the last couple of times I went, I didn't cry either, I was numb, I was like a robot when I was doing it, and when I finally came home, it took me a couple of days to realize what damage, emotionally and financially I had done. It scared me that I didn't even cry about it, that I seemed to be so numb. But trust me, after a couple of days, I felt it. Day 13 now, I think,,,, 4/7 was my last bet. And I know for me, that to place a bet would be detrimental, so, I don't want to, nor will I, not for today. I can see my head telling me its okay to go, that I will just go for a few hours, and then I have to push my head out of the way, real quick, and remind myself I can't gamble, its awful, I can't stop when I go, I lose all my money, I lose all respect, I lose all my time, I worry my family, I escape for hours, days, nothing else matters to me. And to be true, I don't even care about the win, I go to escape, and when I escape I lose myself, its not fun, its not healthy. I might as well reach over to the guy next to me at the store and give him a blank check, because if I decide to go again, that is what I will be doing. I hope you "click" with the fact that to place a bet, to go to a casino and to gamble IS NOT AN OPTION, ever, not today, and I pray, not tomorrow. Its an addiction, that needs to be arrested, treat yourself to recovery, and remember, when your head tells you, you can gamble, its the addiction talking, DON"T listen to it. Hugs.

Dear Charmed - So glad you came back and let us know of your fall. You are not a terrible person. You are in the gripes of an addiction that wants to pull you down to the depths of despair, if you allow it to. No, it is not God's fault, you are right. It is not really your fault in the sense that it is an addiction. You didn't ask to be addicted, it just happened. It is the life that you were dealt, just like us. Yes, it does suck, but you can also grow tremendously in recovery.

You need to put all the stops in place, so that if you do stumble and fall and you go gamble again, you don't have access to $2,100 to lose. I know it is hard, but you have to do it to protect yourself from this addiction. It is stronger than you, than any of us!!! Please, please, do not go back to try to win that $2,100 back. It is gone!

I went back after being gf for over 30 days, but I no longer have access to check cashing, debit cards, credit cards, etc., so my loss was very small, just the cash I had, which wasn't alot. But still angry at myself for going in the first place. But I have been where you are - losing hundreds and thousands in a few short days. No more! I will not allow my sick self to have access to any larger amount of cash, to protect myself, and my recovery! Please do the same for yourself!

You can do this, I know you can. You are a beautiful person, and you will gain strength as you carry through the steps to make your life gf. God, as well as us, will be there to encourage you!

Thank you for coming back and being honest! Don't beat yourself up. Just recognize that the disease is still very active and it will only win if you fail to take the actions necessary to slay it!!!!

I'm proud of you for coming back, you are lot a terrible person, not at all. You are strong enough to admit it, you are strong enough to see the addiction and what it does to you. You can do this, do this with me, please. Stay on line, keep writing and reading the other entries. Please do this with me, I need you, we are all in this together, xoxo.

Charmed. Hang in there today. Welcome back.
John

Glad you came back. This is a process. I remember when I quit smoking. Took 5-6 times before I finally quit for good.

Day 1 is all you need to build a new and strong foundation. Thank goodness you came right back here- very happy you did.
The way you described what happened reminds me very much of my last days- just blindly going and wasting my money, mostly borrowed and my life away. In some ways, I think that was me finding my bottom, and cementing my resolve. I had tried to stop about 8 or 9 months before I finally did, but it still had that allure and draw for me, at the end it just wasn't fun anymore- like a job or an obligation and that along with everything else compulsive gambling brings with it- lying and lack of money, etc. really got me to just say- "enough."
I truly hope this is the same feeling you've gotten and I know you can do it, take it one day at a time, even one minute at a time and don't gamble.
Jay

welcome back, charmed.........holidays are famous playing days for gamblers.

you're past it now. it happened, can't be changed.

It's a new day, you can have a new start, and put the things you've already learned into place.

I appreciate your honesty. Now, have a good, gamble-free day. one day at a time...........

Good morning, charm!

I hope you had some sleep and rest you needed.

As hard as it is, today is a new day. Its a perfect day to start again.

love,
victoria

Charm--this addiction is very powerful..it will take away every penny you have. Do something drastic.. go to a ga meeting.. self exclude if you have not.. I think redder told me this.. when your resolve is high.. take action.. if I would have.. it would have saved me.. 6000.00.

Don't give up.. keep at it.. you r worth fighting for.