Foster Care Support Group
Foster care is a system by which a certified, stand-in parent(s) cares for minor children or young peoples who have been removed from their birth parents or other custodial adults by state authority. Responsibility for the young person is assumed by the relevant governmental authority and a placement with another family found.
Let me start off by saying that we didn't plan on being foster parents, we went into this only wanting to adopt legally terminated kids. We wanted to avoid all the drama of court, case workers, biological parents, etc.. Well after months of only getting calls about children that needed fostering we were getting discouraged. Then we got a call about two boys, Lenny and Squiggy, that needed a foster home. They called us because there is a chance, 50/50 at this point, that parental rights will be terminated. So we decided to step up and accept these boys into our home.
For the past month it has been wonderful, crazy, heartbreaking, frustrating, overwhelming, fun, amazing and all the other emotions under the rainbow. I am sure all of you that have fostered have experienced the same thing. They love us one minute and hate us the next. They go from smiling, happy kids to emotional train wrecks in the blink of an eye. The emotional roller coaster has drained us. With that being said we love these boys like they have been with us all their lives and we wouldn't change any of it, well we wouldn't change most of it.
The mom (fathers aren't in the picture) hasn't shown up to court or any meetings with child services. She called once the flaked out on a meeting with the case worker and the meeting to discuss her case plan. We have a court date in a month where the case worker plans on pushing for early termination, this isn't moms first rodeo with child services. I have a feeling this will be a long month for all involved.
With all that babbling I did have some questions that hopefully you wonderful people can help answer.
1. The boys have started emotionally breaking down because they haven't seen or talked to mom in a month. Any recommendations on how best to handle this? We will obviously show them love and let them know we are there for them just wondering if there is something else.
2. How do you handle the stress of both wanting the mom to call and at the same time, not wanting her to call. The things these boys have been through in their short lives makes my heart break. I know they love their mom but I have a hard time thinking that being with her is what is best for them.
3. Have any of you had a similar situation and actually adopted the child/children? I am just curious what to expect if the termination actually goes through.
Thanks for listening to my rambling, also for any and all advice you can give first time foster parents.
For the past month it has been wonderful, crazy, heartbreaking, frustrating, overwhelming, fun, amazing and all the other emotions under the rainbow. I am sure all of you that have fostered have experienced the same thing. They love us one minute and hate us the next. They go from smiling, happy kids to emotional train wrecks in the blink of an eye. The emotional roller coaster has drained us. With that being said we love these boys like they have been with us all their lives and we wouldn't change any of it, well we wouldn't change most of it.
The mom (fathers aren't in the picture) hasn't shown up to court or any meetings with child services. She called once the flaked out on a meeting with the case worker and the meeting to discuss her case plan. We have a court date in a month where the case worker plans on pushing for early termination, this isn't moms first rodeo with child services. I have a feeling this will be a long month for all involved.
With all that babbling I did have some questions that hopefully you wonderful people can help answer.
1. The boys have started emotionally breaking down because they haven't seen or talked to mom in a month. Any recommendations on how best to handle this? We will obviously show them love and let them know we are there for them just wondering if there is something else.
2. How do you handle the stress of both wanting the mom to call and at the same time, not wanting her to call. The things these boys have been through in their short lives makes my heart break. I know they love their mom but I have a hard time thinking that being with her is what is best for them.
3. Have any of you had a similar situation and actually adopted the child/children? I am just curious what to expect if the termination actually goes through.
Thanks for listening to my rambling, also for any and all advice you can give first time foster parents.
We have adopted 3 of our foster children - siblings - and have had a tentative on again/off again relationship with their birth mother and one birth father. It IS very difficult to deal with the fallout not only after there has been some contact but also when there hasn't been any. Our girls are now 5, 6, 7 and we finally had to cut all ties with birth mom because her behavior wasn't healthy for them. They still miss her, still talk about her, and still have their fantasies about 'some day' which we have to be very careful not to dampen. They've seen some of what makes her unfit as a parent without us being the ones making any negative comments or talking bad about her and are pretty matter of fact about it. Just keep being supportive and doing what you're doing which is loving on those boys. If they see that you are supportive of bio mom that speaks volumes. I would definitely seek counseling for both of them and also for yourselves and get involved in a good support group if possible. Nothing beats being able to vent in a safe and supportive environment with people who understand what you are going through! And don't feel guilty about not wanting birth mom to call. It's normal.
1. A month is about how long the honeymoon period lasts. Now they're settled in enough with you that they can start to let the hurt out and they are missing their mom a lot, even as they struggle with their anger and hurt. One thing that really helped my little one was teaching him feeling words by modeling them and showing him basic smiley or frowny faces. Even though your kids are 7 and 5 they may have the emotional maturity of much younger kids because they haven't yet had the chance to learn basic healthy emotions or how to express them. It was an awesome day when my little boy suddenly screamed "I'm MAD! Bad mommy!" instead of hitting or having a meltdown. I was in a store and another parent looked at me like "what a spoiled brat" but I was hugging him and telling him how proud of him I was because he'd used his words. Another thing that helped a lot was taking a walk around the neighborhood after supper. The gentle physical activity helped run off that pre-bedtime stress that builds up. It's also especially helpful for kids who need to talk, but won't do it face to face. The other thing you can do is admit to the kids that you hurt too. I know it feels like you have to be strong for them, but showing them that you can feel hurt and still survive it is powerful. One of the break through moments with my little guy came when he was crying and instead of being strong and comforting for him, I just broke down completely. I thought I had failed, but it turned out he needed me to grieve with him. We cried it out together in the rocking chair and after that he was a lot more willing to accept hugs from me.
2. Ugh - this one is really hard. For me it was an awful struggle. I wanted my kid to be happy, but the first time I dropped him off at a visit (social worker supervised) I sat in the parking lot and cried my eyes out. You can be honest with yourself that being with her is bad for them.
3. Like I said above, termination just happened. I expect the adoption to be final in 1-3 months. Expect to feel a weird sense of loss as you realize all the social workers are about to go away and leave you alone. Expect the unexpected - weird twists always seem to happen just before the end. A friend who has adopted 4 times from foster care told me "it's just the parents making one last effort so they can tell themselves they tried, when they know it's really too late. Don't let it throw you." He was right.
Here's the nice part - expect your kids to become happier and more stable, even if they are sad about losing their mom finally. My little guy was very attached to his mom, but after two years of visits he was so over her dysfunction. He still loves her, but he's told me multiple times that he's glad we don't have to see her any more. He's sleeping through the night better than he has for a very long time. When your kids know they are safe, the light will come back in their eyes.
Finally, I second everything Kodiak said. Counseling and a strong support group make a world of difference. Never, ever bad mouthing birth mom, but also being honest about the situation helps a lot.
Good luck! I'd love to hear how things go. :)
As far as the feelings about the mom is conflicting. I want the boys to have a relationship with her but want to protect them from her too.
I have both positive and negative feelings about her. She got a DUI and my first feeling was how sad then I was pumping my fist in joy. Those two feelings feel weird to me. I don't have a answer other than to feel whatever come up.
And when CYS and the judge were listing everything they've ever done wrong at our hearing 2 weeks ago, I was the one the ended up sobbing afterwards even though it was a HUGE step in our favor.
This gig is though but so worth for these little people who haven't asked or deserved any of what has been done to them! Stay strong!