I have some personal thoughts on addiction that I dont see represented very often in the recovery world. I know that each of us have to find our own way out of this black pit we found ourselves in. I certainly dont judge anyones method of recovery, but I have found over the last couple of years that there is plenty of judgment out there to be found.

I never counted days. I never based my progress on how long I had been able to white knuckle it. I dont believe that I am powerless until I walk into that casino.

I have been in real recovery for over two years now. When I finally reached out for help, I was as sick as an addict could be I think. I wanted to die, but couldnt kill myself. The only place I found any peace was sitting in front of a mind numbing slot machine, doing the very thing that was killing me. I make really good money, have had some really good investments and had a great retirement account. During my gambling years, I spent every penny I made and had and then stopped paying everything that didnt keep the lights on. When I stopped the madness, I had debt that I could never pay back.
When I couldnt follow through with my plan to kill myself and have it look like an accident, I reached out for help and started seeing a therapist that specialized in addiction. I tried to quit cold turkey. I gave it everything I had, but couldnt do it. I learned that the feelings of failure I felt when I relapsed threw me into a deep despair which propelled me into more gambling. I learned that when I won money, it made me want to go back even more. I could never win going there no matter what. I knew that in my head, but working my way through it slowly was a better way for me.

My therapist taught me ways to prolong the days between my gambling road blocks. She taught me that I needed to find ways to reconnect with my friends and family. She taught me that I needed to heal past wounds and rebuild my self-esteem. She helped me get some structure in my life. I worked on all of this while I was still gambling although I was able to stretch it out for weeks and then months eventually.

Even though I was still gambling sporadically, I worked on my recovery with everything I had. I put up road blocks. I freed myself from all of the secrets. I stopped lying to my family about it. I worked on my debt with an attorney. I went back out for hikes and asked people to join me. I started paying attention to my everyday life: what made me feel at ease, what made me anxious, what things did I enjoy enough to fill the time that I had spent gambling for years. I limited my access to money. I told everyone I knew at my regular casino that I would never be back (so I had to drive an hour to get to the next closest casino) and I just kept trying new things.

To be honest, I felt like total sh*t for a long time. I struggled mightily with depression. I had been an escape gambler and when I stopped using a slot machine, I had a mountain of emotions and hard things to face, and I was ill equipped to face any of it. But 2 years + out and I feel like Im starting to see the other side.

Although I have a good chunk of time behind me without gambling, I still get irritated when someone asks me how many days since my last gamble. I dont believe its an accurate measurement of recovery across the board. My progress was never wiped out when my day count went to zero. Thats why I wanted to write this post. I wanted to say that you are never a failure until you quit trying. If you placed a bet despite your best efforts to do the opposite, learn from it and keep moving forward. If counting days makes you feel like a big fat failure, then find another way to measure your progress that brings you positive feelings. Stop finding ways to beat yourself up and start finding ways to build yourself up.