Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
This is a journal entry from May 24, 2010. I gambled for 2 more years hard core. I cant believe I lived like this for 2 entire years! Im a freaking survivor! My life is not perfect right now, in fact Im dealing with some stress and sadness, but by god its a thousands times better than it was for those 2 years that I kept gambling (and digging the hole deeper). I dont ever want to forget the pain that gambling caused me.
Anyone else want to talk about the pain it caused them?
May 24, 2010
I owe mountains of credit card debt and even more to the IRS. As soon as they catch up to me my life will be mercilessly in their hands.
But worse than all of the debt and the lie of a lifestyle that I maintain is what all of this is doing to my soul. I am filled with self-loathing. I cant stand to sit quietly with myself. I literally hate myself. I hate what I have done to myself. I hate that I cant stop gambling. I hate that I lie to everyone. I hate that I cant afford to paint my home or take care of my expensive car.
The shame is unbearable so I deal with it all alone.
The stress is taking years off of my life. I wake up in the morning thinking about unpaid bills. I hear an ad on the radio about the IRS and I get physically sick to my stomach. I cant sleep and I cant enjoy everyday activities because money problems are always lurking in the back of my mind. The only time I dont think about my money problems is when Im sitting in front of a slot machine or a poker dealer.
Anyone else want to talk about the pain it caused them?
May 24, 2010
I owe mountains of credit card debt and even more to the IRS. As soon as they catch up to me my life will be mercilessly in their hands.
But worse than all of the debt and the lie of a lifestyle that I maintain is what all of this is doing to my soul. I am filled with self-loathing. I cant stand to sit quietly with myself. I literally hate myself. I hate what I have done to myself. I hate that I cant stop gambling. I hate that I lie to everyone. I hate that I cant afford to paint my home or take care of my expensive car.
The shame is unbearable so I deal with it all alone.
The stress is taking years off of my life. I wake up in the morning thinking about unpaid bills. I hear an ad on the radio about the IRS and I get physically sick to my stomach. I cant sleep and I cant enjoy everyday activities because money problems are always lurking in the back of my mind. The only time I dont think about my money problems is when Im sitting in front of a slot machine or a poker dealer.
I regret my own weakness! And even though everyone responsible for oneself, I regret (and it brings me great pain) gambling together with my husband. Now looking back, how much he was involved in it and how much he is denying his role in it, makes me sick. It causes me a great amount of pain, that after all I came to nothing at this point of my Life, when I actually want to live. I can't do anything right now, because I straight robbed myself of all my resources, including energy!
Gambling is a pain! It destroyed me completely, and I didn't even gave myself a chance to breath.
Thank you for you post and your hug Lisa!
Hug, Vicky.
I would love a time machine. It would save me so much grief if I could go back but I also think that the only way I can learn the things I have learned from dealing with this is addiction is by walking through it, agonizing pain seems to do the trick for me.... geez I'm hard headed!
You are right Jon, in my gambling days I was not making progress. I was running backwards in fact... and sitting in front of a stupid slot machine was the only "fun" I had. How pathetic is that? It's not how I want to live a life.
Also my gambling addiction and what it brought me to - is only huge, throbing pain inside of me, which is really hard to handle and then I just pretend: everything is fine and try to make myself better, so I can go through another day. It is a LOT OF PAIN!
I want to be free from this pain and I don't want to gamble ever again!
Keep telling myself One Day at a Time.