Foster Care Support Group
Foster care is a system by which a certified, stand-in parent(s) cares for minor children or young peoples who have been removed from their birth parents or other custodial adults by state authority. Responsibility for the young person is assumed by the relevant governmental authority and a placement with another family found.
Hello all. Im new here and looking for some advice/support/experiences. I received my nephew through foster care in the middle of July. My sister suffers from neurological problems and mental illness and has had a downward spiral, some of the damage is permanent. After speaking with cps, foster care, and lawyers there is no intention of my sister getting her son back. There are several things that concern me that everybody just keeps brushing off.
After I brought my nephew into my home I realized things were much worse than anybody originally thought. He will be 5 in January and my 3 year old son is bigger than he his. After speaking to his ped he has always been very small, my sister was and is the same way. I was told to give him whatever he wants to eat, but this child hates eating. I give him what he wants, but then says he doesn't want it. I have thrown away so much food and my children are upset because I cater to him. This has became a bit better, but meal time has became something I dread. If I don't make him something else he will purposely throw his food on the floor. His height and weight are not even on the growth chart so I have to make him something else. I know I am being manipulated, but what do I do in this case?
He is also extremely attached to me. I found this a bit endearing at first, but now it has become a bit suffocating. I always reassure him I will be back for him after work and spend a lot of time with him. I keep all promises I make and never lie to him. I thought the level of anxiety he has when I'm not around would lessen after 3 months, but it has only became worse. I have recently caught him peeking on me in the shower and have to lock the door when I'm using the toilet because he will open it. I have tried explaining why he can't do these things but it is not working. He also always misbehaves when my attention is not on him. If I am cooking dinner he does something bad, if I am helping my daughter with her homework he does something bad, if I am trying to teach my son how to dress himself he does something bad. I know he wants attention, but it has become overbearing. If I ignore the smaller behaviors it escalates. My daughter has told my friend that I do not have enough time for her anymore. I try to spend the same amount of time with them each and do group things as well. He always has to interrupt and doesn't stop. I am not allowed to isolate him for timeout to stop this either. I don't know what to do. I have asked his social worker and they brush it off. He is so charming and acts differently when he is around others. I am very concerned about this, but nobody believes me that he is like this. He has also developed a strange attachment to his head start teacher.
His interaction with other children has also improved but he still does some things that bother me. When I am watching he will be kind and share and play nicely. But there are times when he thinks I'm not watching he'll try to get the other kids in trouble. Some examples are he gave my son a toy then started crying and said my son took it from. He has thrown himself on the floor and said one of the other kids pushed him down. He has said he doesn't want to play right now then call to the other kids then cry to me the others are bothering him. He will not leave my daughter alone either. She is the oldest and the only girl and he insists on trying to play with her even when I have told him to stop. This happens several times a day. I have tried everything to stop this. I don't know what else to do.
There are some other things he does like constantly having his hands down his pants and showing his privates to others. He also asks the same things everyday all day. Very obvious questions. 3 months later and every morning he still asks me if I am brushing my teeth while I am brushing my teeth. He also never stops moving. He runs everywhere and is constantly fidgeting.
I know there is a lot here but I feel like there are problems that need to be addressed and nobody seems to be helping me. I feel like I'm failing.
But those are just starters. The kid may need help from pros if it’s adhd, etc. also, a mini trampoline may help exercise/tire out. A tent shaped like a castle (available on Amazon) may distract him from you and empower him to be alone in his fortress with his toys for a minute.
I know integrating a child into a family structure is supposed to the most important thing, but he needs eased into it. Bring him into the kitchen with you, sit him on the counter and let him help decide what you make for dinner. Hint, hint, suggest the main meat item and teach him the best veggie to go with that, then let him pick the second veggie totally independently. If he pics something strange, odd or what no one else will eat, fine. Don't manipulate or pressure him. Make it fun for him. Smile at him, talk to him, and make him feel special. Counterbalance this by making bath time super special for another child and story time super special for another. In other words just do what you normally do but make everyone feel special to keep down on the animosity.
If he wants scrambled eggs instead of a veggie, who cares? It's food and he's much more likely to eat it if he picks it. It will be bumpy at first, and he'll test you by not eating it. That's fine. Don't pressure. The more you pressure, the more he'll fight it. You want to diffuse the power struggle. Let him help you bake cookies and stuff like that.
Now finish each evening with a tiny milkshake treat for the kids. His will be chocolate ice cream and ensure. Don't let him see you make the difference in his shake. Pour a glass of vanilla into his milk glass in the morning, again don't let him see it. Right now he's freaking out on the inside. He truly can't do any better than what he's doing. You can literally love him all better by being understanding, including him in food prep and sneaking in some ensure until he picks up weight. The ensure will buy you time so you don't have to pressure him constantly to eat.
Do not reprimand or shame him for throwing food onto the floor. Educate him by purchasing books (Maybe inexpensive e-books you read one-on-one with him) about growing food. Teach him that you feel like because it takes real people doing hard manual labor to grow food and because there isn't always enough to go around, food is too valuable to throw around. Show him how to take tiny portions of even just a bite. Don't pressure him to take more and more. Teach him that in polite society we eat what's called a thank you bite and if we don't like it, we simply don't put more on our plate. You must never pressure him to eat. It's too counterproductive.
This child missed a lot of life lessons. Now it falls to you to make up for that loss. You're smart and dedicated to this child. I have every confidence you can do this!
I believe he is missing his mother and therefore trying to form attachments to other females. You said he is becoming overly attached with you, tries to force your oldest daughter to play with him and is becoming focused on his head-start teacher.
That is consistent with Reactive Attachment Disorder. The symptoms are not the same for every child. Most children with reactive attachment disorder go to great lengths to remain in control and avoid feeling helpless, left out or forgotten by the person they perceive as their primary caregiver. Reactive attachment disorder (RAD) is a condition found in children who may have received grossly negligent care and do not form a healthy emotional attachment with their primary caregivers, usually their mothers before age 5. Toxic stress in childhood from abandonment or chronic violence has pervasive effects on their capacity to pay attention, to learn, to see where other people are coming from, and it really creates havoc with the whole social environment. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) is an evidence-based treatment for RAD. Early intervention is the best way to avoid the person having serious problems later in life.
He needs extra support and 1:1 coaching. You need to clearly spell out what time you are dedicating to him and make it clear there is no link between love and time. Say something like, "Just because I'm teaching Johnny to dress doesn't mean I'm not thinking of you. I love you and you're always in my mind and heart no matter what I'm doing.
You are speaking to his emotions and allying the fears and anxieties he's not even aware of having. This will be strange to you as a parent because we feel an intrinsic need to treat each child equally. This is our need and it does not align with his needs at the moment.
Be considerate, and take him for a short walk or to water flowers 1:1 a couple of times a week and discuss things like this. Pick times he can count on and never fail to keep an appointment. Knowing he'll get undivided attention for sure at certain times will enable him calm down and feel secure. Teach him that you're thinking of him off and on throughout the day and that you'd never forget him. Remember that being forgotten is a very real fear because neglected kids have literally been forgotten by their parents until it was painful at times. i.e. hungry, cold, overheated...different things that made them uncomfortable.
Stress that God is always watching an he knows when we're doing wrong even if other grown ups don't. Don't say "I saw you...whatever the misbehavior was." Instead point out the times he's doing something right and praise him. "I'm loving all the sharing you're doing today, Josh." "It makes me proud to see you helping Tony that way."The laws of behavioral dynamics state that behavior followed by praise is more likely to be repeated. Also, 'catch' him doing something nice and praise him. You are layering on strategies that will encourage him to be nice to the other children when you aren't looking. Be consistent.
If he gets anxious when you leave, work on some things to bring that anxiety level down. Give him part of your key chain (the trinket part, not actual keys) to carry in his pocket as a tangible reminder that you care for him, he's special to you and that you'll be back. Give him a pleasant task to do while you're gone. Get a piece of paper and draw a line down it. Tell him to draw a picture of how he feels when you leave on one side and how he feels when you return on the other. Have whoever is providing care to read to him. Help him manage his own emotions by engaging in a preferred activity, like playing video games.
Encourage him to get his feelings out. Have him keep calendar and draw a face showing how he feels in the little square every single day. Give him one complete minute of acting anyway he wants. Once it's over high five him for 'getting all that out of your system'.
When he acts out to get attention while you are engaging with another child, explain that you can't allow him to disrupt everyone else's special time. this would be a good thing to discuss when you are on your walk or watering flowers, so the message isn't lost in the heat of the moment.
Ask him if he would like a go to activity that he can engage in when he gets tired of waiting his turn for attention. Set whatever that is up and have it at the ready for him. Sandbox on back porch, riding bike in the yard, video game, puzzle...whatever he enjoys.
If you have to take time out to deal with him, don't show emotion or look him in the eye. If he interrupts and see his behavior plays on your sympathies and gets him an accommodation or makes you angry, that's the kick he gets out of the behavior. Make interrupting as unrewarding as possible, by denying him eye contact and prolonged interaction.
There has been some kind of abuse or he's seen inappropriate things for this to be happening. Take this seriously. Think about some precautionary monitoring. Teach the other kids to lock the bathroom door and make sure he isn't being inappropriate with them on the sly. It's difficult for him to live his entire short life one way, move in with you and hear you saying things he knows can't possibly be true cause he's experienced otherwise.
You have stated you redirect him but he does not listen. The way we teach our children will simply not be enough for this child because his past experiences are different. For example, I have an expectation that a five year old will not be preoccupied with masturbating. You mentioned that he has his hands in his pants a lot so this isn't a reasonable expectation for him. The best you can do is teach him there is a proper time and place for everything. If he wants to put his hands in his pants then he must go to the bathroom or bedroom (assuming his has a private room). Quietly redirect him every single time until he gets the message. Do not embarrass him in front of the other children and redirect him to wash his hands before returning to the communal area. This will take time and patience. Remember repetition is not failure, it is simply what is required to build a better human.
You mentioned that he asks you the same questions every day, like if you are brushing your teeth while you're brushing your teeth. This is evidence of delayed emotional and perhaps intellectual development in my opinion. It might also be because he is fascinated with the entire concept of consistency. In homes where there is neglect, things the rest of us take for granted are often not consistent. Perhaps he's just amazed and verifying to make sure things are stable and not shifting like he's used to. Work on getting him to rephrase in a more normative manner. Say, "Why don't you vary our conversation this morning by complimenting me on doing a good job brushing my teeth or ask an important question like how long does my toothbrush last." "You must be curious about tooth-brushing, would you like brush your teeth with me?" Teach him how to do more than comment on the obvious. It's a good socialization skill to have. Can you imagine how well it's going to go over at school when he asks the kids the same questions ever day? It's going to impact his social relationships.