Foster Care Support Group

Foster care is a system by which a certified, stand-in parent(s) cares for minor children or young peoples who have been removed from their birth parents or other custodial adults by state authority. Responsibility for the young person is assumed by the relevant governmental authority and a placement with another family found.

643 Members

689 Posts

0 Online

fourthdb 05/04/2016

For the last year and a half we were foster parents to two grade school aged boys. They moved to an adoptive home a few weeks ago. Since the day of the move, their adoptive mom has not said a word to us. I sent a brief email to her about a week after their placement asking after their first week at the new school with no response. I am hurt and confused by her disregard of our feelings for the boys.

Has anyone else gone through a placement after fostering? If the boys had gone back to their biological family I may have expected this kind of treatment, but not from the pre-adoptive parents we so carefully vetted, encouraged, and helped to make the move as easy as possible.

I really miss the boys. I am thinking of asking the case worker if they have any update on how they are, but I don't know if that will really get me anywhere. I understand that as a foster parent we may have to say goodbye to kids and never know how the rest of their lives play out, but I did not expect that to happen with these boys or these new parents.

We promised the boys we would stay in touch and always love them, and now it feels like these new parents are making us break that promise.

auntiesessie 05/05/2016

Hey there. I'm not sure what's going through the adoptive parents head, but I'll let you know what I did (right or wrong) when I was in their shoes. Our FD came to us from a placement with her aunt. Even though aunt was approved for visits, the research I read said she would need about a month or so to settle in to her new placement. During this time, I tried to email the aunt once a week to give her updates on the placement. However, as our FDs behaviors devolved and her needs took more and more energy, it was really hard to write those emails. I was exhausted, and I didn't want her to worry about the challenges we were experiencing. I'm not saying this was the right way to handle the situation, and in hindsight, I probably would have started visits sooner. However, it's what happened. Maybe there's something like that going on with your kiddos adoptive placement, too. Keep your head up :)

auntiesessie 05/05/2016

I just thought of something else. Even if the communication is only one way (you to the adoptive parents), you could send messages or greetings to the boys and ask the parents to pass them on. If they do, then the boys would know you're thinking about them. I know there's no guarantee like if you could do a visit or phone call, but it's something. Another idea is give a small gift to the SW to pass on to the boys (through the foster parents). Still their prerogative when/how to share it, but it would fulfill your desire to keep your promise to the boys.

auntiesessie 05/05/2016

Ugh! I need to stop pressing "add" before I've run through all my ideas :)

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking your boys' caseworker how they're doing. When our FD moved on, our caseworker asked us if we would like updates (we said yes) and at what frequency (every few weeks).

Okay, I am almost positive that's all I have to say!

vixonandcronus 05/05/2016

Here's my suspicion. Obviously I don't know the situation, but this is what I would suspect in a situation like this. They've been in their new placement a week. Any foster parent can tell you how hectic it is at first. Particularly if it's more than one child. The first week (for me it's usually the first month) everyone is just trying to get into the groove of a new situation. I'd give the adoptive parents a little time to catch their breath before I started worrying about them blowing me off.

I know waiting is frustrating, but like the other poster suggested, there's no reason why you can't continue to pass on messages in the meantime.

fourthdb 05/06/2016

Thank you for the comments and insight. I did email the SW this week and she says everyone is settling in well and they are focusing on their "inner family" right now. I'm glad to hear they are all doing well.

Join the Conversation