Friends til the end Community Group
A group for those of us here who get more from our friendships than from the available discussion groups. A place to be accepted and appreciated for who we are. Somewhere to always feel safe and know that especially on the bad days we are here for each other .A place for encouragement and love.
I was shopping at the local supermarket the other day where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk
to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said:
'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you
know that? '
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk
to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said:
'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you
know that? '
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'
A football coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, - "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer.
Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.
It's fun to cook. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me the extra bowls.
He wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when he brought a friend home for supper
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Today he asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Steve asked me why I was rolling around in the garden...I showed him the recipe instructions.
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it... There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Steve did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason he keeps counting to ten.
. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius... I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe . If I can talk him into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.