Foster Care Support Group

Foster care is a system by which a certified, stand-in parent(s) cares for minor children or young peoples who have been removed from their birth parents or other custodial adults by state authority. Responsibility for the young person is assumed by the relevant governmental authority and a placement with another family found.

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Children's Health & Parenting
/ Foster Care Support Group

Siblings

Rydawgmhs
Rydawgmhs

We have siblings and we don't like our oldest who just turned three. It's not that we don't care for her or have love for her but we don't seem to be able to get over it. We lost two pregnancies and we seem to resent her. We only want to adopt the baby and not her. Is it normal to feel that way?

Kfostermomma
Kfostermomma
A few things here:
1) I totally 100% understand where you are coming from. With foster care, it's often talked about how the child needs to attach and bond with the parents. Well, we as parents need to bond to the child as well. And it takes time. I loved my foster child from the day we met him, but it took a long time to really bond to him.
2) I have also had a miscarriage and it is so incredibly hard, so I totally get your pain. You will heal though. I promise.
3) It's in the best interest of the children to keep them together. Imagine them growing up separately and knowing they had the opportunity to be together. Also, since they are both still young, the agency will likely want to adopt them together. I'm not sure what telling them that you only want the youngest would bring.

Stay strong, you've got this!
fosteringsingle
fosteringsingle
There are plenty of people who would be thrilled to properly love your three year old! Don’t sell her short. But do plan to give up your little one because keeping them together is the selfless thing to do.
Gutted
Gutted
It's not a matter of whether this is a normal way to feel. You just said 'don't like our oldest who just turned three'. Think about that for one minute. Outside of the justifications you made afterwards, you're fostering a child you don't like. It does not matter the reason. Parenting a child is first and foremost for the child, not the parent. Since you don't like the child, please give her back. As was mentioned there are lots of families out there that would be tickled to have her and her and the younger child. Acknowledging you don't like her is the first step in giving her a better life than you capable of providing.

As for splitting them up. For you to even ask that question makes me question if you should be foster parents at all. Children aren't toys, placed in your home so you can plan house. They're living breathing human beings who need families to love them. They have already suffered a tremendous loss by being orphaned. For you to even think of splitting a sibling group up, for no other reason than your own selfish desires is beyond reprehensible. Give the children back and rethink your idea of what it means to be a family.