greatest things about this forum. There is no judgement and we "get it". The way people that are not compulsive gamblers don't, They just don't understand. So much of what you say here is so familiar. Especially the "free" play part. Man, that stupid hook kept me going back way longer. I figured that was MY money and I was entitled to it. It is such a horrible cycle. The embarrassment factor IS high. But try to remember, (when it comes time for you to to to GA) everybody there felt the same shame and embarrassment.
It took me a long time to even try to quit gambling, because I knew time after time that I wasn't done. No matter how thoroughly disgusted I was with myself, I couldn't NOT go. Every night it was the same thing, I would ask myself "what's it going to take".
Yes, it's embarrassing, but please don't wait until you get so far that death looks like the only way out...So many of us have been there, too. Hugs and welcome ~atticus