Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
ok...so I self-excluded in my state (Pennsylvania) 2 weeks ago. Been fine since. I have a friend in Jersey who I meet in AC every few months (she doesn't gamble much), so I thought I would be ok to go Sunday. Did I actually think I would not gamble??
Anyway, we had dinner and drinks..gambled a little. I was going to leave the next morning but it was snowing so I stayed an extra night.
Long story short...I lost a lot.....thousands. More than I ever lost before. The thing is, I didn't have that horrible feeling driving home today. I had a good time with my friend (she left Sunday night since she lives in Jersey), and even though it was a disaster financially, in a bizarre way I sort of enjoyed staying in the hotel, having all my food and drinks comped..
Tomorrow starts Lent...I know I won't gamble for the next 40 days and have no plans to go back to AC, but I still should feel worse than I do.
What is going on with me?? Am I still in denial??
Anyway, we had dinner and drinks..gambled a little. I was going to leave the next morning but it was snowing so I stayed an extra night.
Long story short...I lost a lot.....thousands. More than I ever lost before. The thing is, I didn't have that horrible feeling driving home today. I had a good time with my friend (she left Sunday night since she lives in Jersey), and even though it was a disaster financially, in a bizarre way I sort of enjoyed staying in the hotel, having all my food and drinks comped..
Tomorrow starts Lent...I know I won't gamble for the next 40 days and have no plans to go back to AC, but I still should feel worse than I do.
What is going on with me?? Am I still in denial??
I think recognizing it as a blip and just renewing your commitment to moving forward and being Gamble Free is the only thing you can do- and not beat yourself up about it as what is done is done.
Good luck and all the best to you.
I have talked to several people that this has happened for. Some here on DS, some in "real" life. The thing is, this is a progressive addiction. I don't know if you go to GA or not, but there is a part in the reading that goes, "All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals-usually brief-were inevitably followed by still less control," and "In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse". -From what I understand the progressive nature of this illness means that we do not gamble like when we began, but like when we left off, PLUS MORE!. The nature of the disease is such that we gamble as though we had been gambling all along.
Here is what I am truly afraid of -the same thing that you just experienced and even worse -to win. When will I ever stop then? Will I make it back here? Not to mention GA.
I really can't afford to go back. Not only in a monetary sense, but even more in a spiritual sense.
I'm really glad that you had a good time. I just hope it doesn't lull you into a false sense of the "yets". love and hugs, ~atticus
I am so glad that you had a wonderful time.
I am sorry that you lost, but you know us compulsive gamblers,
we never quit.
I am afraid that you may start to feel bad later.
I hope not but I also hope that you keep your Lenten promises.
I am sure you will because I've seen your strength and faith.
I totally understand what atticus is saying about the progressiveness of this disease. I am sure if you remember that you will be fine and stick with the recovery.
God Bless you and Happy Lent and Easter.
Interesting post about the progressiveness of this disease.
Each of us reach our rock bottom at different points in our lives and our gambling careers. You already have stated that you didn't think you had reached rock bottom because you haven't lost everything. You do not have to lose everything to reach rock bottom. I hope that you don't.
Please take this in the spirit of caring, as I truly do care about you and hope that you can find the answers you are looking for.
I have found for myself that I really need to be gut level honest about this, or I will never recover.
If you haven't seen, I really gleam information from people's posts. This is what I have gleamed from yours. . . .
"Did I actually think I would not gamble?? " Of course you KNEW you would gamble. You always have when you go to AC. Your friend doesn't gamble much, so you thought you would not either. However, the disease had different plans for you, as soon as you said "yes". Plans like these don't just fall into place. Your disease knew you were going to AC, so it sat in wait. You had access to "thousands of dollars" to feed the devil.
"Long story short...I lost a lot.....thousands. More than I ever lost before." Fact: As Atticus said, it is a progressive disease. Only you know if you could really afford to lose that.
". . . .in a bizarre way I sort of enjoyed staying in the hotel, having all my food and drinks comped." I think we all like being taken care of and treated special. It is nice to get away from the day to day job of living. Fact: Your hotel, food and drinks were not free. You paid for them with all the losses you incurred before. You paid for them yourself, you just don't realize it. It is the casino's way of making you feel special so you keep coming back. Be prepared for those offers to come to you once again to tempt you. Possibly along with this, was the feeling of being a "big shot" as they say in the GA combo book. It is not everyone that can get their rooms, food and drinks paid for. I invite you to explore this.
"Tomorrow starts Lent...I know I won't gamble for the next 40 days and have no plans to go back to AC, but I still should feel worse than I do." Fact: One day at a time we take our recovery. You felt like you lost your best friend when you excluded yourself. Your addiction now knows it can go to AC and still thrive within you. So, possibly deep down you feel some relief that you know you can find your "old friend" after all if you need to. This will continue to be a struggle until you fully address it.
Please do not be offended. These are the steps I had to take in looking at my own life. I don't believe you are in denial. I think like so many of us, you just have not accepted the 1st step and until you do, the beast will be in charge.
Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over gambling -- that our lives had become unmanageable.
Please keep coming back and reading. Only you can decide if you are really ready to say good bye to the beast and start using that money for better things . . . your business, your retirement, paying off your mortgage, etc.
I will continue to say prayers for you and all of us that are suffering as a result of gambling!