Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
Was 4 weeks GF and then...
Today I was supposed to meet my friends at 4pm to go to a house warming.
At about 2pm, I left home with my credit card (because we had to buy a gift, so just in case - and recently I have tried not to carry my credit card with me) to go donate some clothes. My plan was to go back home after donating, to just prep for 4pm.
But the urge became too strong. I'll admit the urge had re-surfaced over the last few days, but I couldn't do anything really as I never had my credit card on me.......until now.
I decided to rush to the casino. I withdrew $900 and off I went. I got there at 2:40pm, and couldn't find a free table, so squeezed into one (I hate doing that). I also hate playing when someone takes up a lot of space next to me, which happened, yet I still played anyway.
My plan was to win $300 which I had spent earlier in the week. That was it, and then I'd go home. However, I ended up losing my self control and all of my $900. In like 30 mins. I felt like shit. I really hated myself. Why did I let myself do it? Why did I fall back into it after 4 weeks? Why now? Shouldn't I have learnt by now that nothing good comes out of gambling?
I left the casino feeling depleted and depressed. But I had no time to absorb it and feel sorry for myself as I would see my friends soon and had to pretend I was upbeat about everything.
That was another hard thing to do - pretending life was normal 30 mins ago when I had just blown $900. If they ever knew, I would feel so ashamed.
I feel so dirty right now. I want to just crawl in a hole and never come out.
I hate myself.
Today I was supposed to meet my friends at 4pm to go to a house warming.
At about 2pm, I left home with my credit card (because we had to buy a gift, so just in case - and recently I have tried not to carry my credit card with me) to go donate some clothes. My plan was to go back home after donating, to just prep for 4pm.
But the urge became too strong. I'll admit the urge had re-surfaced over the last few days, but I couldn't do anything really as I never had my credit card on me.......until now.
I decided to rush to the casino. I withdrew $900 and off I went. I got there at 2:40pm, and couldn't find a free table, so squeezed into one (I hate doing that). I also hate playing when someone takes up a lot of space next to me, which happened, yet I still played anyway.
My plan was to win $300 which I had spent earlier in the week. That was it, and then I'd go home. However, I ended up losing my self control and all of my $900. In like 30 mins. I felt like shit. I really hated myself. Why did I let myself do it? Why did I fall back into it after 4 weeks? Why now? Shouldn't I have learnt by now that nothing good comes out of gambling?
I left the casino feeling depleted and depressed. But I had no time to absorb it and feel sorry for myself as I would see my friends soon and had to pretend I was upbeat about everything.
That was another hard thing to do - pretending life was normal 30 mins ago when I had just blown $900. If they ever knew, I would feel so ashamed.
I feel so dirty right now. I want to just crawl in a hole and never come out.
I hate myself.
I'm always afraid of doing what you did. The thought that I can go there and make money crosses my mind quite a bit. Sometimes the urge is strong. I understand how you slipped. It's like having one foot in the casino and one on a banana peel. That pull it has over us is powerful.
Take what you've learned in the past gf 4 weeks+ and try to use that to stay away. Have you thought of self banning? I'm always asking that because in order for me to have gotten this many gf days behind me(112) now, I had to self ban from 7 casinos. That is the main reason I have made it.
Don't beat yourself up or hate yourself, we are here for you and understand like no one else does.
Stay Strong
Hugs
Lisa
Here's one thing to learn- when you get that urge, don't rationalize only $300, or whatever- reach out to someone- whether here or someone close and let someone know that you're thinking of going out.
We're here to help and I gotta think there could also be someone close to you to help walk you back from the edge.
If you know you're a compulsive gambler, you gotta know that there is no just this amount or just that amount- $1 is too much and $1,000,000 is not enough.
Jay
(((BIG HUG))) I know how it feels...I have done the same thing many, many times. I even would wait until after midnight so it's a "new day" and could take more cash advances on my credit card. Or, I'd leave them at home and drive home & get them & return to the casino as fast as I could. Only to lose & hate myself so much I couldn't sleep.
Maybe since you've been feeling the urge more lately in the last couple days you could use that as a "warning sign" next time you need to do shopping or bring your credit card with you. Like Lisa & Jay said, use it as a learning experience. That's the only way to beat this addiction, one day at a time, one triumph at a time. It's like you have to be 1 step ahead planning-wise of that junkie addiction talking to you ya know? Sooo...that said, what would you do different next time in the same situation? Maybe shop online or just carry the amount you plan to spend on a gift? You know what's best for you to avoid this in the future.
I havn't self-banned myself but many GF friends on here have and it works for them. It's an option available to you. Or, maybe post on here next time when you are feeling stronger than normal urges and maybe we can help talk you out of it before you make the decision to go.
Hang in there okay and try not to beat yourself up too bad. We're here for ya!
Cathy
4+ months GF
lisa - I haven't self banned because there are times when friends want to go to the casino, and I don't want to reveal that I self banned. I am ok when I go with friends as I don't gamble at all, it is only when I go there by myself that I lose it.