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I made the decision. 14. So uncomfortable. I had no idea how to talk to anyone, how to get anything out of school; this place I was forced to be every day. I was an easy target for ridicule and cruelty. Even teachers were not my friends and I not theirs. My parents were some foreign entity, far away from my reality and scary. Brothers and sisters were burdens I had to bare. 14. So uncomfortable. I lost myself in music, the music of the times. I read about drug addiction and made connections with the people that made the music and drugs. I made a decision to try them myself, to seek the same path. A conscious decision at 14 years old. I would alter my path and follow another. I would alter my path forever. And so I did.
Am I sorry? This I don't know. How can I know there might have been another way when one was not taken? I hated my life, myself, at 14, more than I ever have. Sometimes I think drugs saved me. I have damaged myself, for sure, with using and drinking. There is much waste. A never ending pain. I would never wish this waste and pain on anyone. It is over. There are no drugs to do anymore that have any benefit. But at 14 I was headed down a path that needed altering, interference. Where was the help? Why didn't anyone notice? Why did I not speak out? Was there a better way for me? I will never know.
The Universe has raised this child, now 52 years old. What is my purpose? It changes over the years. And now begins anew. Thank you Life. You are good to me after all. I would not trade this experience. May I remember tomorrow, how I feel today. Peace.
Am I sorry? This I don't know. How can I know there might have been another way when one was not taken? I hated my life, myself, at 14, more than I ever have. Sometimes I think drugs saved me. I have damaged myself, for sure, with using and drinking. There is much waste. A never ending pain. I would never wish this waste and pain on anyone. It is over. There are no drugs to do anymore that have any benefit. But at 14 I was headed down a path that needed altering, interference. Where was the help? Why didn't anyone notice? Why did I not speak out? Was there a better way for me? I will never know.
The Universe has raised this child, now 52 years old. What is my purpose? It changes over the years. And now begins anew. Thank you Life. You are good to me after all. I would not trade this experience. May I remember tomorrow, how I feel today. Peace.
starfish
I love the way you ended this, Lorna. Sudden hope from dismal dispair. I managed to keep from those pitfalls, and honestly, I'm not so sure it's made that much difference; I suffer now, from a lot of pain from stress-related things, and my mind has definitely been affected too. (( hugs ))
LornaR
I know what you're saying. I struggle every day but so do others who never did what I did. My nephew got busted for pot recently and honestly this could be something good. What does it take for a kid to finally get the love and attention they need? Then again, it might do nothing for him. I see him struggling and being misunderstood. There isn't a way to reach him better than I'm doing it seems. That's why I firmly believe we don't have the control and it is luck that brings about who we turn out to be. For all my pain and struggle I do like myself. Just today. Only for today. Thanks. (( hugs back ))
starfish
I felt the same way about Isaac. How very sad, someone needs to self-medicate at such a young age. HELLLLOOOOO. You've come a long way, baby.
deleted_user
Lorna, that was wonderful. I had a similar path. I began blackout drinking at 14, blackout drank for the next 18 years and got sober in AA at 32, 11 years ago. You said, "Sometimes I think drugs saved me." I feel the same about alcohol, as I now know that not only was I an alcoholic through genetics, but also self medicating Early Onset Mental Illness, I think the booze stopping me suiciding as a youngster. But of course ultimately it turns on you and will take you life if not curtailed. Many family members have fallen to alcoholism. Thanks for the post
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