To me ... Forgiving yourself is not about saying what you did was okay. It's about saying I am not perfect, I've made mistakes but I deserve to be loved. I deserve the chance to do better.

Ditto Lisa. Well said!

Ditto from me too!
Well stated, Lisa
Jay

sqlt71,

I SO struggled with that in the beginning. I didn't feel worthy of forgiveness, from myself or anyone else. I was a liar, a thief of sorts, an opportunist, a destroyer. I felt the victims deserved all the sympathy and support. I was so filled with guilt and shame and didn't deserve anything but to be destroyed,as I had been so destructive. Just the idea of forgiving myself made me feel guilty.

What finally got through to me is that someone asked me this simple question. "If this were your child, your husband , your parent, would you forgive them? Or would you want them to just destroy themselves over the guilt?" Of course, my answer was "Yes, I would forgive them, and desperately want them to get healthy again."

You HAVE to think of forgiving yourself as the first step in getting healthy again, and if that first step isn't taken no journey can begin! Otherwise, you won't feel worthy of getting better. And you ARE worthy.

I know you're probably thinking that it's easy for me to tell you to forgive yourself, after all, I'm just an internet person who hasn't been affected by your gambling, no skin off my nose if you forgive yourself. And you would be right in a way, I haven't accumulated debt or bounced checks because of your gambling. But, I AM someone who had deep seated guilt that held me back from getting healthy for a long time. This may sound crude, but I know that once I stopped FEELING like a piece of crap, then I stopped acting like one!

You will be a better person, a clearer person, an honest person, the person you ARE deep down and want to be all the way to the surface. But you need to forgive yourself to get there...

Forgive and forget? NO! Forgive and remember? Most definitely! All of these responses are so right-on to the core of our recovery. Resolve2 mentions the amount of time it took for her to find forgiveness for herself....and oh so many of us can echo those same sentiments! But her words and those of others speak the truth...you cannot and will not begin your healthy road to recovery, until you find that place in your heart, where you begin to forgive yourself for being imperfect.

It does not come easy, but you will get there, Sglt, and we will do it together, with each others help and support.

be well, stay strong and stay the course!

Love Tagg

Just wanted to add this message to the discussion.

Learn to Forgive Yourself - Just as we ask forgiveness from others, we must be able to forgive ourselves. One woman wrote, 'I finally am sober, and even enjoying it. I am definitely not a quick study. I vowed that I would someday let you know that all the help I received was not in vain. When I finished treatment, I was dry for a year and went to meetings, but that was all. I wouldn't talk to anybody. I never called my sponsor, because I didn't trust her. 'Although I felt better being dry , I was angry about being an alcoholic, and I didn't know how to live sober. I felt like I had a curse put on me. I would listen to people at meetings and I believed they had a disease, but that I was just a bad person. That was really sick and insane thinking. 'I couldn't shake it and I couldn't stand living with myself sober, so it was inevitable that I was going to drink again. I don't know why I got another chance. Many people never make it back. Why me? Well, why not me? Maybe I do deserve it after all. 'It's terrible not to be able to forgive yourself. While I did many things that I regret, I can't exactly pinpoint what it was that was so unforgivable. Why are we so hard on ourselves? Nobody ever really had to punish me, because I did the job so much better on myself than anyone else could.' The inability to forgive yourself can stand in the way of your recovery whether it be from alcoholism, drug addiction or from compulsive gambling.

Peace with the Past

Even God cannot change the past.
--Agathon

Holding on to the past, either through guilt, longing, denial, or resentment, is a waste of valuable energy - energy that can be used to transform today and tomorrow.

"I used to live in my past," said one recovering woman. "I was either trying to change it, or I was letting it control me. Usually both.

"I constantly felt guilty about things that had happened. Things I had done; things others had done to me - even though I had made amends for most everything, the guilt ran deep. Everything was somehow my fault. I could never just let it go.

"I held on to anger for years, telling myself it was justified. I was in denial about a lot of things. Sometimes, I'd try to absolutely forget about my past, but I never really stopped and sorted through it; my past was like a dark cloud that followed me around, and I couldn't shake clear of it. I guess I was scared to let it go, afraid of today, afraid of tomorrow.

I've been recovering now for years, and it has taken me almost as many years to gain the proper perspective on my past. I'm learning I can't forget it; I need to heal from it. I need to feel and let go of any feelings I still have, especially anger.

"I need to stop blaming myself for painful events that took place, and trust that everything has happened on schedule, and truly all is okay. I've learned to stop regretting, and to start being grateful.

"When I think about the past, I thank God for the healing and the memory. If something occurs that needs an amend, I make it and am done with it. I've learned to look at my past with compassion for myself, trusting that my Higher Power was in control, even then.

"I've healed from some of the worst things that happened to me. I've made peace with myself about these issues, and I've learned that healing from some of these issues has enabled me to help others to heal too. I'm able to see how the worst things helped form my character and developed some of my finer points.

"I've even developed gratitude for my failed relationships because they have brought me to who and where I am today.

"What I've learned has been acceptance - without guilt, anger, blame, or shame. I've even had to learn to accept the years I spent feeling guilty, angry, shameful, and blaming."

We cannot control the past. But we can transform it by allowing ourselves to heal from it and by accepting it with love for others and ourselves. I know, because that woman is me.

Today, I will begin being grateful for my past. I cannot change what happened, but I can transform the past by owning my power, now, to accept, heal, and learn from it.


From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

Thank you!

KenL,

Great share, my friend....bodes well for the saying "The best is yet to be!"

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I am a firm believer that we are our own worst enemy when it comes to punishing ourselves; by living in the past, we impose a life-sentence of guilt, shame and worthlessness upon ourselves. Imprisoned for LIFE without the possibility of parole! That was like a death sentence for me! As soon as I got out of my own way, and learned the art of forgiveness, realized the teaching opportunity before me....it all finally began to make sense.

Thanks again....keep sharing more good reads.....they are awesome!

Love, Tagg