Theres this one casino, about 15 minutes from my house. I used to make that trip at least 3 times a week. I had 2 bank accounts at different banks. I get paid on Friday, so I would always write myself a hot check into one account on Thursday and go and then I would do that again on Friday and go again. Before my paycheck even hit my bank account, I would have spent about half of it at that casino. I would then figure out what bills I had to pay to keep the lights on and spend the rest of the money (sometimes more) before the weekend was up. I remember feeling relief when it was all spent and I knew I couldnt go anymore that week.
During my 7 year gambling career I went through all of the phases. By year 6, it got to the point where I didnt even cry after going. I just felt a deep numbness. I couldnt sleep at night, worried about bill collectors and keeping food on the table for my family. Sometimes, extra expenses would come up (like one of my beloved pets needing to go to the vet) and I would have to first be sick over whether I REALLY needed to take them in and then I would have to bargain with the vet to write a post dated check for the payment (that was embarrassing). I stopped paying car insurance and health insurance.
I work from home. My office is over the garage and I have windows that look out onto my country property. I live down a dead end gravel road. There are only 2 houses past mine so there is very little traffic. It should be so peaceful. Every single day, when I would hear the crunch of gravel, I would jump up out of my seat and run to the window and peek out. I was always so afraid of it being a process server. They had come to my house 3 times in the past. I was literally on edge every single moment and unable to just focus on work.
I have this huge garden tub in my bathroom. I love to take long baths. When I was in full fledged raging gambling junky mode I could not tolerate a long bath. All I could do was lay there and think about the mess I had gotten myself into. My mind would try to calculate ways to get out of it, ways to calm myself down from the panic I felt. I would try to read a book but would find myself distracted by the stress I felt inside. I think aged 10 years in those 2 years.
I literally had no peace of mind at any time EXCEPT when I was sitting in front of a machine. Then I was thinking about nothing else.
Those last 2 years where spent in desperation/hopelessness mode. I quit paying any bills that didnt have to be paid. For those 2 years, I wasnt chasing losses. I wasnt trying to get help. I had surrendered to the thought that I would never be able to quit and that I would just die gambling. I was waiting to die waiting for everything to catch up to me, living without any peace of mind ALL THE WHILE pretending to everyone around me that everything was okay. I secretly hoped I would get some incurable disease and if that didnt happen I had planned out my suicide. I was going to make it look like an accident so that my family could collect enough life insurance to pay off my debts. My only escape at that time was that damn casino.
There was no one thing that pulled me out of this darkness. What happened was, bills caught up with me. Lawsuits were filed and ignored and my bank account started getting levied. I figured this was the starting of the end for me and it would soon be time to carry out my plan and I looked into my childrens faces and didnt really want to die. So I picked up the phone and called for help. It felt like when I was a kid and I would jump off the high dive. I would stand on the edge of the platform and be sick at my stomach over jumping. I would just count to 3 and jump. I did that with that phone call that day. I just counted to 3 and jumped.
I havent been back to that casino thats 15 minutes from my house since July 4th. Funny that that is Independence Day! Although I have moments of panic and stress, they dont run my life anymore. I have a lot of down days where I want to stay in bed. But when Im lying in bed I can relax even though I have hundreds of thousands of dollars to pay back. I have relationships to repair. I may lose my house. I am choosing to walk in the land of the living again and facing reality. I am going through a sort of rebirth.
This is my story so far. I am far from out of the woods. I still struggle and that addict voice still tries to get one over on me all the time. With time, that voice is getting weaker and weaker. I hope that I always remember the pain of what this addiction took from me for so many years and that when Im in those moments of just one more time I can feel that pain and stay away. I hope for each and everyone of you that you can stay away too.