Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
It occurred to me last night how much in common my relationship with gambling had with abusive personal relationships. Fortunately, I have never been in one, but my oldest daugher was for two years. She is a beautiful, funny, smart girl, but from the ages of 18 to almost 22 she was involved with an abusive boyfriend.
She kept the secret for 2 years. I kept my secret for the same period of time. She didn't tell anyone about it because she was ashamed, but also because she knew she would then have pressure on her to get out. I was the same. She only told us when she realized she had to get out in order to save her life. I only reached out when I knew it was "do or die".
We both had magical thinking. She thought she had some semblance of control over the outcome. She believed that he would change if she just did this, or that. I believed that I had some control over the payouts. "This machine is calling to me", push the button lightly, pat the side of the machine, etc. Neither of us had any control.
We both believed we had "good times" throughout the relationships. He was loving and caring and devoted when he wasn't losing control of his temper. I would win sometimes. But that belief that these were "good times" was an illusion. The "good times" would always eventually end with us feeling bruised and battered.
She compartmentalized her life. Kept the people who had suspicions away from the people who were clueless. Desperately tried to keep her worlds from colliding. Same here.
She became the consumate actress. "Everythings great, Mom. We are doing really well". Ditto for me.
She chased her losses. So much time and effort put into that relationship. Yup, me too.
She lived with stress, secrecy, anxiety, guilt, shame and confusion. Sound familiar?
She got out, and is now figuring out why she was in in the first place. Trying to make sure she looks for healthy people and becomes one herself in order to have a healthy relationship. I will never have a healthy relationship with gambling, because the casino was my abusive partner, and ALL casinos will be my abusive partner. But there are other healthy relationships out there waiting for me to get healthy enough to find them.
She's out. So am I.
She kept the secret for 2 years. I kept my secret for the same period of time. She didn't tell anyone about it because she was ashamed, but also because she knew she would then have pressure on her to get out. I was the same. She only told us when she realized she had to get out in order to save her life. I only reached out when I knew it was "do or die".
We both had magical thinking. She thought she had some semblance of control over the outcome. She believed that he would change if she just did this, or that. I believed that I had some control over the payouts. "This machine is calling to me", push the button lightly, pat the side of the machine, etc. Neither of us had any control.
We both believed we had "good times" throughout the relationships. He was loving and caring and devoted when he wasn't losing control of his temper. I would win sometimes. But that belief that these were "good times" was an illusion. The "good times" would always eventually end with us feeling bruised and battered.
She compartmentalized her life. Kept the people who had suspicions away from the people who were clueless. Desperately tried to keep her worlds from colliding. Same here.
She became the consumate actress. "Everythings great, Mom. We are doing really well". Ditto for me.
She chased her losses. So much time and effort put into that relationship. Yup, me too.
She lived with stress, secrecy, anxiety, guilt, shame and confusion. Sound familiar?
She got out, and is now figuring out why she was in in the first place. Trying to make sure she looks for healthy people and becomes one herself in order to have a healthy relationship. I will never have a healthy relationship with gambling, because the casino was my abusive partner, and ALL casinos will be my abusive partner. But there are other healthy relationships out there waiting for me to get healthy enough to find them.
She's out. So am I.
I was the same way, thought I knew what I was doing, that the reward would eventually come and I would be driving home with this great check in hand that would make everyone say "Well, I guess it was all worth it after all!"
It will never ever be worth it.