Dear Beloved,
I am so sorry that you are feeling as you do. I am so so sorry. Your poem was hard to read, but yet beautifully written. From a Mother's standpoint, I can only imagine the pain of being abandoned by my grown children.
As a daughter, I know what it's like to have to take a parent off a pedastal. I am the youngest of four girls. My Dad was our king, our idol. We had Dad on the pedastal. No one ever wanted to make Dad unhappy. He was not mean, I never once heard him raise his voice. My dad had a heart of gold. He was always lending a helping hand. I loved my Dad dearly. I wanted nothing but his love and pride for me.
I had all of that until a failed marriage occurred. When I told my Dad the marriage was ending, the things he said to me were downright cruel. When all I wanted was to hear him say "I don't like your decision, but I love you." He couldn't say that. I don't know why Dad was so upset. Did he think old school and I should stay married for the children's sake? Did he want to leave my Mom at some point and didn't and thought I should "stick" it out like he did? I don't know, I didn't ask. My Dad and I didn't speak for 12 years. I was afraid to approach him, fear of more rejection. During those 12 years I slowly but surely took my Dad off the pedastal I so proudly displayed him on. I never once quit loving my Dad, however, I realized he wasn't perfect. I realized that perhaps he was not capable of unconditinal love and acceptance. I learned that was okay, I still loved him.
Eventually Dad and I did talk again. We never once spoke of the turmoil between us. We just moved forward. Wrong or right, that's what we did and it worked for both of us. My Dad died in 2003. I was sad and sorrowful, however his death did not hit me as hard as it did my three sisters and of course my Mom. I had mourned the loss of my Dad during those 12 years.
I do hope there is some reconciliation between you and your children. I can not imagine not having spoken to Dad before he died. I am grateful we reconciled to the point that we did. He knows I loved him and even though the words were not spoken, I do know my Dad loved me too.Hugs to you
S

Dear Sandyslilsis

I much appreciate your note. Thank you so much.

In our family, great sorrow and betrayal was inflicted by my daughters' dad and his family.
How did I know one of my daughters would grow up and target me to vent her rage on?
I took the bullet with her. For her. All along.

Her dad and his parents are too fragile, too sick, too this and too that .. to be confronted.

Like you, I've grieved with all my soul .. and am getting steadier and steadier. I'm learning, too, that CRISIS in all its horror .. leads to a new opportunity. A broader destiny. At first, I was so overwrought .. like the earth opened up and swallowed my family .. and in such despair .. I wanted to die. But I held to God's unchanging hand, knowing I am STILL THE SHEPHERD of this little family. I don't want to pass down a legacy of guilt and sorrow .. but of overcoming. My daughter is going through memories of a dark chapter. I believe she will turn the page. The legacy I really want to leave my family .. is that God is good all the time. And He is all about freedom.

I'm sorry to hear you suffered the loss of your dad's love for many years. (I did, too .. so I know exactly.)

My daughter is visiting Saturday with my granddaughter whom I'm going to give a piano lesson to. Dear Lord help me .. so I have SECURITY inside me. Just one more time .. help me believe You have a place for me, too. And why not? And of coursy!

I have had the same thing happen to me, too.....I have heard the usual advice, that our grown children leave the nest, but they will in time, return. In my family's case, that is not the case, however. I have three other siblings, and although they did from time to time return and need help from my parents, it was not in happiness, gratefulness, and certainly not unconditional. It was all a very dysfunctional mess, and only served to continue on the path of destruction, blame, obligation, and indebtedness, not as a leg up in life. Which I suppose, is a big reason why I did not go back home until it was my only choice at age 40-something, and it was that or live in my car. Which, as it turned out, might have been a better idea. All that time, my mother had taken in my other siblings, loaned money to them, off and on over the years, many times. But when my turn came, I had to practically beg her to let me stay at her place. I had not taken her money in the past. I borrowed some once, and paid it back as planned. Even with a bonus "thank you" at the end......anyway, as of now, my now grown children are doing the same estrangement to me; my oldest deceased. The next oldest has not talked to me since the first one passed away, and he was distant from me before then. My daughter remains in contact with me, which I appreciate immensely. My youngest son is in Afghanistan right now. He was keeping in contact with me via email and regular mail, but ever since he started advanced training, he has not contacted me. He did not even visit me the last two times he's been home on leave. His visist before that was a hard slap in the face; he asked me to pick him up from the airport, and when talking to him, I thought he was going to at least spend the night before visiting the rest of the family. But, rather, he had me take him directly over to his grandmothers house (the X's mother)...and he did not spend any time with me that trip, besides going to a movie, in which we did not talk much.

In spite of all that though, I am very grateful for the time I have had with them. I am using this time now, for time to give myself which I have not had the opportunity to do while they were at home. And heal from the things I have not yet had time or energy to put into healing from. It is difficult and scary, but I see, as I do that, I am also opening up more opportunity for a re-connection with my children at some point.

Wow Starfish .. You've been very brave .. and resourceful. I think you're right .. about being GRATEFUL. Making use of what we have. That's been occurring to me lately. How crucial to my well being to be thankful .. not like a Pollyanna .. but for reals. I've resented so much about my background. My only hope .. is to accept it .. learn what I can .. and move on.

I'm so sorry that your child died. That alone is enormous beyond expression. And so painful to reach out to a rejecting parent who unwillingly gives crumbs.

The human heart is made to love .. and be loved. I heard somewhere that when ONE PERSON in a family gets healthier, everyone else benefits. That's what we can do. Build with what we have. Ask the Lord to bless it. And it will be enough.