The part of your mind that wants to gamble is still strong and that is why you blame him, a barrier to your addiction. I believe all you need is more clean time and this will start to diminish. I have 9 months and I access my mind at about 60-40 not wanting to gamble. Just enough so it is bearable but it is gaining ground the more I stay away. But my guess is my level of addiction was so high because I have been in action most of my life,with brief intervals abstaining. Just give yourself a chance, a hobby you love, a good book, a movie to get away from it all,ANYTHING but the drug itself and this will pass. Right now it is more I do not want to gamble than I can not gamble. I have the money, the time, but not the burning desire. I thank God for the chance and the strength to stay every day.

For me, I had hit such a low rock bottom, that I did not want to gamble again. I had thoughts to gamble and urges to gamble, but I wanted to not gamble more than I wanted to. Some credit here, to my counselor who directed me to write out a relapse prevention plan within the first two weeks of abstinence. This plan included all of the things that might trigger me and a plan of doing something other than gambling for each trigger.
We compulsive gamblers, literally have worn a trench in our brains that signals to gamble and signals while gambling, have made over the time that we gambled. Doing something other than gambling when we have an urge or even a thought to gamble gives not only helps to change the behavior, but physically changes our brains. Mindfulness, meditation, artwork, exercise, all make new neural pathways in our brains' hardwiring. For me, it took close to 30 years of gambling to create that trench in my brain. I have only been building new pathways for 10 months, but my brain knows now that there are other options.
As far as wanting to be alone while gambling, for me it was essential to the "Calgon, take me away" fantasy that I sought. I sought to totally escape, forget about life, love, money, everything. (Except me and MY MACHINE) It always ended the same way - sort of like bad lovemaking, your brain thinks "this will be great", but you are left unfulfilled and empty.
Seeking to isolate is both a symptom of compulsive gambling and a symptom that we have issues/feelings to deal with, that we have not yet come to terms with. Our inner gambler does not want to quit, and does not want to face reality. It is hard to know if the desire to isolate came first or second in my gambling addiction. I suspect mine came first as I have a history of other addictions and running away/isolating has been my only coping skill for most of my life.
I have learned in treatment that personal growth does not happen in isolation. We need others to help us think clearly and to regain the connectedness that we all crave, but have looked for in all the wrong places. Gambling, creates the illusion of being part of something, like the local bar for an alcoholic creates the illusion of family/friends.
But it is through being painfully honest with others about our inner-most feelings that we achieve real growth. Once I began to be honest with others and myself, I began expose myself, and my inner thoughts, is when I began to find the courage and the will to change. It did not just happen at 30, 60, 90, or 120 days, it was a process and still is.
It takes effort and work to learn your triggers, needs and values, and then more time to learn how to respond to each and how to truly take care of yourself.

Thank you for the encouragement and insight. Today was much better. Praying for more good days.

Also, I forgot to mention that after a lifetime of bottling up emotions, of which, gambling was a tool to help me do so, the early first, 1-4 months of abstinence was a flood of emotions. It leveled off for me in the fourth month or so.
But for me, just quitting wasn't enough to set me free. With the help of a face to face support group, counseling, and inner child therapy and an attitude of willingness and open-mindedness to try anything and everything, is what it took for me to get past the burning desire to gamble every time I had an unwanted emotion.
The problem with anesthetizing our emotions is we can't pick to just medicate against the unpleasant ones, we anesthetize against the good and pleasant emotions too, we end up feeling nothing,
Hugs and Prayers

I am really happy for you, not giving in to the urge and getting more time away from gambling. Each time you say no, that "no" becomes a new mental pathway and it gets easier each time. I also liked to go to the casino alone and the main reason was because I was an addict. No one to tell me after a couple hours, it's time to go home. Sometimes my husband would drop me off at the casino and he'd go to a movie because he didn't like to gamble. I would dread him coming back and wanting for us to go home, especially if I had "warmed up" a slot machine with lots of cash and it hadn't paid me back anything yet. So eventually I just started driving myself there so no one to spoil my fun.

Let me start by saying, "I have a wonderful husband." A few months ago I had to finally tell him what was going on with my addiction. He was very upset, but we were going to beat this thing together. The dept now had to be paid off. We took a loan against the house and paid off credit cards. 20K. Ugggg. How did this happen in two years My need to be alone. The depression was driving me to isolate myself. The lose of a love one was mentally torturing and I didn't want to think anymore. I made myself numb. I was such a brat too. If I couldn't gamble I was moody. It changed my entire personality. Then I had to pretend I was in the moment of living, which I was not I was thinking of being somewhere else.
When I told my husband, he already knew. He had guessed that I was always somewhere else.
You would think I would be happy to have a wonderful husband that took over my money, (my idea) that helped bail me out of this problem. Nope I was mad at him. He was spoiling my fun. I was angry that I was working and had to hand over all money. I was angry that he was always checking up on me like I was a kid. I was reduced to a person he could not trust. Me, the most trust worth person had lost all his trust. That was the worst thing and I had to tell him how angry I was at him. The addiction makes us do and act insane. There is no logic to being mad at the person that you love the most.
Once I told him of my illogical thinking he helped me with that too.

While you are learning a new way to be, don't make quick decisions about your personal relationships. You are not thinking clearly. Don't say things you don't really mean, your head is foggy right now.

In a way I still want to blame someone for the mess I am in, after all I am too smart to have done this myself. Blame is all mine, but I have to think logically and behave in a way that is sane. One day at a time.

Hugs

Quit4good said something that is hitting me." personal growth does not happen in isolation."

That is what happen, my person growth was stunted. I was a news junky, a reader, a involved with life type person. The addiction did not allow me to grow mentally. Physically, yes. Gained 30 lbs, setting and eating junk.

I want me mental sharpness back.