Assisi, Congratulations on 3 weeks! That is awesome! Another congratulations on not letting those impulses drive you to buy a ticket. It is so sneaky, this addiction, it tries to trick you by just the thing you said. Buying scratchers, seems so innocuous [innocent] but, what if you won? I truly think that would be the worse thing that can happen. There are some people here who can tell you what that addiction is like [scratchers], but like you that was never my bag. So don't let it start now. If you won, I really think it would drive you right back to the casino, because we have that twisted thinking. Telling ourselves things like "That means today I will be lucky". I have found that we make our own luck. If we do the work, we just keep getting luckier and luckier. Reminds me of a great quote, "the more I practice, the luckier I get", that is us, too. Our "practice" is going to GA, coming to Daily Strength and reading all we can about addiction. We can not let down our guard because this is an opportunistic addiction. It is ready to pounce when we are feeling low, or having a bad day, or have a fight with our significant other, or the big one: when we are bored. Good work on shutting down the voice, and I hope you make it to a meeting real soon. Much love, atticus

My temptations is to let myself get dissapointed in myself or others. I catch myself on setting it up sometimes, so forgiveness and peace can be disturbed. Then I have to ask for forgiveness again for letting myself get dissapointed. If I don't take care of that feeling, it leaves something similar to darkness inside and triggers me to look for escape in a place where is just a land of dissapointments for me, of course masked well under exciting anticipation of a healing miracle.
I hope there is at least one person who understood what I ment...
I did experienced dissapointment I set for myself last night and it brought very wide array of emotions to me, most of those not a positive ones...
Vicky, compulsive gambler.

It is called self sabotage Vicky. No one is better at it than me. You are so intelligent and introspective and your posts uplift us all. At least you see it and can change the channel. Jon

Vicki... I was wondering if you could explain this to me a little more. What do you mean by setting it up? Can you give an example?

I'm asking because I'm dealing with a lot of disappointment right now and I'm wondering if I'm setting that up for myself too.

Ll2life, I will explain an example what I am talking about. When I stopped this last time, I decided I will not look for bail outs and will not look for anyones help in my financial mess. I asked everyone who I could, but got a kick in my butt sort of.. I forgave myself and others, and accepted myself in where I am and accepted position of everyone who said no to me. It felt good and peacefull. Yesterday I helped one of my husbands relatives with legal problems, got really hyped up and almost got in fight. She felt appreciated and after I returned back to my asking for something.. She has two cars, and she is the only driver. I ASKED HER IF SHE CAN GIVE ME ONE OF HER CARS TO USE FOR A WHILE. I already knew what is the answer would be, but I asked!!! I expected something from someone, what I should not ask, do or expect. Of course, she said No. And I felt, how could she, whatever I did for her cost money, I did it for free and I offered to pay $350 a month for using her car. And she said no!?! I let my pride, my wanting something for almost nothing again, my judging of others to come in and dissapoint me. I promised myself not to do this anymore and still did it. I let myself expect, set myself for dissapointment and disconnection of my healthy relationship with no judgement or expectation in it. Things do get better, but I have to work on them daily.
Love, V.

I forgot to add, I prayed, asked myself for forgiveness and than called that relative to say Im sorry for bringing that conversation back and asking about the car again. I said I should not do that and should not bring dissapointment in our relationship and I respect her point and her decision. She told me: "Vicky, its ok! You don't have to appologize. If you will be in great need, you can have my car for a month or two. That is it. I let my pride and heavy, unnecessary feelings go and peace came back.
Love you all!
Have a great night, Vicky

Thank you V. I see exactly what you are saying now. I don't think I'm going through the same kind of thing but I can take away from this that you forgave yourself and made amends... two very important parts of recovery. I'm going to work on those because I think in giving ourselves forgiveness we are saying "I am worth forgiving" and lots of us addicts don't feel worthy of anything.... thank you for your message :)

L, you make such a great point here! Yes, this addiction breaks us down, and makes us feel unworthy of living, much less forgiving.

Yep, and when you feel worthless, shamefull and not forgiven, you don't want better for yourself. Thats where is that Fu.k it! coming from and its very hard to get out of the destroying cycle. Forgiveness and acceptance is like a double door to the better, out of addictive cycle.

I really hope you tell yourself "no" and follow through. You're going to have to sooner or later if you want to quit. Why not now?

Respectfully,
Ric