I am the wife of a compulsive gambler. I'm not sure which place (group, discussion, etc.) is the right one for me but this is the one I am on so I will begin here.
A little back story:
I have known my husband for a little over 8 years now, 6 years ago we began to date and shortly after that we moved in together. Just last year we got married. We have 3 children, all from previous relationships, and 2 of them are still at home.
Our oldest, now 18, suffers from ADHD and bi-polar disorder. It began to get really bad by the age of 13 and by 15 he had become a threat to himself and the other children in our home. We rallied our friends and family and got him into a therapeutic setting where he was able to learn the skills he would need to live a normal life and, I am happy to say that today he is doing very well and living on his own.
Our middle child has shown signs of being a little "off" since she was about 6. At the age of 8 she was diagnosed with ADD. Having been through it before, we were quick to begin the process of finding a medication that was right for her. Now, at a lovely 13 (ugh) she is getting worse. We recently had a psychiatric evaluation done with her that indicated OCD and anxiety disorders.
The youngest is 6 and seems to be doing well.
So, maybe you can see why I didn't notice until a few months ago that my husband had a problem of his own.
In January he received a large payment from a trust fund that had matured. We made a ton of plans but the first was to get out of debt. We paid off student loans, the car, the credit cards, everything we could. We got it to the point that all that was left was the house. The trust was large enough to pay our original debt a few times over and I wondered what happened to the rest, but since we were newly married and it was "his" money I left it alone. Besides, we were in a great place financially and we even set aside $15,000 in a joint savings account in case of emergency. It was our very first co-mingling of money and although I did have access to the account I never touched it, didn't even look at the balance. I was confident that all was in place since we didn't have any large purchases or emergencies.
My husband had been working late, something he does have to do on a fairly regular basis. But around March or so "late" went from coming home around 7pm to crawling in bed at 3 and 4am. I had no reason at all to suspect anything deceitful was going on, so I simply didn't. I actually felt awful for him having to work all night and head back so early the next day. I was angry that his job was asking so much of him and even started looking into if that many hours was even legal! He assured me that it was only a temporary thing as some big software release was going out and the deadline was near. After that he wouldn't have to work late for a while. I believed it, no questions. Still angry at the fact that he was gone more than home, but assured that it would be over soon. After about a week he was still coming home late, but it was closer to 9 or 10pm and it wasn't every night like it had been. It went this way until about June, some weeks we would not see him at all, and others he'd be home nearly every night. At this point I was thinking this was a long term change and was wholeheartedly encouraging him to ask for a salary bump! He just laughed and told me they probably wouldn't since it was going to get better as soon as they hired some more people.
When he came home with tickets to see a comedian we both loved I was shocked and delighted! It had been forever since we went out together without the kids and I love comedy shows! He told me that he was sorry for being gone so much and he wanted to take me out. I was even more shocked that the people at the casino where we went were so nice! I hadn't been in many casinos but I didn't think the customer service would be so darn great! They knew his name, got us meal comps, asked if we needed a room... At the time I was so clueless. I thought maybe he had paid for a big package and I knew he sometimes went to the casinos with some guys from work. I knew he was a casual gambler and I grew up in Nevada so I was familiar with comps. Having never been much of a gambler myself, I never knew how people got them. I just thought my husband was a smart cookie that had figured out who to talk to for that stuff.
Life went on for a little while more like that. He was working late many nights and I was home with the kids. So around August, when our puppy FINALLY stopped chewing things and we were left with a dining table that was torn to shreds, I decided to look at our savings account. For the first time since opening it in March, I went online to check the balance. When I didn't see it I called the bank. The pleasant lady who answered said she did see the account and would be happy to link it correctly so I could see it too, all I had to do was hit refresh.
Refresh... $10. Ten. Dollars. Refresh again! It must be broken!! Ten. Fricking. Dollars. Refresh, refresh, refresh... The chipper lady said, "Ma'am, can you see it?" carefully finding my voice I croaked out "Yeah, but it's not right." After looking into the previous balance her tone totally changed. The still polite but now sympathetic and serious voice asked if I would like the account investigated for possible fraud... All the late nights, the concerts, comedy shows, comped meals, inconsistent stories, everything... it all hit me at once. I mumbled something like "No, thanks" before hanging up...
That was when it all went to &^%*... He admitted it went to gambling and he lost everything. He admitted he hadn't actually been working late all of those nights and had never had to stay past 7. He apologized and all of that. In my anger and desperation I stripped him of his players cards, credit cards, debit cards, excess cash, everything I could take so that he could go to work the next day and I could believe that he would come home without making things worse. We sat down and tried to make a real plan to fix what we could. I was devastated but glad it was just the savings. Our bills were still getting paid and our debt had been paid off... so we'd be ok. We would get him whatever help he needed and we would be ok!
Here and there he would remember a debt and tell me about it. It wasn't until late September that I finally realized the full extent of it. Those credit cards... all maxed out, paycheck advances until they said no, bills were left unpaid, his 401K was gone, and there was a hefty title loan on his car from one of those skeezy type places you go to when you are f&^*^d but don't really know it yet. So I used my money (I didn't have much but we still have separate checking accounts, thank goodness!) to catch up the bills. We made payment plans with everyone we could. I called everywhere trying to cancel any unnecessary services and get refunds for any prepaid services.
It's November now and we finally have a workable plan with regards to finances. He had not set foot inside a casino since I saw our savings and had gone to a few GA meetings. Things are slowly getting better. We're even smiling and laughing with each other again after many months of living less like newlyweds and more like actors putting on a show when the kids were around and silent and tense roommates when they weren't. So last night, when he sent a text telling me he was working late I almost didn't question it. It didn't feel right though... it's nothing I could explain.
Months ago, when it was still fresh and new and raw I put a tracking app on his phone. Last night I used it... he was at the casino... I called him, holding my temper in check. I asked if he was still at work, knowing that he was not. He said "yeah" and when I asked how long he'd be there he said he wasn't sure. So I asked again "...are you sure you're at work?" "Yeah." He said again. Heart cracking in my chest I said "the reason I ask is because your phone is at a casino..." After reluctantly admitting he was there I asked him to come home. He swears he didn't spend any money and maybe he didn't... it wasn't long after regular work hours that I ran the locator... but I kind of don't care.
Right now, at this moment, all I feel is hurt and betrayal. I can't even look at him and I'd rather be anywhere than here, dealing with this.
But I know that in time, this latest wound will not sting so much and I will remember that aside from the gambling, he is a good husband and father. I love him dearly and want desperately to help him...
I'm sorry for the rant but if anyone is willing to take a moment to read, or even skim my story and offer advice or encouragement I would so greatly appreciate it.
A little back story:
I have known my husband for a little over 8 years now, 6 years ago we began to date and shortly after that we moved in together. Just last year we got married. We have 3 children, all from previous relationships, and 2 of them are still at home.
Our oldest, now 18, suffers from ADHD and bi-polar disorder. It began to get really bad by the age of 13 and by 15 he had become a threat to himself and the other children in our home. We rallied our friends and family and got him into a therapeutic setting where he was able to learn the skills he would need to live a normal life and, I am happy to say that today he is doing very well and living on his own.
Our middle child has shown signs of being a little "off" since she was about 6. At the age of 8 she was diagnosed with ADD. Having been through it before, we were quick to begin the process of finding a medication that was right for her. Now, at a lovely 13 (ugh) she is getting worse. We recently had a psychiatric evaluation done with her that indicated OCD and anxiety disorders.
The youngest is 6 and seems to be doing well.
So, maybe you can see why I didn't notice until a few months ago that my husband had a problem of his own.
In January he received a large payment from a trust fund that had matured. We made a ton of plans but the first was to get out of debt. We paid off student loans, the car, the credit cards, everything we could. We got it to the point that all that was left was the house. The trust was large enough to pay our original debt a few times over and I wondered what happened to the rest, but since we were newly married and it was "his" money I left it alone. Besides, we were in a great place financially and we even set aside $15,000 in a joint savings account in case of emergency. It was our very first co-mingling of money and although I did have access to the account I never touched it, didn't even look at the balance. I was confident that all was in place since we didn't have any large purchases or emergencies.
My husband had been working late, something he does have to do on a fairly regular basis. But around March or so "late" went from coming home around 7pm to crawling in bed at 3 and 4am. I had no reason at all to suspect anything deceitful was going on, so I simply didn't. I actually felt awful for him having to work all night and head back so early the next day. I was angry that his job was asking so much of him and even started looking into if that many hours was even legal! He assured me that it was only a temporary thing as some big software release was going out and the deadline was near. After that he wouldn't have to work late for a while. I believed it, no questions. Still angry at the fact that he was gone more than home, but assured that it would be over soon. After about a week he was still coming home late, but it was closer to 9 or 10pm and it wasn't every night like it had been. It went this way until about June, some weeks we would not see him at all, and others he'd be home nearly every night. At this point I was thinking this was a long term change and was wholeheartedly encouraging him to ask for a salary bump! He just laughed and told me they probably wouldn't since it was going to get better as soon as they hired some more people.
When he came home with tickets to see a comedian we both loved I was shocked and delighted! It had been forever since we went out together without the kids and I love comedy shows! He told me that he was sorry for being gone so much and he wanted to take me out. I was even more shocked that the people at the casino where we went were so nice! I hadn't been in many casinos but I didn't think the customer service would be so darn great! They knew his name, got us meal comps, asked if we needed a room... At the time I was so clueless. I thought maybe he had paid for a big package and I knew he sometimes went to the casinos with some guys from work. I knew he was a casual gambler and I grew up in Nevada so I was familiar with comps. Having never been much of a gambler myself, I never knew how people got them. I just thought my husband was a smart cookie that had figured out who to talk to for that stuff.
Life went on for a little while more like that. He was working late many nights and I was home with the kids. So around August, when our puppy FINALLY stopped chewing things and we were left with a dining table that was torn to shreds, I decided to look at our savings account. For the first time since opening it in March, I went online to check the balance. When I didn't see it I called the bank. The pleasant lady who answered said she did see the account and would be happy to link it correctly so I could see it too, all I had to do was hit refresh.
Refresh... $10. Ten. Dollars. Refresh again! It must be broken!! Ten. Fricking. Dollars. Refresh, refresh, refresh... The chipper lady said, "Ma'am, can you see it?" carefully finding my voice I croaked out "Yeah, but it's not right." After looking into the previous balance her tone totally changed. The still polite but now sympathetic and serious voice asked if I would like the account investigated for possible fraud... All the late nights, the concerts, comedy shows, comped meals, inconsistent stories, everything... it all hit me at once. I mumbled something like "No, thanks" before hanging up...
That was when it all went to &^%*... He admitted it went to gambling and he lost everything. He admitted he hadn't actually been working late all of those nights and had never had to stay past 7. He apologized and all of that. In my anger and desperation I stripped him of his players cards, credit cards, debit cards, excess cash, everything I could take so that he could go to work the next day and I could believe that he would come home without making things worse. We sat down and tried to make a real plan to fix what we could. I was devastated but glad it was just the savings. Our bills were still getting paid and our debt had been paid off... so we'd be ok. We would get him whatever help he needed and we would be ok!
Here and there he would remember a debt and tell me about it. It wasn't until late September that I finally realized the full extent of it. Those credit cards... all maxed out, paycheck advances until they said no, bills were left unpaid, his 401K was gone, and there was a hefty title loan on his car from one of those skeezy type places you go to when you are f&^*^d but don't really know it yet. So I used my money (I didn't have much but we still have separate checking accounts, thank goodness!) to catch up the bills. We made payment plans with everyone we could. I called everywhere trying to cancel any unnecessary services and get refunds for any prepaid services.
It's November now and we finally have a workable plan with regards to finances. He had not set foot inside a casino since I saw our savings and had gone to a few GA meetings. Things are slowly getting better. We're even smiling and laughing with each other again after many months of living less like newlyweds and more like actors putting on a show when the kids were around and silent and tense roommates when they weren't. So last night, when he sent a text telling me he was working late I almost didn't question it. It didn't feel right though... it's nothing I could explain.
Months ago, when it was still fresh and new and raw I put a tracking app on his phone. Last night I used it... he was at the casino... I called him, holding my temper in check. I asked if he was still at work, knowing that he was not. He said "yeah" and when I asked how long he'd be there he said he wasn't sure. So I asked again "...are you sure you're at work?" "Yeah." He said again. Heart cracking in my chest I said "the reason I ask is because your phone is at a casino..." After reluctantly admitting he was there I asked him to come home. He swears he didn't spend any money and maybe he didn't... it wasn't long after regular work hours that I ran the locator... but I kind of don't care.
Right now, at this moment, all I feel is hurt and betrayal. I can't even look at him and I'd rather be anywhere than here, dealing with this.
But I know that in time, this latest wound will not sting so much and I will remember that aside from the gambling, he is a good husband and father. I love him dearly and want desperately to help him...
I'm sorry for the rant but if anyone is willing to take a moment to read, or even skim my story and offer advice or encouragement I would so greatly appreciate it.
deleted_user
This could be my story. EXCEPT the gambling may stop for a few months and then he will be at it again. My husband had a good job. Lost the job, the car ,credit maxed out, the house until we were homeless living in the hotel for 3 months living on comps. Until I left the state and moved the kids and I in with a relative. He moves down after 3 months gots a job lost it. I have been dealing with this for 6 years. I have been married 26 years. I can't do anything for him. I realize just this month that I have to change and take carry of myself. I can't make him stop, he has to do that on his own. I am thinking of going to gam anon. Keep your money separate and save just in case.
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