I hear you!I make 100 if not more in tips a day(waitress)and I cant seem to save one dime of them!Its like I cant keep it in my pocket..I work so damn hard for that money and it takes me 8 hours of hard work to make it..and in less than an hour most days they are gone..Its sick really,I will put 10 dollars of gas in my car because I need money to gamble.My thought process is all screwed up.

I also feel your pain of lonliness..I have all but cut myself off from people who do things that do not centre around gambling..I tell myself what a loner I am but in truth its like living a life of barely living,,get up work 8 hours,gamble,go to bed and rinse lather repeat..same old everyday nothing new except the increase of stress!

Yes, this is all too common (I believe). It led me to drinking, then gambling. I just exchanged one addiction for the other.
I don't know if I think of it as emptiness. For me it is more about not fitting in, or just wanting to be accepted. The thing is, I never accepted myself.
It was the feeling of not being comfortable in my own skin. I guess I always wished I were someone else. One of the gals at my meeting has a good saying "I was always comparing my insides with other people's outsides". -It resonates with me.
It's very hard to be aware and present. It's something I was not comfortable with. That is why I read, read, read read,read. I found DS, I found GA. I discovered that this searing disappointment was not uncommon. I learned to be appreciative and grateful. Even when it felt like there was nothing to be grateful about. I feel you, Sabine.
Hugs, ~E

I think as addicts we really need to guard against switching addictions. I can be addicted to anything OTHER THAN what is good for me! I can shop until I drop but I cannot get addicted to going to the gym! Trying to fill that void is tough. I am not sure who said it but in a recent post they talked about just going with the feelings that come. Don't try to escape them. That is what we did when we went to the Casino. Being numb is only postponing our pain. Go with it, confess it, work through it, journal it, talk it out with a trusted friend but don't avoid it or distract from it. That is only putting it off until a later date when it will come back with a vengeance.

thanks everyone. It helps hearing everyone else's version and finding pieces of myself in them- knowing I am not alone.

Definitely. I think it's actually like a grieving process. When we get hooked into compulsive gambling it really becomes a big part of our life. In some ways the prepping to gamble and the after effects take a larger part than the actual gambling itself. The lies, the worries, the "dance" needed to rob Peter to pay Paul, etc. takes way more time than heading out to the casino or whatever to throw your money away. In any case, once that's gone, it's gone and you have a bit of a hole in your life and it's a loss. See below for the 7 stages of grief, not specific to recovering from addiction, but I can see myself in all of these stages and while it speaks to the loss of a loved one, I believe we can all replace the loss of gambling and see ourselves.
Hang tough!
Jay

7 Stages of Grief...

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

7 Stages of Grief...

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

7 stages of grief...

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

wow. the 7 stages of grief. last night, I couldn't sleep, because I felt like I've lost a good friend. and after tossing and turning, it dawned on me: I'm missing gambling! isn't that amazing....so thanks for the stages....Everyone have a great, gamble-free day today.

Jayd03 - This is just so awesome to see this post. I had tried to message Sabine last night that I thought it was a part of grieving and for whatever the reason, it didn't go through. So, I got on here did my journal and then went to redo my message to her.

I know you have some time in recovery, so this just helps to feel my thinking is not all screwed up. When I look at each of these stages, I can easily put gambling in each stage.

Orchestrating my next gambling session took up a huge amount of my mental time. Hoarding the money, planning the right time, the lies I would have to tell, what machines I could play, how I could delay paying one thing, because I just knew I would win that and more (more lies), how I would increase my bet as my winnings increased (yeah, right). On and on and on I would obsess, plan, plot, scramble, distress and cry.

I am no longer doing any of that, so there is a void. I try to fill that void by coming here, reading, reflecting and posting. I would much rather fill my mind on what I can do next to kick this thing, than to plan another trip. Is it easy, sometimes yes, sometimes no.

There is also the very real loss of the dopamine and seratonin jumps in our brains when we are gambling, and planning our session. Merely thinking about it can raise our dopamine levels. So there really can be a type of physical withdrawal. We miss those "highs".

Wishing everyone a good day!

yes,
physical, psychological and spiritual withdrawal.
all are affected.
do we need to address each one, probably over time.

I just know with all my mental faculties and knowledge available that I gambled to escape feeling pain and loss and that I relapsed because I was bored and lonely. Bored and lonely took me right back to the old way of dealing with the painful feelings.

Do we need to address the feelings we were escaping, yes, I believe we do. Not overwhelmingly but with a slow and steady pace of learning to recognize the feelings and then learning new COPING SKILLS.

Any treatment program for any addiction will tell you that you need to learn new ways to handle the pain and suffering that took you to the addiction, new activities and new ways of looking at how you REACT to old usually unfamiliar (since we've avoided them) feelings.

Coping skills are simply ways to calm yourself down, learn to take correct action and responses to stress, ways to get outside of yourself and become centered on better choices and other people.

All of this doesn't happen over night and is not always easy but so very doable.
Remember all of the trouble and energy you put into gambling ???
I went to the greatest lengths to gamble like a pro, I was supergambler, ususally more than one machine at a time.

I don't want that status anymore,
I want to be successful in life and living and being of service to others.
Way more beneficial and way more meaningful.

ps.
Just what can we say we contributed to society and our selfworth and purpose in life by gambling.
Zip, zero.

I can relate. When I felt disappointed, worried, anxious, or frustrated, gambling was the right "fix". It was soothing. And then I would have big wins and give them all back and then take out more money from the ATM. I realize now that it was because that was how I proved to myself that I had every right to feel negative feelings, if that makes sense. It was almost like any time I felt bad about myself, I went to the casino just to confirm those feelings. Now that I am starting recovery, one thing I keep reminding myself of is that I have every right to be happy and I have every right to choose happiness.

yes,
mabdrew,
we compulsive gamblers must wonder if we aren't addicted to losing.
That is why counselors and books will suggest looking into why you went and your past etc.

I have been looking back for too long and too hard.

right now I simply want to look at each day and think..........

what can I do today to keep from gambling
what can I do today to keep active and constructively busy
what can I do today to help someone else and get out of MY head
what can I do today to reaffirm my committment to NOT gamble
what can I do today to formulate a new plan for living gamble free
what can I do today to try to become closer to my higher power

these things will keep your mind and body busy and focused on everything and ANYTHING but gambling.
your mind is working against you ON THIS,
remember the dopamine and the bad habit you have trained your mind to want want want this.
You must now go through a cleansing program and a habit changing and spiritual awakening to get rid of the darkness and infestation you have let into your mind and soul.

Formulate your plan
and stick to it,
if you go down on one knee (relapse)
sometime,
pick yourself back up,
stronger & firmer
and keep going,
to go back is to face death
to go back is to face ruin
to go back is to face destruction
of your mind, body and soul.

Don't go back.

That is so true, thenewway. You are so right about our minds playing against us. Part of what makes gambling addiction difficult is that we can rationalize everything, including thinking about all the big wins we had in the past, and how when we get the next one, we will stop. Many times I would drive to the casino and tell myself that. And there were times where 10 minutes into playing I was already up several hundred. But it was never enough. I look back and see that no win was ever enough to stop. Wins made my mind think: "Okay, I'll just play $100". And then when that was lost "okay, $100 more" and so on and so on until the winnings were gone, starting a cycle of chasing losses, etc.

I had to realize that no win was ever enough because this was never about going to a casino to get rich, it was about going to a casino to numb my emotions. And winning just meant more time escaping whatever was hurting me.

Mabdrew, welcome! You are truly in a brighter place by coming here, reading and posting. Yes, I try to be as brutally honest with myself as possible. I don't want to stay in this pit of despair I put myself in. Abstaining is not enough, I need to grow, otherwise I will not be able to keep abstaining!! So glad you found us!