Hi Everybody! I'll try to make this as succinct as possible, but I feel the words just spilling out...
I stopped gambling a year ago. Have an addiction counselor, went to GA a couple of times but long story short-I was the only woman and felt really out of place. With the help of this site, the counselor, and another mentor from the gambling helpline, I was able to "get over the hump" of early withdrawals and the accompanying depression and super-storm of emotional upheaval. I though I had achieved my goal of having gambling simply not being a part of my life. In fact, I stopped posting here because it was a constant reminder of gambling, and I was actually getting triggered by having it in the forefront of my mind. As long as I wasn't thinking about it, I wasn't doing it. And it all seemed to work for a good 5 months.
A couple of weeks ago, my husband started a new job. The company had hired several new people into this group at the same time, so these guys and women decided to get together for a night of fun at the local casino with their significant others. Dinner at the buffet, then gambling.Background- My husband never knew that I had a gambling problem. He knew that I stopped going a year ago, had just told him it had run it's course for me, but he really wanted me to go and meet his new co-workers and their spouses. So, I went. Thought, it's with a group of people, won't fall back into old habits. Yeah, I can see you rolling your eyes already....
At first, I was OK. Went to eat, enjoyed the company of this new crowd, sat down at a machine next to one of them, and chatted. Well, as if to welcome me back, on the first push I won the bonus, $175 on a 1.50 bet. Then I went over to my old favorite machine, and started pushing the button. Unbeknownst to me, after a few minutes, one of my husbands new co-workers sat down next to me and started up a conversation. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HE WAS THERE. I was "zoned in", "zombied out". It wasn't until I heard him say my name, and ask me if I was OK, that I snapped out of my daze. I just smiled brightly despite my true feelings (learned that from my gambling days), said "Oh, I'm just tired, I guess!", and excused myself. I went into the restroom, looked at myself in the mirror, and started shaking. It took just *10 minutes* of being back on the casino floor for me to revert to that crazy, compulsive person I really thought I had left behind.
It reminded me of a cat we had when I was a kid. My sister had pet hamsters that the cat had never bothered. One day, we found a dead mouse at our doorstep, courtesy of our cat. From that day forward, that cat eyed up those hamsters like they were dinner. My dad had told us that once an animal gets that first taste of blood, they look at everything from that moment forward as prey. I got that taste back in those 10 minutes, and it scared the daylights out of me. I haven't changed. I just stopped gambling. Kept the hamster in the cage.
So, I left. Luckily, I had met my husband there, had my own car, and made an excuse for leaving early.
Did I lose money that night? No. But I lost, and gained, something much more valuable. I lost my illusion that I'm not crazy anymore. I gained the knowledge that I'm still so susceptible to this addiction that I could fall back into this destructive behavior in a heartbeat. I have the taste again, just like the cat. Urges that had gotten subverted have now risen again.
So, I no longer have a year GF. For a few hours, that devastated me. But now, I don't regret it. Because I learned that the illusion of being OK is as distorted as the illusion I used to have of winning at the slots.
This is such a journey, and thank you for allowing me to share my "downs" along with the "ups!"